Looking back

The other day, I refilled our hand soap containers with the last of a refill bottle I found way back under the sink. When I had my surgeries in Omaha, Mr. X brought lots of disinfecting wipes to make sure the hotel room was clean, and we brought bottles of antibacterial hand soap, too. Usually, we use a different soap, but the refill bottle I found is that same antibacterial hand soap we used in the hotel room. Every time I wash my hands, the scent reminds me of the surgeries and the recovery--which was about 6 weeks for the big laparatomy.

It's interesting to be reminded of that right now, when I'm able to appreciate and be thankful for all that those surgeries did for us. My due date is almost exactly two years after the laparatomy.

When we decided to move ahead with the adoption process last fall, I was really happy about that decision. We knew we wanted to adopt, we found the program that fit, and I felt like we had done all of the "major stuff" in terms of infertility. I had the two surgeries, then went back for the follow-up HSG, and it seemed like anything else would be just tweaking what we'd already been trying. I felt pretty confident that we'd have a biological child someday, but that day might be years in the future, and I was very excited to adopt a child.

When I was single, I was pretty confident that I'd get married someday. But I thought about how wonderful it would be if someone could just tell me when I'd meet my husband. It would take away so much of the suspense and uncertainty. Now, as I'm getting ready to give birth and adopt--both within a matter of weeks--I think about how much easier it would have been to face the surgery two years ago if someone had been able to tell me, "in two years, you'll be getting ready to bring home two children." I wonder what I'll be thinking two years from now, looking back on this time, and what I'll wish I could have known.