Sunday, January 20, 2008

Feelings . . . wo wo wo feelings

It's been a rough week. My emotions have been all over the place! I've been having trouble concentrating, sleeping too much or not able to sleep, crying at the drop of a hat, and feeling guilty about not feeling awful every minute. It's a frustrating place to be. I have to thank Katie for commenting--her description of the frustrations of an impending miscarriage really hit home for me. I was just so excited, thinking about having a baby in September. Now, not only will there not be a baby in September, but my body needs a chance to heal, so the nurse I spoke with said we'll need to take a break for one complete cycle after the miscarriage (so--I didn't get this at first--miscarriage, then a first period, then a complete cycle, then start treatment again). So I feel like we're losing a baby and losing time as well.

And in the meantime, the thought that I am carrying a dead baby has been really hard to take. I feel like I still shouldn't do anything that I wouldn't do if the baby were alive and growing, so I've been hesitant to do things like eat lunchmeat. Which just seems plain silly, but it feels like the baby's still there, so I need to be careful. I wish that the whole thing were over, but then I'm scared of the pain and possible complications (I'm especially scared that I might end up needing a D&C) and then I feel guilty about wishing it were over, too. Hmm . . . might hormones have anything to do with this bizarre collection of thoughts?

It was kind of a rough day today. I couldn't sleep last night (since the spotting had started, I was getting nervous), I was late to cantor this morning (not "late" as in mass had started but "late" as in 10 minutes after I was supposed to be there), and then I was just off--forgot that I was supposed to pick one of the songs, had never received the right setting of the psalm, etc. The music went OK, but I felt bad about it. Then I got pulled over. The state trooper said I didn't stop at a stop sign (Mr. X was driving behind me and said that he saw my brake lights, so maybe it was only a rolling stop, but come on!). Then, when I went for my license, registration, and proof of insurance, I didn't have my new insurance card on me--just the expired one (I am insured, honest!). I decided to just tell her. Hey, I figured, if she felt like giving me a break, great, and if not, then I wouldn't feel any worse for having told her. So I said, "I'm having a terrible day. I'm having a miscarriage." She said she was sorry and that she'd give me a break on the stop sign, but couldn't on the proof of insurance. I said that I understood. But when she came back to the car, she just gave me a warning and let me go. I was so relieved. Then I felt guilty for having told her, but, you know, it was true, and sometimes a person just needs a break. And it was really compassionate of her to do that.

I said I'd write about the prognosis/instructions, so if you don't want details, go ahead and skip this! These are the instructions I received: Wait two weeks for a natural miscarriage. If it hasn't happened naturally after two weeks, schedule D&C. First signs of miscarriage will be cramping and spotting, which could last from 1-2 hours to 2-3 days. Bleeding will become heavy, possibly with clots and tissue (my doctor said no tissue in my case). Bleeding will decrease to moderate/light, then light/very light. Bleeding will last about 10 days. Call the doctor in case of fever, foul odor, constant pain, or continued heavy bleeding.

And--maybe the most important part--the nurse said to call if I feel depressed, because they can prescribe progesterone for that. I know that PPVI has had incredible success in treating post-partum depression with progesterone (as in 95% of women respond positively to the treatment, with some women feeling relief within hours). So, if you're reading this and know anyone with post-partum depression or depression after a miscarriage, please pass on the information! I think it's only normal that I feel the way I do right now, but if I'm not feeling more normal sometime soon, I may call about it. Since I tend to be prone to anxiety anyway, it's not beyond the realm of possibility that I might need this.

So, I've had a day and a half of spotting now, and (thank you, God!) very little cramping. I haven't needed any ibuprofen yet, though I'm thinking I might be getting there now. Tomorrow I technically have the day off, but I scheduled a bunch of meetings. I'm wishing I could stay home and relax (translation: lie in bed), but Mr. X has to work, and I'd probably just mope around feeling sorry for myself . . . which is probably not the best thing I can do for myself right now. Distraction seems to be the key. :) And, speaking of distractions, I think I will go and find something for us to eat for a late dinner . . .


wanttobeamom said...

I am so sorry you are going through this! M/C's suck! There's really no way around it. I know putting TTC on hold after a m/c is very difficult, but (believe it or not) I think it's actually an important part of the healing process. It's like you have to deal with the m/c before you can really move on.

Again, I am so sorry this is happening! I wish this pg had stuck for you. I wouldn't wish a m/c on my worst enemy. I hope you are able to find some peace during this tough time.

LifeHopes said...

I am so very sorry about all of this.

It seems that those of us with fertility problems have to do an awful lot of waiting upon the Lord.

We will be waiting along with you until the day the Lord bless you once more.

allyouwhohope said...

Hope you're doing okay. I'm praying for you.


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