Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Bad News

I thought something was weird when I woke up this morning. I realized that I had slept soundly--I hadn't woken up even once to go to the bathroom. This was my morning for progesterone injections, and I lay on my stomach for 20 minutes while Mr. X took care of those. When Mr. X. left for work and I rolled over to go back to sleep for a while, it occurred to me that my breasts weren't sore.

I woke up again to hear my cell phone ringing. I jumped out of bed, because my doctor's assistant said she'd be calling me today with yesterday's HCG results. But it wasn't the assistant. It was the doctor. With bad news.

It turns out that my HCG level dropped from 1320 last Thursday to 900-something yesterday. I'm going to have a miscarriage. I felt lightheaded and started to see stars.

I give my doctor a lot of credit for calling me himself. He was really very kind about the whole thing. I have to go in tomorrow for another test, and they'll keep monitoring the levels until the HCG is gone. And now I just wait for the bleeding to start.

I didn't want to tell anyone until my husband had heard, so when I didn't get him on the phone, I text messaged him to call me. He managed to get away and call me while I was drying my hair, and I told him. Then I called my mom and the PPVI Institute.

I pulled myself together for work, where I was heading to a meeting with my two closest coworkers. The meeting was for fall planning, so yesterday, I told one of them that I'd most likely be on parental leave in the fall (and swore her to secrecy), and I was planning to catch the other one before the meeting to tell her. Fortunately, I caught the colleague I told yesterday before the meeting so I could tell her. I plodded through the rest of the day, and now I'm home.

My parents sent flowers. I e-mailed the costumer for the opera--I'm so embarrassed now that I told her! To get an almost complete stranger's phone call announcing a pregnancy, followed by a miscarriage announcement the next day, is a lot to take. I just couldn't face calling her again, and I figured an e-mail doesn't pressure her as much to respond in the moment. And I called my best friend, too. So, now the only person left to tell is my voice teacher, and I'll see her tomorrow.

It's not fun to technically still be pregnant and know it will all end any time now.

I really don't feel like cooking any of the good healthy-pregnancy foods I bought at the grocery store this weekend for dinner tonight. I'm thinking pizza and ice cream.

I'm trying not to drive myself crazy by thinking about what I might have done wrong. The bottom line is that I'm not in control. And, really, thank God I'm not. And I know that some good things will come of this--for one thing, we know conception is possible, and that had never happened before. I hear (don't know how true it is) that chances of another pregnancy soon after a miscarriage are good because your body is ready for it. And it will certainly give me more humility (because of the reminder that I'm not in charge) and empathy. But right now, I'm just really sad.

13 comments:

LifeHopes said...

My heart is so heavy for you right now. I just can't believe it. I just can't. I am so sorry to hear this. I am in prayer for you - may the Lord hold you in His strong arms and carry you right now.

mightym said...

I am so very sorry. Thinking of you.

Maygy said...

I am so sorry. My prayers are with you.

The Town Criers said...

I am so so sorry, sweetie.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. :( Praying God's special peace and comfort for you.

megan said...

i'm so, so sorry.
this isn't your fault....take care of yourself. have the pizza and ice cream, and do what you need to do.

Jennifer said...

((hug))
I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. Praying and thinking of you!

Jennifer F. said...

I am so sorry for your loss. You will be in my prayers.

Ms. P said...

This is so unfair. And totally out of your control. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

KatieM said...

I found you through the Lost and Found and I just wanted to say how extremely sorry I am for what you are going through. Believe me when I say I understand that "pregnant but not really pregnant" state, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone...((hugs))

holly said...

I am so sorry. I can't believe you went to work! How strong of you. I'll keep you my thoughts.

allyouwhohope said...

I am so sad to hear the news. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your baby.

Beth said...

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry :(

 

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