Saturday, September 13, 2008

Due Date

The day I have been dreading is finally here. Today would have been my due date.

I really thought I'd be pregnant again by now, but I'm not. And, by the grace of God, I'm feeling all right about that at the moment. I'll always miss my first baby and wonder what it would have been like to be bringing a newborn home this weekend. I wonder so many things about that baby, and those questions will never have answers as long as I'm here on earth. So, I will grieve a little bit today for what might have been.

But I'll also thank God for what I do have and for what I will have in the future.

I feel blessed by the good things that have happened in the last few weeks, and I see that God cleared my path so that I would feel at peace today. When I asked the nurse at PPVI about having another selective HSG, I fully expected to wait six months until I could be scheduled. Instead, the perfect time was available--perfect for my cycle, perfect for our work schedules, and only weeks away. We traveled to Omaha and I dreaded hearing the news that my tubes had been clear all along, feeling foolish for asking for a procedure I didn't need, and facing the fact that there was no easy explanation for why I wasn't pregnant yet. Instead, the HSG was needed, and now my tubes are clear again.

We've been talking about adoption for years--since before we were engaged. We always knew that we wanted to adopt, but we were swimming in options, and nothing felt quite right. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned to my husband an adoption program we hadn't really considered before. And it just felt right to both of us. I don't want to write much about the details right now--we have a long wait ahead of us, and I want to wait until I know things are going well before I talk about the specifics. But we worked like crazy for the last few weeks, finishing paperwork, lining up references, organizing financial records, and filing our taxes before the extension deadlines.

This week, we made our way to the agency's office with our paperwork to officially be put on the waiting list. My husband arrived before I did, and I was hurrying to meet him. As I dashed through a sun shower to the office door, I looked up. The dark clouds in the west were divided from the blue eastern sky by a perfect triple rainbow. I had never seen one before, and I stood for just a moment to take it in before I walked inside.

If I were in control and could plan my life any way I liked, I know we wouldn't be where we are today. And I can't imagine where God is leading us, but I know that our future will be beyond anything I could plan on my own.


LifeHopes said...

For some reason I just started to cry while reading this post.

Of course, because I am sad about the loss of your baby ...

but I also suspect it is because I sense such wonderful things are in store for you. (tears of joy!)

I think you feel it, too. I believe that is true for all of us, we just have to have the faith to believe it. Sometime God allows us a glimmer of that future, perhaps through a rainbow, or in the laughter of a child. But I have found that you can find it when you are looking for it or when you are simply open.

Praying for all that is ahead!

Jen said...

I am so sorry. I will be thinking of you and your baby today.

It will never erase your first loss, but you have a very bright and beautiful future ahead.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

I really needed to read this today. I remembered you telling me when I began my blog, that you were going through your tragedy just around the same time I was going through my... well, not so much tragedy as stupidity-induced dilemma. Tomorrow would be my "fake" due date. And I had the same exact thoughts as you. "Oh, I'm be pregnant by THEN!"

I'm so excited that you are moving forward with adoption! And also very excited about your newly cleared tubes. I know that your baby is going to be here very soon, I just know it. Now it's just a matter of guessing how it will come into your arms :)

Thank you for being so inspirational. And GL as you plow forward!

JellyBelly said...

you're in my prayers. hugs to you.

Cara said...

Every baby is a soul forever embedded in our heart. I saw a rainbow on Emma's birthday too, it was stunning. They come through is such perfect ways, don't they! Thinking of you as your try again.

Bee said...

I also was supposed to be due this month and I also thought I would never make it to now without being pregnant. Not an easy milestone to face. I wish you the best.

Beth said...

Oh I will keep you in my prayers. I had a miscarriage in March - on Madeleine's 1st birthday. That due date would have been in December.

Thank you so much for your kind comments on my blog.

Jeremiah 29:11 said...

I am knew to all these infertility blogs, but I want to thank you for sharing your story with this online community. I have found so much support and encouragement through these blogs. I just started one myself! Thanks again...


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