Sunday, June 29, 2008

Moment of Truth

OK, it's really not a moment of truth, but you get the idea. Today is CD32--P+12. If this cycle is like my last few, tomorrow will be CD1.

I sang for two masses this morning, and it did me good. We had First Communions at each mass, and, as the cantor, I get to call the communicants forward to receive. I just love watching their little faces light up! I saw a couple that I really like, and would like to get to know better, so I caught up to them after mass to say hi. They're expecting their first child, and they told me the due date--exactly one week before our baby was due. It made me feel kind of wistful. Whenever I talk to a woman who is due near the time I was (and I know four in real life), I think how nice it would be to be sharing that experience, to compare notes about pregnancy, to have our kids play together . . . all of that stuff.

As I've written about before, being pregnant and having a miscarriage brought a couple of things home to me that hadn't really hit me before. The reality of being responsible for a real little person with a real soul was quite a realization. And I never wanted to go to heaven so badly as when I knew that was the only way I would see my baby. Knowing that about myself makes me realize how much I need to grow as a Christian. Yes, I think it's a very human reaction, but it made me see how far my relationship with God falls short of where it should be (through my fault, of course).

Anyway, I've been thinking about all of this, realizing that the end of another cycle might be coming soon. I know I'll take it hard, because I've been so hopeful. This is the first cycle since the miscarriage that I have had so much hope. Since I didn't conceive until I was taking medication to stimulate ovulation, I wasn't all that shocked when I didn't conceive once I stopped taking the medication. Now that I'm taking medication again, I have really gotten my hopes up.

So, today, I took a little time between the two masses and went to pray in the little side chapel. I'm trying to let go of my illusions of control over this whole process and recognize that God's plan, whatever that is, will be better than I can imagine. Of course, I've prayed tons of times these last few weeks asking God to please let this be the time. And I'm still praying for that. But I'm also praying really hard that He gives me the grace I need to accept His will for me this week, whatever that turns out to be.


Jen said...

Joining you in that prayer! Big hugs of comfort to you...

allyouwhohope said...

I'm praying for you, too. Maybe tomorrow won't be cycle day one. You never know! You did it before and you will conceive again. And I've never miscarried, but I imagine my feelings would be similar to yours. It must really make you look at things differently. But the fact that you are utilizing the situation to draw closer to God is evidence of how strong your relationship with him is.

By the way, I thought I had the wrong blog address! Your new design looks great!

Jen said...

I will pray that you don't have to see another CD1 for ages! Keep us updated.

I love the new design!

JellyBelly said...

acceptance is so hard to pray for. i know that some months are harder to be hopeful.

hugs and prayers to you!

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

I agree that your new design is so pretty!! Lookin' good (now I just need to find the time to make mine look not so boring)!

Anyway, I'm so sorry that this cycle ended the way it did. You were on Clomid this time, right? Any reason why your Dr switched you from Femara when that had worked for you the 1st time? Just curious.

You'll be in my prayers as you start this new cycle... like I've said before, I do see good things in our near future (all of us).


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