Tough Day

I feel kind of bad even posting this with all the blessings I have, but today was a little bit rough. I woke up just feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. I mean, Mr. X and I have both been home with both kids for almost four weeks now, but I feel like we're barely taking care of things. The kids are happy (well, the little guy is as happy as he can be in this adjustment phase), healthy, fed, and clothed, which I know is the important thing. It just makes me nervous for when he goes back to work--and for when I go back to work. How are we going to do everything? And then I really hate the thought of someone else taking care of my kids! I'm feeling better now. After having a stupid argument with Mr. X, I finally told him I was feeling overwhelmed, and talking about it helped.

The babies are doing really well. The little guy is adjusting to us, and he really is just such a happy little boy! He cracked me up today when I came out of the bathroom (where I had been crying) and saw that he had put his favorite ball inside a little plastic bin and then squeezed his feet in there, too, and tried to sit down. When he saw me, he smiled and started bouncing up and down where he was sitting on the edge of the bin. The baby is doing great. She gained 13 ounces this past week, so I think we are out of the woods for now with the weight gain concern. She's getting chubby cheeks and multiple chins, so that's a good thing. Right now, we're trying to figure out how to keep her diapers from leaking. I have to admit that we haven't gotten the cloth diapering going. We put a cloth diaper on the baby for the first time when she was five days old. It was the middle of the night, I know I didn't get the diaper on her right, and she woke up two hours later with her clothes and sheets soaking wet--and that's when we saw that I was hemorrhaging and went back to the hospital. So, figuring out the cloth diapers became a low priority! Mr. X brought up the idea again a couple of weeks ago, but I suggested that we wait until our son was home a month before revisiting it--and that's coming up in a few days, which is kind of hard to believe. The issue with the baby's diapers (I think) is that she's not a round, chubby baby--she's thin for her height. So I think the issue is that the elastic around her belly and her legs just is not very tight, so when she has a really full diaper, it just goes everywhere. Right now, we have her in a disposable diaper (we just moved her to size 1) with a diaper cover over it. I think it's kind of funny, but it seems to help a bit.

Anyway, I have to run and get some sleep myself. I'm trying to hire someone as a mother's helper to come in just a few hours a week. Right now, that's definitely pushing it financially, but we can probably afford just a few hours, and I think it could make a big difference. Just to be able to get a few more things done, having someone to help so Mr. X can paint the bedroom doors, or someone to clean a bathroom or fold the laundry, or watch the kids while I shower, would be such a great thing!

I hope I'm not coming off as too whiny, but I think it's good to acknowledge the realities of the situation. I talked to a good friend when their twins (adopted as newborns) were about six months old. We had commiserated about our fertility problems and lost babies, and I was thrilled for them when they adopted. Six months in, she said to me "hard-won babies are still hard." I talked to a (married, with small children) Catholic missionary after mass on Sunday, and he said that he likes to make sure the college students he works with understand that marriage and family life are about sanctification--he said he tells them that you shouldn't get married because you want to, but because you're ready to die to self. Those have been good reminders when I feel like "we waited and wanted these babies so badly, we should do everything perfectly and be happy and grateful all the time." I do try to be grateful all the time, and I love these babies more than I knew was even possible, but it's still harder than I imagined!