Feelings . . . wo wo wo feelings

It's been a rough week. My emotions have been all over the place! I've been having trouble concentrating, sleeping too much or not able to sleep, crying at the drop of a hat, and feeling guilty about not feeling awful every minute. It's a frustrating place to be. I have to thank Katie for commenting--her description of the frustrations of an impending miscarriage really hit home for me. I was just so excited, thinking about having a baby in September. Now, not only will there not be a baby in September, but my body needs a chance to heal, so the nurse I spoke with said we'll need to take a break for one complete cycle after the miscarriage (so--I didn't get this at first--miscarriage, then a first period, then a complete cycle, then start treatment again). So I feel like we're losing a baby and losing time as well.

And in the meantime, the thought that I am carrying a dead baby has been really hard to take. I feel like I still shouldn't do anything that I wouldn't do if the baby were alive and growing, so I've been hesitant to do things like eat lunchmeat. Which just seems plain silly, but it feels like the baby's still there, so I need to be careful. I wish that the whole thing were over, but then I'm scared of the pain and possible complications (I'm especially scared that I might end up needing a D&C) and then I feel guilty about wishing it were over, too. Hmm . . . might hormones have anything to do with this bizarre collection of thoughts?

It was kind of a rough day today. I couldn't sleep last night (since the spotting had started, I was getting nervous), I was late to cantor this morning (not "late" as in mass had started but "late" as in 10 minutes after I was supposed to be there), and then I was just off--forgot that I was supposed to pick one of the songs, had never received the right setting of the psalm, etc. The music went OK, but I felt bad about it. Then I got pulled over. The state trooper said I didn't stop at a stop sign (Mr. X was driving behind me and said that he saw my brake lights, so maybe it was only a rolling stop, but come on!). Then, when I went for my license, registration, and proof of insurance, I didn't have my new insurance card on me--just the expired one (I am insured, honest!). I decided to just tell her. Hey, I figured, if she felt like giving me a break, great, and if not, then I wouldn't feel any worse for having told her. So I said, "I'm having a terrible day. I'm having a miscarriage." She said she was sorry and that she'd give me a break on the stop sign, but couldn't on the proof of insurance. I said that I understood. But when she came back to the car, she just gave me a warning and let me go. I was so relieved. Then I felt guilty for having told her, but, you know, it was true, and sometimes a person just needs a break. And it was really compassionate of her to do that.

I said I'd write about the prognosis/instructions, so if you don't want details, go ahead and skip this! These are the instructions I received: Wait two weeks for a natural miscarriage. If it hasn't happened naturally after two weeks, schedule D&C. First signs of miscarriage will be cramping and spotting, which could last from 1-2 hours to 2-3 days. Bleeding will become heavy, possibly with clots and tissue (my doctor said no tissue in my case). Bleeding will decrease to moderate/light, then light/very light. Bleeding will last about 10 days. Call the doctor in case of fever, foul odor, constant pain, or continued heavy bleeding.

And--maybe the most important part--the nurse said to call if I feel depressed, because they can prescribe progesterone for that. I know that PPVI has had incredible success in treating post-partum depression with progesterone (as in 95% of women respond positively to the treatment, with some women feeling relief within hours). So, if you're reading this and know anyone with post-partum depression or depression after a miscarriage, please pass on the information! I think it's only normal that I feel the way I do right now, but if I'm not feeling more normal sometime soon, I may call about it. Since I tend to be prone to anxiety anyway, it's not beyond the realm of possibility that I might need this.

So, I've had a day and a half of spotting now, and (thank you, God!) very little cramping. I haven't needed any ibuprofen yet, though I'm thinking I might be getting there now. Tomorrow I technically have the day off, but I scheduled a bunch of meetings. I'm wishing I could stay home and relax (translation: lie in bed), but Mr. X has to work, and I'd probably just mope around feeling sorry for myself . . . which is probably not the best thing I can do for myself right now. Distraction seems to be the key. :) And, speaking of distractions, I think I will go and find something for us to eat for a late dinner . . .