Flashback

This Sunday, I sang for Confirmation at our parish. Kids are confirmed in 8th grade here, and I love hearing the saints' names they choose. Among the boys, a lot chose Francis, Patrick, John Bosco, Leo, and Gabriel, and I also heard Christopher, Nicholas, Timothy, Michael, Ambrose, and Anthony. A lot of the girls chose Mary/Maria and Elizabeth, with a couple of Joans and Claires, as well as Agnes, Helen, Bridget, and Cecelia. The most unusual choices I heard were Ciprian and Hedwig.

No one chose my confirmation name! Watching the confirmandi come forward, I remembered going with my sponsor to meet with my pastor for the big interview to determine whether I was ready to be confirmed. The pastor was a very kind man who had been at our parish for as long as I could remember. He asked me which St. Anne I had chosen, and I told him I chose St. Anne, the mother of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Then he asked why I chose her, and I replied "She had a lot of faith." He smiled and said, "In your own words," which kind of annoyed and embarrassed me, because they were my own words. So, I said, "Well, she really wanted a child, and when she couldn't have one, she prayed, and she believed that God would send her a child. And He did."

I was thirteen, and such things as having babies and difficulty in having babies seemed absolutely mortifying to discuss. And, yes, I chose St. Anne because of her faith . . . but I was really choosing among St. Annes, not among all saints, because I was following a family tradition of taking one's sponsor's name as one's confirmation name. In fact, my sponsor pointed out to me at the confirmation rehearsal that adding my confirmation name would make my name into kind of a silly pun!

I never dreamed when I was in eighth grade that I'd be sitting here years and years later, needing exactly the kind of faith I described in St. Anne. And I really wonder whether God let those circumstances come together to give me a patron saint who could be a powerful intercessor for exactly the circumstances I find myself facing now.

I'm embarrassed now that, for all these years, I really haven't been praying to St. Anne. I think it's about time I started. If anyone has any great prayers or novenas to St. Anne, please pass them along! I'll be thinking of your intentions, too, and praying that our children come to all of us soon, by whatever means God intends them to come.

Crazy Weekend

I promised All You Who Hope that I would post this weekend! :) But it's been a crazy one! Between Mr. X and me, here's what we we did on Saturday:

• Took delivery of our appliances
• Found out the dishwasher can't go in until we take out the counter
• Attended a baby shower
• Finished crocheting a bunny for said baby shower
• Attended a baptism reception
• Had the hardwood floors fixed where the refrigerator delivery guys banged them up two weeks ago
• Met visiting friends for dinner

I think that's plenty for one day, don't you? It was a lot of fun, though. It seems like we have no social things to do for weeks on end, and then all the fun things happen in one day!

Due Date

The day I have been dreading is finally here. Today would have been my due date.

I really thought I'd be pregnant again by now, but I'm not. And, by the grace of God, I'm feeling all right about that at the moment. I'll always miss my first baby and wonder what it would have been like to be bringing a newborn home this weekend. I wonder so many things about that baby, and those questions will never have answers as long as I'm here on earth. So, I will grieve a little bit today for what might have been.

But I'll also thank God for what I do have and for what I will have in the future.

I feel blessed by the good things that have happened in the last few weeks, and I see that God cleared my path so that I would feel at peace today. When I asked the nurse at PPVI about having another selective HSG, I fully expected to wait six months until I could be scheduled. Instead, the perfect time was available--perfect for my cycle, perfect for our work schedules, and only weeks away. We traveled to Omaha and I dreaded hearing the news that my tubes had been clear all along, feeling foolish for asking for a procedure I didn't need, and facing the fact that there was no easy explanation for why I wasn't pregnant yet. Instead, the HSG was needed, and now my tubes are clear again.

We've been talking about adoption for years--since before we were engaged. We always knew that we wanted to adopt, but we were swimming in options, and nothing felt quite right. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned to my husband an adoption program we hadn't really considered before. And it just felt right to both of us. I don't want to write much about the details right now--we have a long wait ahead of us, and I want to wait until I know things are going well before I talk about the specifics. But we worked like crazy for the last few weeks, finishing paperwork, lining up references, organizing financial records, and filing our taxes before the extension deadlines.

This week, we made our way to the agency's office with our paperwork to officially be put on the waiting list. My husband arrived before I did, and I was hurrying to meet him. As I dashed through a sun shower to the office door, I looked up. The dark clouds in the west were divided from the blue eastern sky by a perfect triple rainbow. I had never seen one before, and I stood for just a moment to take it in before I walked inside.

If I were in control and could plan my life any way I liked, I know we wouldn't be where we are today. And I can't imagine where God is leading us, but I know that our future will be beyond anything I could plan on my own.

Quick Update

And while I'm thinking of it, here's a quick update. I had the selective HSG done, and thank goodness I did! One tube was completely blocked and the other was partially blocked! When I had my laparascopy, both tubes were completely blocked, and the doctor said they could become blocked again but that they usually stayed clear for at least a year (I believe that's what he told me!). So, since it had been more than a year, and three cycles of clomid or letrozole with no pregnancy, I asked and he agreed that another HSG would be a good idea. So, we had a quick (in some ways . . . not in hours of driving) trip to Omaha, and now all is clear again!

Oops!

Hmm . . . This Cross I Embrace tagged me . . . and I did this and then saved it without posting it. Oops! Here it is . . . and if you haven't done it yet, consider yourself tagged!

Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play.

1. Where is your cell phone? table

2. Your significant other? husband

3. Your hair? red

4. Your mother? loving

5. Your father? patient

6. Your favorite thing? summer

7. Your dream last night? weird

8. Your favorite drink? cola

9. Your dream/goal? musical

10. The room you're in? dining

11. Your hobby? singing

12. Your fear? rejection

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? elsewhere

14. What you're not? mean

15. Muffins? huh?

16. One of your wish list items? piano

17. Where you grew up? Midwest

18. The last thing you did? paid

19. What are you wearing? jeans

20. Favorite Gadget? phone

21. Your pet? dog

22. Your computer? new

23. Your mood? happy

24. Missing someone? baby

25. Your car? Corolla

26. Something you are not wearing? socks

27. Favorite Store? book

28. Like someone? husband

29. Your favorite color? green

30. When is the last time you laughed? tonight

31. Last time you cried? Olympics