Monday, January 12, 2009

Major Dilemma--Advice, Please!

Oh my goodness. We have a major dilemma on our hands! And I feel a bit odd posting about this, because we are really experiencing an embarrassment of riches. But I would love to have some advice, especially if you know anyone who has been in our situation!

We began the adoption process, and I don't want to post too many specifics, but it's an international program, and so there is some predictability to the process. My understanding was that, if we conceived, we would have to wait at least a year after the baby is born to complete an adoption. However, some of the information I had heard was contradictory, and we wanted to get everything completely figured out, so Mr. X and I went in to the agency for a meeting.

It turns out that, in the brief four months since we began the process, things have moved very fast. And, since we do not yet have a baby (in utero doesn't count) living in our house, we could complete an adoption in very close proximity to the birth of our biological child. Wow. The timing of the adoption isn't a sure thing, but somewhere between May and August. My due date is July 11.

The thing is, this program has strict parental age requirements. If we don't adopt now, we will pretty much have one shot after the baby's born. We would have to wait until the baby is almost two years old to bring home a child through adoption, and at that point, we'd be at the very end of the age limit. If we end up having another biological child within 18 months after the baby we're expecting now, we would not be able to adopt through this program.

So. Thus the embarrassment of riches. After 3 1/2 years of infertility and miscarriage, we may have an opportunity to adopt a baby (1 year or younger) and give birth to a baby at practically the same time. I'm very torn. I know that there are lots of practical reasons to postpone the adoption (make sure each child gets lots of attention, adjust to parenthood with one child before having a second child, the unknown about what each of these children will need--though we'll have good medical info through the adoption program, we don't know if our biological child might have some special needs). But I know people have brought two children home at the same (or close to the same) time before. And I kind of feel like we'd be saying no to a child (I know that's way oversimplifying, but you know how emotions are) if we postpone the adoption.

Anyone have advice? If you know anyone who's been in our situation, would you please ask them for their insights (or pass on my blog or e-mail)?

19 comments:

Sew said...

JUST GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!! RELISH EVERY SINGLE BLESSING GOD GIVES YOU! OH MY GOSH!!! I AM ABOUT TO PISS MY PANTS!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!! YOU REALLY REALLY CAN DO IT!!!! IF THE DOOR DOESN'T OPEN WITH ADOPTION THEN IT DOESN'T OPEN. BUT TRY TO WALK THROUGH IT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!! JESUS I TRUST IN YOU!!!!!

P>S> I wouldn't worry about the outside world saying the child won't get enough attention or whatever. I think it is a bunch of bul-honkey! :)

mrsblondies said...

I agree with Sew. You should go for it. God will give you what you can handle. You are more likely to regret not following through on the adoption than having to children close in age. Obviously, pray for guidance, but my feeling is to go for it.

Life In Mazes said...

Wow - I can only say do what the holy spirit is prompting you and Mr. X to do! My prayers are with you! You heart is big enough for all of God's blessings.

Kim said...

Wow! That is great news but I understand your feelings. I will send up a prayer for the two of you to receive guidance.

chicklet said...

Speaking from my gut, and the little I've read, I say go for it. It'll be kinda like having twins in the sense that you've never had one, so two won't be that much harder as you don't know how hard it is with one. And according to what I've found, as long as you adopt in birth order (ie. you'd adopt the older one first, then have a younger child), things are usually great. I'm totally jealous in the good way:-)

Jen said...

I would say go ahead and go for it, IF you have lots of help available at first. Babies are exhausting. At first, it was Matt and I both taking care of Elizabeth and I remember thinking how much harder it would have been with twins. (A how-do-people-do-it kind of thing.) Newborns are exhausting, breastfeeding is exhausting, and late pregnancy is exhausting. If you can count on some serious help (not like my in-laws who came when the baby was born, didn't help at all, and actually created extra work for me), then you should be fine.

Because, seriously, it seems like it is meant to be.

Beth said...

OH I would do it for SURE!!! Wow, two blessings and they would grow up together. You'd learn everything about parenting at the same time with both of them. They would never remember NOT having a sibling. Sounds like an incredible blessing.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

I don't know anyone who has been here before, but my initial reaction was to DO it!!

Of course, I can understand your struggle, though. I think that the best way to really know is to pray on it. God will let you know what is best for your family.

(This is so exciting!!!)

Heather said...

To me, this situation is much different than having twins or even two biological children close together. It's not just the practical or logistical issues of parenting two babies. Your adopted child would be adjusting to having their entire world changed--environment, caregivers, food, language. Helping them through that experience and working on attachment would require a lot of one-on-one attention.

Personally, I would postpone the adoption, as difficult as that would be.

Just my two cents. :)

P.S. This family went through similar experience.

Flakymn said...

I had someone leave a comment on my blog that I should jump to your's and comment on your situation. My blog is:

www.flakymn.blogspot.com

To quickly summarize our situation, after 10 years of marriage, we got on the waiting list to adopt from China, were called by a family friend to adopt her son, and then found out we were (after 4 failed IVFs) miraculously pregnant on our own.

I'd love to chat more with you. Please feel free to email me:

wkitsteiner@hotmail.com

I haven't had time to look at all the specifics for your story, but we now have an 8 month old and I am due anyday with baby #2 AND we are waiting for our China baby.

Doesn't God have a great sense of humor?!

JellyBelly said...

i would go for it. i think that your "embarrassment of riches" is coming from above. also, god wouldn't give you anything that you couldn't handle.

your position is enviable, really. i would love to have two opportunities to be a mom! just think the kiddies could play together and grow up together. my aunt had her first two sons 10 months apart and although it was a struggle for her, she loved that the boys had the same friends, shared their toys and kept one another company.

Jeremiah 29:11 said...

WOW! I will send up some prayers to the Holy Spirit for guidance. My only advice is pray, pray, pray! Oh, and keep us posted... :)

a thorn in the pew said...

Say yes, as Mary did and if it is God's Will, it will happen. If not, something will happen otherwise. God may be asking you to trust now. Saying yes to life is all He wants from us. He will take care of the rest if this is what is to be...
Praying for you.

Vent-ilation said...

That's amazing news! Do you what your heart and soul tell you. The tone in your blog sounds very excited about the idea, though. (at least to me)

Anonymous said...

I have a brother who is 7 months older than me. My parents adopted him and gave birth to me in a very short time frame. As far as I know they have no regrets and I can say it was great growing up with a sibling so close in age. we fought but we were also best of friends and always had someone to cause chaos with.
Kim

Anonymous said...

I have a brother who is 7 months older than me. My parents adopted him and gave birth to me in a very short time frame. As far as I know they have no regrets and I can say it was great growing up with a sibling so close in age. we fought but we were also best of friends and always had someone to cause chaos with.
Kim

Hafsa said...

This is obviously you being blessed and I'd say ignore the voices of doubt in your head and go for it! Think of how rich your life will be. I have a feeling if you decided not to do it, you would regret that decision years from now. I am so happy for you and Mr. X!

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Hafsa brings up a very good point... about regrets. It's like the argument Fr. Pavone from Priests for Life always makes. There are millions of women who regret having had an abortion. But there is no woman who regrets NOT having one.
I really don't think in the future you would say (no matter how chaotic life may be), "I wish I hadn't adopted this child!" But you may say I wish I HAD.

Jo Flemings said...

I will have 13 kids in April and the last pregnancy was with twins. Two at a time is hard but anyone who lives by faith and not by sight has what it takes to get through the rough parts by grace. GO FOR IT! Adoption has its challenges and so does bearing a baby from your own body- add them together and you have more challenges simultaneously. Yes, it will be hard, but the greatest gift you can give a child is a brother or sister and there are no guarantees- you have already lived that part. If you have the opportunity to adopt and you are pregnant I think you have set before you an abundant gift and I am sure you have everything you need to meet any challenge you might face.

 

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