Due Date

The day I have been dreading is finally here. Today would have been my due date.

I really thought I'd be pregnant again by now, but I'm not. And, by the grace of God, I'm feeling all right about that at the moment. I'll always miss my first baby and wonder what it would have been like to be bringing a newborn home this weekend. I wonder so many things about that baby, and those questions will never have answers as long as I'm here on earth. So, I will grieve a little bit today for what might have been.

But I'll also thank God for what I do have and for what I will have in the future.

I feel blessed by the good things that have happened in the last few weeks, and I see that God cleared my path so that I would feel at peace today. When I asked the nurse at PPVI about having another selective HSG, I fully expected to wait six months until I could be scheduled. Instead, the perfect time was available--perfect for my cycle, perfect for our work schedules, and only weeks away. We traveled to Omaha and I dreaded hearing the news that my tubes had been clear all along, feeling foolish for asking for a procedure I didn't need, and facing the fact that there was no easy explanation for why I wasn't pregnant yet. Instead, the HSG was needed, and now my tubes are clear again.

We've been talking about adoption for years--since before we were engaged. We always knew that we wanted to adopt, but we were swimming in options, and nothing felt quite right. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned to my husband an adoption program we hadn't really considered before. And it just felt right to both of us. I don't want to write much about the details right now--we have a long wait ahead of us, and I want to wait until I know things are going well before I talk about the specifics. But we worked like crazy for the last few weeks, finishing paperwork, lining up references, organizing financial records, and filing our taxes before the extension deadlines.

This week, we made our way to the agency's office with our paperwork to officially be put on the waiting list. My husband arrived before I did, and I was hurrying to meet him. As I dashed through a sun shower to the office door, I looked up. The dark clouds in the west were divided from the blue eastern sky by a perfect triple rainbow. I had never seen one before, and I stood for just a moment to take it in before I walked inside.

If I were in control and could plan my life any way I liked, I know we wouldn't be where we are today. And I can't imagine where God is leading us, but I know that our future will be beyond anything I could plan on my own.