On the up side . . .

All the craziness is over! OK, not really, but the million and one things I was doing are finished for the time being, and my life is going back to normal for a while.

So, I'm going to try reflecting a bit on the experience of the pregnancy and miscarriage. I'm not sure what I'll say exactly, so here goes my first attempt of what I'm sure will be several posts on the topic.

On the up side, I want to make sure that I remember the good things. Being pregnant, even for such a short time, was amazing. And even though I may never say so out loud to anyone in "real life," even if I never have another child, I am a mother. It feels very strange and bold to even type that, but I have to remember that. Even though I have been sad and angry, I've also been able to thank God for the short time I had with my baby.

All of the medical people I've worked with have been wonderful. I truly thank God for them. The compassion they have shown me was such a comfort, and I know that is not the norm for most women who have a miscarriage.

The physical aspect is encouraging, too. My doctor told me that it is much easier to treat miscarriages than it is to treat an inability to conceive. And now we know that the treatment I have had took away the inability to conceive (not that that means conception will be easy, either). He also was wonderful in that he told me I did everything right. I had my progesterone shots, took my vitamins, my hormone levels were right where they should be. So, even though many miscarriages are caused by hormonal issues, it appears that mine was not--it probably really was one of those cases where something goes wrong in the genetic process. (Not that that doesn't give me something new to worry about--what if this genetic issue is something that happens over and over again?) And the fact that the miscarriage proceeded naturally, without any medical intervention or complications, is another thing I am grateful for.

And people have, for the most part, been very good to me. I have even been surprised by the incredible kindness from people I didn't necessarily expect to treat me with such care. And, since I haven't told many people in "real life" about either the pregnancy or the miscarriage, the comments I've received on this blog represent a huge part of the support I've received.

I had another strange realization, too. The first time I really cried my heart out over the miscarriage was in response to what my husband said when he was trying to comfort me. Among other things, he said that this baby went straight to heaven, and what could be better than going straight to heaven. That just made me bawl. Thought I didn't say it to him, my immediate thought was "but couldn't I have held this baby just once?" And then the huge responsibility involved in being a parent really hit me. I know that it was early, and the idea of ensoulment and when an unborn child gains a soul is a controversy among theologians, but I believe that this baby has a soul. That's when the weight of parenthood really became clear to me. The responsibility for a new person who has an immortal soul is sobering, even though I didn't get to do much in the way of parenting. But I also believe and hope that this baby is with God. So, my second thought was "wow, I'd better make sure I make it to heaven, so that I'll be able to see my baby." I know that's not an ideal Christian sentiment--I mean, I should want to go to heaven to be with God, and I do, but at this point, being with my baby is a pretty strong motivator. And it is a comfort to be able to pray and ask the Lord and the Blessed Mother to take care of my baby.

OK, so those are the positives. I guess this was my way of easing into the whole topic. Talking about the negatives is much harder for me, but I think I'll be able to start that in the next post.