Monday, March 31, 2008

Not again . . .

OK, so I've been feeling anxious again. This is so not fun. I was trying to describe to Mr. X what it feels like. I feel like an exposed nerve. Every thought, feeling, and sensation is just exaggerated and raw. I try to avoid bumping up against any thought that might cause pain. And then my mind conspires against me, too. I'll start to calm myself down about one fear that has fixated my thoughts, and my mind goes searching for loopholes. If it doesn't find any loopholes that let it keep worrying (and, sometimes, even if it does), then it starts searching for something else to worry about.

Unfortunately, Mr. X is on a business trip. I'm really trying hard to fight the anxiety, but it's so much harder when I'm alone. I had the worst time sleeping last night, with terrible dreams when I did sleep.

What stinks is that I feel better when I'm with people, but I get really down on myself, feeling guilty and thinking I'm a bad person, and then I feel ashamed to even call my friends. No fun! I felt much better once I was dressed and got in the car to drive to work. That kept me focused. I'm feeling not too bad now. Mr. X talked me down a bit this evening, figuring out worst-case scenarios for the things I was worried about, and telling me that he would take care of me no matter what happened. So that made me feel better. I've started to be able to put aside the worries, because I really had blown them all out of proportion.

And here's the other thing: I looked at my chart, and I felt anxious up until peak+1, and now I started feeling anxious again two days before my period should start. When I looked at the hormone graphs, it looks like the anxiety stopped when my progesterone should be rising, and it started again when the progesterone should drop off again. I'm definitely going to tell the nurse about this when I call in for my cycle review!


mightym said...

I know these feelings so well. SO WELL. In fact, I feel that way right now.

Jen said...

Wow, I am impressed that you found the connection with your chart.

I hope you feel better soon.

allyouwhohope said...

I'm anxious a lot, and I've always suspected it had something to do with my cycle but I've never paid that close attention. I guess I should! I really think our messed up hormones are to blame for so many things.

I hope you start feeling better soon. I'm praying for you!

LifeHopes said...

I am sorry for the lack of peace. I will pray for you.

I think that ttc is a source of general anxiety for all of us and it definitely is a daily battle.


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