...and not by sight

Odds and ends

2011-11-27T13:30:00.001-08:00

Well, we made it through Thanksgiving just fine! I found the source of poor Sarah's food poisoning--a sippy cup of milk she had stashed by her dollhouse the day before. (That would be the day I had surgery, hence the poor tracking of milk cups.) Poor little thing! We are now making sure that milk cups go straight to the sink after a meal or snack.

I've been feeling OK--just a bit tired and light-headed since the surgery. I think it probably has to do with, oh, I don't know, not getting enough sleep? Or having a crazy passport odyssey followed by a late night of bathroom disinfection the day after surgery?

In the insanity of the last term at school (which just ended before Thanksgiving), I vaguely remember opening a jury summons. I know the date was sometime over break because Mr. X and I discussed whether I should try to get a postponement, and I said that it was easier to just take care of it since it was during my break. Hmm. I remembered on Wednesday, but no one was answering the phone at the jury commissioner's office, and they were closed on Friday, too. I'm sure it wasn't for Thanksgiving week (and no jurors were called on Tuesday or Wednesday, anyway), but it's fairly likely that it's this coming week. I have gone through--I kid you not--every piece of paper in the main area of our house. This is no small feat. No jury summons. And without a jury summons, I don't know my juror number, which means I don't know whether or not I'm called for jury duty tomorrow. Which means I will need to get a babysitter and set out for the courthouse at 7:30, simultaneously calling the commissioner's office to see if they can tell me my juror number and date of service. If I can't get through before 8:00 (jury reporting time), then I'll just have to go in with the other 300 (!) jurors called for Monday and try to get it figured out. And then, if it turns out I'm not called for Monday, I may have to do it again, possibly later the same week.

On a related note, I have purged all nonessential paper from the main living area, and we now have a new system for handling paper that comes into the house. By which I mean, we now have a system.

After seeing Jennifer mention it on Conversion Diary, I bought a copy of The Perfect Health Diet. I am mostly on the bandwagon--so, in contrast to my previous diet, no more grains (except for a small amount of rice), no more vegetable oils (except for a little olive oil and lots of coconut oil), very minimal sugar (except what's in a little fruit, dark chocolate, and occasional ice cream), and lots more fat, red meat, and fish. I don't even really crave the carbs--since I can still have a little potato and rice (and rice pasta, bread, and crackers, which have provided lots of interesting baking experiments), dark chocolate, and berries, and lots of butter and cream, my sweet tooth isn't driving me crazy. Next, we're going to try to find a source for free-range (grass-fed) meat and eggs.

One of the reasons I've been staying up too late is that we've gotten hooked on All Creatures Great and Small on Ne.t.flix. Why have I never watched this show before? Oh, yes, back when my brother was hooked on the books and the show when we were kids, I thought it was a show about animals. Well, it's not. But it is charming and delightful, so if you've never seen it and are looking for something good to watch, check it out!

Close enough, I hope

2011-11-23T21:06:00.001-08:00

Right now, I'm lying on the floor next to Sarah's bed, hoping she's finished throwing up. We're pretty sure (after reading Dr. Se.a.rs) that it's food poisoning. After almost three hours of vomiting, the poor little thing was exhausted and asking to put on her 'jamas and go to bed. Finally, at 9:15, I put her in her pjs, and she flung herself into bed, only to get up 15 minutes later to throw up again. I cleaned her up, brushed her teeth, tucked her back in, and she was asleep literally two minutes later.

But, really, thank God for small favors--I am so glad this started at 5:45 pm and not 2:00am. And so glad that it started at 5:45pm and not 4:45pm, when we were still in the County Clerk's Office.

You see, we FINALLY made it in to apply for the kids' passports today. For those of you keeping score, we went to the Social Security office back in April to apply for a Social Security card for Nick so that I could file our stinkin' taxes. No luck. We need proof of citizenship, which means either a passport or a certificate of citizenship. Since the certificate costs several hundred dollars and doesn't do you much good, we thought we'd go for the passport, since at least that would allow him to travel.

So. Turns out you need lots of paperwork for an internationally-adopted child's passport. And it turns out that both parents have to show up in person with the child to apply for a passport for a child under 16. At this point, we figured we might as well get Sarah's passport, too, for all that hassle. I've had the paperwork together for ages, but I needed to take decent passport photos (the verdict's still out on the decent-ness of the result), and we needed to find a time during business hours that all four of us could show up.

The County Clerk's office closed at 4:30pm today. At 3:15, Mr. X called me to say he was getting ready to leave the office--mind you, he has an hour commute to the County Clerk's office, and it's the day before Thanksgiving. Of course, I was just parking the car at Costco to pick up the photos, so I was no better off. I ran home, relieved the babysitter, convinced Nick to go potty and put his shoes on, picked Sarah up out of bed where she was still napping, and ran them out to the car in their socks. I coaxed them to put on their shoes on the way, called Mr. X to check his ETA, and dashed into the County building at 4:23.

I ran into the passport office, where the poor woman behind the counter eyed me dubiously. She reminded me that they close at 4:30 and asked if my husband was with me, if I had my paperwork filled out, and if I had checks written. Oops. I had my paperwork (I even had it organized in a neat little multiple-pocket folder). But I remembered I wrote the last check in my checkbook the other day. I called Mr. X, who found a single check folded in his wallet. That would get us one passport application, if we could produce $25 cash for the processing fee.

By some minor miracle, Mr. X ran into the office on the dot of 4:30. We conferred, and he thought he might have a checkbook in his car. We had $38 cash between us, but there was an ATM outside the door to the county building. I started going over the paperwork with the woman behind the counter and he sprinted out to the car. I knew he could get in the building, since some of the offices are open till 5:00, but I'd have to let him back in the passport office.

Then the ladies noticed that Nick has no social security number, and said that the State Department might not issue a passport without a Social Security number! You have got to be kidding me. So I had to write a note saying that I had been turned down for a Social Security number, and they said we'd have to just see what the State Department says. Argh!

Mr. X came back from his trip to the car and ATM, so now we had enough cash for both application fees. And he had found a check. A check I had written to a teenage babysitter. I wrote one of the numbers funny, and she thought the bank might give her a hassle, so I had just written her a new check. Somehow Mr. X found the old one. Technically, as long as I initial any changes, it should work. So I changed--and initialled!--the payee. . . and the date . . . and the amount. My signature didn't need to be changed.

So we submitted Nick's application with a picture that we hope will meet the requirements, a handwritten note about my inability to get a Social Security number for him without a passport, and a perfectly acceptable check. And possibly without a height--I feel like I forgot to write down his height, even though the lady checked over the application and didn't comment on that.

We submitted Sarah's application with a picture that we hope will meet the requirements and perhaps the most bizarre check that the State Department has ever received. (The lady said, "they're definitely going to contact you about this!")

The kids behaved beautifully, mainly because they had a Little T.y.kes table and chairs with an assortment of books, and Mr. X sat with them when he wasn't being asked to promise under oath that this application was correct. Nick provided musical entertainment. So you can see why I'm truly grateful that the vomiting did not begin until we were out of that poor woman's hair! And, seriously, God bless her for bearing with us patiently as her office was closing for Thanksgiving!

It's now been an hour since Sarah fell asleep (though she just stirred a minute ago and said "I done! I done!" . . . which is what she's been saying in the middle of throwing up). I think I'm going to throw in the next load of laundry, disinfect the bathroom, and go to sleep. But not before I say many prayers that this is just food poisoning and not something contagious!

Surgery Report

2011-11-23T09:13:00.001-08:00

I had the hysteroscopy and HSG yesterday with the new doctor. Things looked pretty good. The great news is I have no scarring from the D&C! My tubes weren't blocked. The pressure was good at first, but the dye wasn't pouring through the tubes freely. After the doctor ran the wire down the tubes, the dye ran through. That sounds to me like there may have been some crud in there, but not enough to block the liquid completely.

So, we'll see. Mr. X talked to the doctor, and I know I did too in the recovery room, but I don't remember a thing! I won't get to talk to the doctor till Monday, so I'll probably ask more questions then.

Sugery #5

2011-11-18T21:48:00.001-08:00

Here's the big news! Surgery #5 is scheduled for Tuesday. To recap my surgical history:

May 2007: Surgery #1 with Dr. H. Diagnostic laparascopy that identified extensive endometriosis and one (!) polycystic ovary (other ovary appears normal). HSG revealed blocked tubes, both of which were opened. Endometrial biopsy identified low-grade uterine infection.

July 2007: Surgery #2 with Dr. H. Laparatomy. Success! Removed endometriosis, wedge resection on polycystic ovary.

January 2008: Positive pregnancy test #1! (Also first f.e.mara cycle.) Miscarriage on January 21st at 6w2d.

September 2008: Surgery #3 with Dr. H. At my request, a selective HSG to determine whether tubes were blocked. One fully blocked, one partially blocked. Success! Both tubes opened.

November 2008: Positive pregnancy test #2!

July 2009: Sarah born! Surgery #4, 5 days postpartum. D&C to stop hemorrhaging due to freak retained placenta that did not present for the first 4 days.

And now:
November 2011: Surgery #5: Hysteroscopy with selective HSG. First surgery with local NaPro surgeon. Checking out whether tubes are blocked and whether there is any damage from life-saving (literally life-saving) post-partum D&C.

Hoping and praying that this does the trick!

The new plan

2011-10-21T14:10:00.000-07:00

Hallelujah, we had a breakthrough! I had the kids in bed and asleep at 7pm last night! I don't remember the last night they were asleep before 8! (Heck, I'm not sure when they last fell asleep before 9!)

After giving it some thought and getting some advice, I had decided to try doing away with naps entirely . . . at least in the short-term. However, missing the nap usually ends with Sarah having night terrors (which she did last night, poor little thing!). Nicholas seems to be past night terrors for now, but he also had them at her age when he was over-tired. Well, we're all overtired at this point, for heaven's sake

So, yesterday, I called the Catholic preschool we're thinking about for next year. I asked a bunch of questions, one of which is whether the kids nap at school since the day is so long (8:00-2:45). I found out that they eat lunch at 11:15, go down for naps at 11:45, and are up again at 1:15. I started thinking about that schedule--and the fact that many people suggested shorter and/or earlier naps--and decided we'll try lunch at 11:00, nap at 12:00, up by 1:30. Yesterday, we skipped naps (except for a 15-minute snooze Nick had in the car) because I had a doctor's appointment after preschool. The kids were very cranky, but fell asleep within 10 minutes of getting in bed last night.

We'll just have to wing it on preschool days, since we don't get home until 2:00 after school. The preschool schedule is the whole reason for our current, late nap schedule. Because we get home so late on school days (two days per week), we've gone to a late nap schedule every day so as to remain consistent. Since the kids started back to preschool this fall, we have to wake them from their naps at 4:00 almost every day so that they won't sleep too late. Ha ha. I can see that they've been sleeping too late for a long time--it's amazing that they went to sleep at night so well for so long with such a late nap schedule. I blame the sleep deprivation for my inability to see the obvious problem for so long!

If we move to an earlier nap schedule, I'm hopeful that the kids might fall asleep in the car on the way home from school for those two days a week. Then they might get enough of a cat nap to make it till an early bedtime. It just confirms, though, that we need to move to a different preschool. I love the school and the teachers (and so do the kids!), but the schedule just doesn't work for us. If we can make the transition to an early nap schedule and make school days work, we'll stick it out for the rest of the year. Next fall, Sarah will be three, and that will open up a lot of possibilities for us.

The Catholic preschool (which only takes 3- and 4-year-olds) is part of a small-ish parish school. The parish is trying to revive the school, which is in an aging neighborhood. The upside of this is that there are less than 20 students per grade right now and the school is attempting to revitalize by--surprise, surprise--becoming even more orthodox. Hooray! We know a family whose kids started there this fall, so we can get some feedback from them. The cost is also significantly less per hour than our current preschool, the hours will work better for my work schedule, and it's only five minutes from my office. That means I have an easier commute, I can stop by for lunch/mass/school programs, and I'm much closer in case of emergency. The downside is that class size is large (16 3-4-year-olds to two teachers right now, with the class capped at 20) and Sarah and Nick would be in the same class.

Well, enough of my stream of consciousness. Let's see if I can knock three projects off my list in the next 75 minutes, shall we?

The little things

2011-10-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

Thanks, everyone, for the support on the sleep issues! Things are getting better. We've started eating dinner a bit earlier and then going for a walk after dinner to burn some of that energy. One of us has been sitting in the room with them until they fall asleep for the past five nights, and we've removed all toys and books from their bedroom to cut down on distractions. I'm going back to the sleep training book we used and loved nine months ago (The Sleep Lady's Good Night Sleep Tight), because I know she talks about regressions and siblings sharing a room (silly me, I checked the book out from the library, so I'm just going to buy it now). We've noticed that Sarah is testing me WAY more than she's testing her dad, too. Hmmm.

Anyway, I have lots more work to do tonight, so here are two things the kids did today that really got me.

We've been talking about death a lot because a member of our extended family died recently, and we brought the kids to the wake. (Good conversations--the other day, Nicholas was talking about it and said "That person died. That's like . . . somebody goes to God.") Because of his love of processions, friends of ours attached a crucifix to a broomstick for Nicholas to play with. He was playing with his cross tonight, and I told him to put it away before we went for our walk. He said, "Wait! I want to kiss Jesus!" then kissed him and said "I sorry you dyin'."

Then, later tonight, I finally got Sarah tucked in for the last time, and we talked about her babydolls. She told me that she is their mommy and that she likes to take them to the park, with the big sister doll walking and holding her hand, and the little sister doll riding in the stroller. Then, she said "We sit on the bench. Then I go to work--No, I say 'I not go to work, I stay with you,' and they laugh and laugh." Oh, the guilt!

And on that note, I need to get back to work so I can get some sleep tonight!

I am so not kidding

2011-10-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I am not kidding about the sleep thing. Last night, I decided to ~~bribe~~ reward the kids for behaving well with an offer of chocolate milk in the morning. Yeah. Sarah lost hers before they were even tucked in for the night.

I also decided to spend a few minutes after lights-out singing to the kids and rubbing their backs to help them wind down. They seemed to be doing pretty well. Mr. X got home during the singing, so I prolonged it a little bit for them to settle after he came in to say goodnight.

They were quiet for a while, and then we started to hear some signs of revelry in the room. When we went in, they were both running around the room s.ta.rk n.ake.d. I kid you not. And Sarah had sat down and peed on her pillow. Lovely. And that was round one!!

As the night wore on, I went in several more times. The highlight was probably the suspicious thumping noises that led me to the room to discover that they were climbing from Nick's bed onto his dresser and jumping down. The night involved time-outs (some of which happened in the playpen in our room where Nick takes his naps), loss of privileges (i.e., stuffed animals and books in bed), and eventually, sleep at about 10:45. After that, I stayed up too late to watch about an hour of TV because I just wanted to sit down and relax before crashing. Argh!

Toddler Sleep

2011-10-10T20:34:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. Goodness.

So, Nick and Sarah went from a pretty good sleeping situation to craziness. I think it started with Sarah's two-year molars (still working on the last two of those). But the pattern has become that they party in their shared bedroom for at least three hours after we tuck them in. We have to make multiple visits to the room, each of them wets their pants at least once (intentionally), and so on. It's not unusual for them to be up until 11:30.

This has all happened in the last month. We've had a lot of changes with the school year starting, and we had gotten pretty lax about waking them up at the same time every day. Naps also got moved later, since we don't get home and settled after preschool till 2:00.

So, we are now waking them at 7 every day, and we (or the babysitter on duty) wake them from their naps by 4 if they're not already awake. They showed a little improvement, and it's been just about a week.

I went to a friend's wedding back home and was gone for two nights. Mr. X opened their bedroom door and monitored them last night, and tonight I'm on duty. It's been almost two hours. This is craziness!

I really wish we could move them into separate rooms, but I don't see that happening in the near future. The other two bedrooms are downstairs, have ceramic tile floors, and are in use as our home office and guest room. I would not be opposed to converting the guest room into a kid's room, but the distance from our room, the tile floor, and the fact that the door between the guest room and the office doesn't close make it unappealing.

Any ideas?? Really--anything??

Random goofiness

2011-10-06T09:33:00.000-07:00

I have two minutes before my P+7 blood draw, so here are a couple of goofy things the kids have been doing lately:

On a bedtime-delaying bathroom trip, Nicholas started getting rambunctious. I told him it was quite time--no talking. So he started clicking his tongue. I said, "no clicking your tongue, either." So he started smacking his lips. I had to bite my own lip to keep from laughing, but told him no smacking his lips either. So he started clicking his tongue again.

Sarah has started telling elaborate stories about her favorite babydolls. The thing that especially cracks me up is that one doll is the big sister and the other is the little sister (the big one walks, and the little one crawls). In her stories, the big sister doll is always terrorizing the little sister doll, who then "cwies and cwies. She cwies a lot." I'm kind of stumped, because Nick is usually very kind to her, but I guess that's sibling rivalry for you!

I know I've got better stories than that, but those will have to wait till I'm not running to an appointment!

Well, hello again . . .

2011-10-01T13:20:00.000-07:00

It's been an eventful couple of months! And even though I'm late (surprise, surprise!) for quick takes, here--briefly--is what's new around here.

Secondary Infertility. Yep. Officially on cycle 8 using Creighton model for achieving pregnancy, so, given my age, here we are. Really hoped we'd be done with this! I had really hoped that, after having Sarah, I'd have normal fertility. Then again, this is really different than primary infertility for me, in that we are already parents. We would love to have more kids, but we are already blessed beyond measure with the two we have.

Here's the low-down: still have luteal phase defect, slight hypothyroidism, and hormone dysfunction. Since my cycles returned, I've been back on vitamins, amoxicillin, guaifenesin, slow-release T3, and hCG post-peak. I'm now on my third cycle with femara. In the past, I conceived on my first femara cycle (and then miscarried), then on my first full cycle with femara after Dr. H unblocked my tubes (and then had Sarah). So being on a third cycle with femara now does not bode well. In the past, I've had really intense ovulation pain on femara, and that happened on my first cycle this time . . . and then not again. I've just had a few little twinges. Combine that with the fact that my crummy post-peak estradiol levels don't seem to be responding to the hCG, and it makes me wonder if I've got something new going on here. What that new thing might be, I don't know--any ideas?

. . . and that brings me to my third point. New treatment! My local Napro doctor has prescribed an estradiol patch for P+3 - P+12. Has anyone tried this? Any advice?

We have a new Napro OB/GYN in town. Hooray! My current plan is to make an appointment and talk to her about the possibility of another selective HSG. Since I've had two selective HSGs, and my tubes were blocked both times, it seems somewhat likely that they might be blocked again.

Wonderdog is no longer with us. Her health continued to decline steadily, and at the beginning of August, we made the difficult decision to euthanize. It was pretty awful, but the vet was very kind, and we know her suffering is over.

Thanks so much for the nice comments on my last post . . . um . . . two months ago. The weaning went really well. It seemed to be much less traumatic for Sarah than for me. She only asked to nurse a couple of times, and accepted my explanation. Just a couple of weeks ago, she was drinking milk out of a cup and told the babysitter, "I drink milk in a cup. I not drink Mommy's milk anymore."

We are GETTING RID OF STUFF! Oh my. I just can't stand living in a sea of stuff anymore. I realized that my sense of being overwhelmed and frustrated with my work is partially due to the fact that my desk at home and my desk at the office are covered and surrounded by piles of books and papers. I can't find anything. I can't sit down when I have 15 minutes and get a little work done because there's nowhere to do it. When I realize that I have to get up and search for the required objects to complete my next task, the temptation to get online is too great.

So, the new plan is: clear my desks. Put things I don't need immediately into boxes to be handled in a daily sorting time. I can't just leave things where they are and wait the weeks (months?) it would take to clear it out a little bit at a time.

My new rule is: If we don't NEED it right now, it goes away. No more holding on to things because I might need them. I would rather end up getting rid of something I eventually need than store 20 items I might need . . . and then endure the frustration of needing an item and not being able to find it amid all the stuff. If we know we'll need it in the future (e.g., essential baby items that we will need, please God, for another child), then we will keep it in deep storage.

We changed parishes officially. Interestingly enough, we found out a couple of weeks ago that we actually live within the boundaries of our new parish--and have for the last seven years! We're very happy with the new parish. It has the kind of community we've been looking for for a long time.

That's it for now. The kids (who are doing beautifully) are napping, and I have about an hour to tackle my to-do list. I'll be back soon . . .

Milestones

2011-07-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

Oh my. And I thought summer would be an easier time for me to keep up with blogging. Hahahahahaha.

So, potty training. Yeah. Wow.

It's actually going pretty well, but I scoff at my idea that it would be an intense week and then things would be under control! Nick's pretty well trained, and now he has "accidents" only (a) when he's way too involved to stop playing (but this is stuff being at the zoo, so pretty darn exciting), (b) when he has timeouts, and (c) when he's tucked in to go to sleep. A little manipulation, anyone? Sarah's doing remarkably well, especially considering that she's not even two yet. But its a lot of laundry. Maybe a little more than with cloth diapers. The payoff should be big, though.

But the big milestones around here are these: Sarah is weaned, and I'm on fe.ma.ra this cycle. Yesterday was the big day. It seems like doctors are somewhat divided in their advice, but most do not recommend nursing while taking femara. I read up and found that for the typical c.anc.er dose, it takes 10 days for the drug to leave your system. The dose I'm taking for ovulation induction is 10 times that amount.

Once Sarah was night-weaned and my cycles came back in February, we decided to start trying without any medication to induce ovulation for a few months. I started back on T3, hCG injections, amoxicillin, and vitamins, and my progesterone finally got back up to normal levels in June.

Sarah's almost two, I just turned 37, and we'd love to have a couple more kids. When I had my first surgery, my tubes were blocked, but Dr. H was able to open them back up. After I conceived and then miscarried, we weren't able to conceive again, so I asked him if I could have another HSG to see if the tubes were blocked again. One was partially blocked and the other was completely blocked. Dr. H opened them again, and Sarah was conceived the next cycle. So we really don't want to waste too much time and risk things getting messed up again.

Even though I didn't have any diagnosed ovulation problems, I have only conceived while taking f.ema.ra. And the track record is darn good--I conceived on the first cycle the first time I took it, and on the second cycle the next time (the first cycle that time was the cycle in which I had the HSG).

But I really didn't want to wean Sarah. I looked around for resources on gentle weaning, and she's done really well. A few weeks ago, I explained to her that we would have to stop nursing because I have to take some medicine that would make the milk bad for her. First, I cut down to just nursing at bedtime and at naptime if she asked. (She was already sometimes skipping nursing for a whole day and just nursing at bedtime on many days.) Then I reduced the time she spent nursing at bedtime and tried to break the association of nursing during other bedtime activities (like stories and prayers). I let her drink a sippy cup of milk after nursing, too.

But last night was the last time. She didn't seem to fazed, but I couldn't help crying. She asked to nurse when I was dressing her this morning (the first time she's asked in the morning for a couple of weeks), but we talked about it, and she was calm. I'm dreading bedtime tonight, though.

I know she's almost two (her birthday's on Sunday). I know this is a long time (in our culture anyway) to nurse. I know that we have a strong relationship and that I'll continue to be close to her. I know that this is our best chance to give her and Nick another sibling. But with the early nursing struggles we had, the thrill of finally having a baby to nurse, and the fear that there won't be another one, I think I might be sadder than she is.

Summer Resolutions

2011-05-26T20:50:00.001-07:00

OK, so it's not officially summer yet. And it's not even summer by the definition "school's over for the year." I do still have a couple of papers to grade, a manuscript to review for a journal, at least four more meetings, and a graduation and reception to attend. However, I do not have to walk into a classroom again until September.

And now I'm sitting on the couch because I can. It's probably not the best thing I could do, but I need a bit of a break. Yes, I watched the Glee season finale last night, but that was after I cleaned the kitchen and washed some toys our lovely neighbors pulled out of their shed and gave to our kids (how much does it rock that our neighbors give our kids all their old toys? I don't think I'll have to actually buy toys any time in the foreseeable future).

But I'm not going to sit on the couch all summer, oh no! I have big plans. BIG plans. And, yes, I am making fun of myself just a little bit because I'm sure my plans are probably too big. But for the record, here they are:

1. Potty training. The potty training book I ordered on Amaz.on (because I ordered it TWICE through interlibrary loan, and both times my order status says "in transit" for weeks and then goes away) will arrive tomorrow. Nick is very close to being potty trained already, and Sarah likes to do what he does, so we'll see how that goes. If she's not there yet, we'll go back to diapers and try again later.

2. Getting rid of half the stuff in our house. I am so not kidding. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of STUFF. I also ordered the Joy. o.f L.ess and should be getting it tomorrow. I don't see myself turning into a minimalist any time soon, but some kind of middle ground would be really good.

3. Writing some grant applications. I have to get myself some research funding for work. It will make life (and working with small children) a million times easier, and I am just plain scared to start. I'm going to line up babysitting for a couple of mornings a week to get on this, because it has to happen this summer.

4. Working out. Unfortunately, the exercise video Mr. X ordered me for Mother's Day (IT'S OK! I asked him for it specifically and even sent him the link to buy it) got lost in the mail. The guy gave us a refund, but I'm bummed out. It's made by the woman who taught my prenatal exercise class, and I own her prenatal workout video, which rocks. So, I wanted this one specifically, but they're sold out, and I found one on At.omic M.all, and that was the only copy I could locate. Argh. But I will exercise, video or no video!

5. Praying. Must ramp up prayer life. No excuses! It's so much better than it was last fall, but I see now how critical this is to everything else.

6. Getting the rest of my life in order. You know, the little stuff. Having friends over regularly, getting our finances in better order, buying a car (long story, which I will fill in soon), etc. Not really, though. These things have to get done, but the first five are critical.

And, yes, maybe two years is a better time frame, but I am fired up. This summer will be it!

Free!

2011-05-25T21:03:00.000-07:00

I taught my last class of the school year today. I am celebrating with a glass of wine and the Glee season finale. That is all for now. :)

Whirlwind

2011-04-18T20:24:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness. I'm sooo ready for summer to be here. I have a post to put up about my big epiphany (still needs some work, and don't have time for that tonight, for reasons that will soon become clear), and in that I talk a lot more about work than I ever have on this blog. So, as a little preview of that, I'm a professor at a secular university. Right now, I have about six weeks left until I finish teaching for the summer and can be at home with our kids.

Things were going along pretty well, with our kids attending a little preschool/parents'-day-out program two mornings a week (and then I pick them up, take them home for naps, and work while they sleep), and our beloved nanny caring for them all day on my teaching days. Short of grandparents living next door, I couldn't hope for better childcare when we can't be with the kids. And then our nanny was injured in an accident last week! She'll be fine, but has a lot of recovery and healing to do. She's been such a tremendous blessing to our family, and I'm so sad to think of her in pain. I'm sad for us, too, because she's a wonderful influence on our kids, and on Mr. X and me, too--and we just plain like being with her.

So, with great trepidation, I set out to find childcare for the rest of the school year. Mr. X was wise in suggesting that we make plans for this week first, and then worry about finding a more permanent solution for the rest of the school year. He asked the wonderful couple who sit with the kids during mass (while we sing up in the choir loft), and they graciously said they would watch the kids during my classes this week. The teenage daughter of another couple in our spirituality class is going to babysit in the evening so we can go to class. That gave us some breathing room.

I called the preschool first, and they were very helpful. They said that they could take the kids for the other mornings for the rest of the year. That's really my top choice, because the kids love it there, and we're very happy with the program and the teachers (they have a parent helper every day, and we've been really impressed on our helper days). I'd rather stick with something the kids know and like, rather than spring something new on them. Unfortunately, the "school" day ends in the middle of my teaching schedule. I've been trying since Friday to figure out a solution, hoping that I could find someone to pick the kids up, bring them home, and tuck them in for naps. While working on that angle, I also ran searches on all the child care centers around our home and around my campus. My heart was just sinking at the thought of bringing my kids to a new daycare center or hiring a stranger, wonderful though that stranger may turn out to be. It's just too much when our resources and nerves are stretched thin.

And then I called the kids' first babysitter, a very kind woman to whom I haven't spoken in a while. I thought there was no way she'd be available, but thought I would just ask on the off chance she'd be interested. It turns out that the timing is perfect! She's available, and it sounds like it will work out just as well for her as it will for us!

I've been praying and praying that God would send us the right solution. And I think this is it!

OK. Now I'm off to do a little more work . . . and then shovel out the house, because OH MY GOODNESS, we have a new babysitter who's tied in to our social network, and she's going to be here tomorrow night! But I'm going to sleep well tonight, because my babies will be in trusted hands while I finish out the term.

Three in Diapers (Not a Pregnancy Announcement)

2011-04-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

Gaaah! This is what happens when I go back to work. All my good intentions about keeping up with the blog go out the window. I wrote a big, long post about an epiphany I had, but it's not ready yet. In the meantime . . .

All is not well with Wonderdog. She's a 13-year-old shepherd mix, and she's been having some issues for about two years. At that point, I was pregnant, she seemed to be having some problems with arthritis in her hind legs, and she suddenly started peeing on the floor in her sleep. We took her to the vet, thinking maybe she had a UTI, maybe she was weirded out by pregnancy pheromones . . . we didn't know. Because we're not vets. The vet had no good answers (but wanted to run many hundred dollars' worth of tests). We have had her in a couple of times, but the answers were about the same (long-term anti-inflammatories not a great idea . . . but her heart skipped a beat . . . maybe she needs a pacemaker . . . how about we run many hundreds of dollars' worth of tests?).

Finally, things have become much worse. She's having a lot more trouble with stairs, her hind paws slip a lot, and now she's been pooping a lot in her sleep. And this week it was once in her sleep and twice while awake--and it was a TON of poop those times, and it was all over the place. So Mr. X took her in, and he finally got to see the good DOG vet (as opposed to the BIRD vet), and she did some simple neurological tests and said she's most likely got cani.ne deg.ener.ative myelo.pathy. Basically, it's a progressive neurological disorder common to shepherds (and some other breeds). She has a lot of muscle atrophy in her legs and behind, she can't tell where her hind legs are in relation to the rest of her body . . . and, when she's sleeping, she loses bladder and bowel control because of muscle atrophy and lack of sensation. Ugh. The poor thing! And the symptoms can mimic arthritis, incontinence is a typical symptom . . . so I'm betting she's had it for at least two years.

She's been such a wonderful dog! And I know dogs don't live for ever, and big dogs in particular don't live forever, but what a bummer that she's suffering with this. So now we have doggie diapers for night, she has booties on her hind paws to give her more traction on the wood floors and stairs (which seems to help), and we got a harness that will make it easier for us to lift her and help her on the stairs. She still loves to go for walks, and yesterday she chased a bunny in the back yard (briefly, but she did it), so she's not down for the count yet. Nonetheless, we'll be making some tough decisions in the not-too-distant future.

Two minute update

2011-03-22T20:40:00.000-07:00

Still dealing with the after-effects of the stomach bug (i.e., giving the kids probiotics and very gently adding foods back into their diets). Went back to work yesterday. Realized today that I missed the deadline for returning the used potty to A.ma.zon. Argh!!! I could just cry about that. My first day back was fine, except that I forgot I wore a coat in the morning . . . which would not have been a big deal if my car keys weren't in the pocket. Forty minutes, two ransackings of my office, and a twenty minute walk to check whether they were in my car out in the parking lot later, I remembered that it had been cool in the morning. I got home 45 minutes late. Thank God for our heaven-sent babysitter!

And now I will crash!

Round three

2011-03-14T20:47:00.000-07:00

We're back for round three of this stomach bug. Three times in a month! Sarah had it last week, and Nick came down with it this morning. No fun. I'm praying that we'll be done with it this time. I go back to work on Monday. Thank goodness I took my belated maternity leave when I did--the kids have been sick ridiculously often, school was cancelled due to cold (that's a first around here), the sewer backed up twice, and we had the whole mercury-thermometer fiasco. I'm so glad I wasn't trying to really work during this whole time!

And hallelujah, we're having our sewer line replaced tomorrow! It's been a huge problem for years, but it will be fixed tomorrow! Mr. X went to C.ost.co today, and I asked him to buy a case of toilet paper--the cloggier the better. We've been buying RV toilet paper for years in the hopes it would be easy on our temperamental sewer pipe.

The guys came by and dropped off the trackhoe (according to Mr. X--the kids and I just call it a "digger truck") this afternoon. I had taken Sarah for a walk before lunch while Nick was napping on Mr. X's lap this morning, and we kept an eye out for the truck, which was supposed to arrive at any time. I asked her, "Do you see the digger truck yet?" She said, "No! Scary." I just love that she can tell me how she feels now. So we talked about how trucks can be kind of scary, but we'd just watch this one through the window inside our house, and she seemed to feel a bit better about it. When the truck finally arrived, the noise woke her up from her nap, and sure enough, she insisted that she didn't want to look at the truck. About a half-hour later, she decided to look out the window, and then when Mr. X got home from the store, he took her outside to touch it. Then she was just beside herself with delight over the truck, and she was thrilled to show it to Nick once he woke up from his nap.

And my neighbor and I walked our dogs together tonight! Oh my goodness. I think this was the third time I've hung out with a friend alone (without kids) since Sarah was born almost 20 months ago. I think I need to do that much more often.

So, tonight I get my first hCG injection since October 2008. I can't BELIEVE how much less expensive it was to order it through Kubat Pharmacy in Omaha than it was to buy it from a pharmacy in town. Seriously, it was a third the cost at the cheapest of the six places I tried here. Back in 2008 (and 2007, and 2006) our insurance covered it, but now we changed insurance plans, and so I have to pay full price.

Anyway. Enough of my rambling! (Note to self: work on writing skills. It is bad to end posts like this.)

Tired

2011-03-05T21:30:00.000-08:00

That's it. Just tired.

I've been meaning to post all week, but I'm just feeling wiped out!

I need to write some adoption-related posts (timeline and the story of my failed attempt to get a social security card for Nick), but it will have to wait for another day.

But we got a ton done today! I went to a kids' consignment sale at a local church and came home with 30 articles of clothing, two winter coats for next year, two booster seats (for the kitchen), and a big blackboard easel for $61.25. Score! We had a play date with friends we haven't seen in too long. I had a meeting to get up to speed on the lent music at our official parish so that I can start cantoring there again. I went to confession while I was at it. Mr. X and I went to the organizational meeting for a new couples-with-young-kids group at our unofficial parish. And now I will crash!

Recovering from the Weekend

2011-02-28T20:42:00.000-08:00

Oh, man! It's been crazy around here.

After we discovered that spilling mercury is baaaaad (and yeah, I remember playing with mercury as a kid, too!) and that sweeping the floor after a mercury spill is really, really bad (at least we had picked up all the visible mercury at that point!), we all huddled in the kids' room with the door closed. We opened the windows in the main area of the house and checked out clean-up instructions online.

Mr. X pointed out that we have a friend who's an environmental engineer, so we called him. He doesn't work with mercury himself, so he called his boss, who said that we probably should go ahead and follow the online instructions we found (and offered to get us a mercury spill kit and lend us their mercury sensor on Monday if we hadn't put that stuff together before then).

So, we went in search of a spill kit and mercury sensor. Ha! Good luck with that on a weekend!

We packed the kids up in the car. It's not a lot of fun to have two sick kids and to have to stay out of the house. We don't have family in the area that we can foist ourselves on and we didn't want to give our friends' kids the germs (let's face it, I'd share the germs with family, but not friends--though our engineer friend--who is a single guy, and boy, we should find a nice girl for him!--offered to let us stay at his place). So we just drove around trying to get the (sick, hungry, tired) kids to sleep while simultaneously getting the mercury clean-up stuff handled.

Things we learned:
1. Our cell phone provider's information service stinks! They could only find one nonemergency number for a fire station in my area, and that was headquarters. Which is open M-F 8-4:30.
2. Our nearest fire station is "not regularly staffed." Boy, I feel safe!
3. The fire station that was open does not have mercury spill kits or mercury sensors (friend's boss thought they might). They called county haz-mat to see if it was an issue.
4. County haz-mat thought it wasn't that big a deal and recommended cleaning up with ammonia . . . which some of the online instructions said might cause an explosion.
5. If county haz-mat had thought there was enough of a problem to need intervention, they would have sealed our house and called a contractor to deal with it, and we would have been on the hook for the bill for thousands of dollars.
6. The pastries at the fabulous Danish bakery near the fire station do have medicinal properties.
7. Walmart does not carry mercury spill kits.
8. Neither does Ace.
9. Neither does Lowes.

So, after hours in the car (which also included a stop at Rite-Aid to buy a new digital thermometer), we headed home. On our friend's advice, we called the county health department (which the cell provider's information service also could not locate), and they said to keep ventilating and try to get a spill kit. We also talked to chemist we know. Yes, we really are specialists at overkill! But it is pretty freaky when you see warnings about irreversible neurological damage to small children.

Saturday night, Sarah slept very little. On Sunday, we went for a walk to get out of the house. Nick threw up on his coat. We repeated the "drive around and try to get sick kids to nap" routine and kept ventilating the living room.I figured out, based on some of the online instructions, that if we still have any mercury in the cracks between the floorboards, it can't be much more than is in a lightbulb, and they just recommend disposing of the pieces in hazardous waste and then airing the room for 12-24 hours for that. Mr. X and I were finally ready to collapse into bed when we went upstairs and found that Wonderdog had had diarrhea all over her bed and the kitchen floor. As we were finishing cleaning it up, Sarah woke up and threw an hour-long tantrum. The poor little thing was so exhausted she didn't know what she wanted. We finally just brought her into our bed and I nursed her to sleep. It may undo some of our sleep training, but oh well.

Today, I finally found the sulfur powder we needed to clean up the last of the mercury at the local compounding pharmacy. When we got home, Nick napped for 2 1/2 hours, Sarah napped for 4 1/2 hours, I napped for about an hour, and we all felt much better. Mr. X put down the sulfur powder when he got home, and we're going to keep the kids out of the room for a few more days, just to err on the side of extreme caution.

Oh, and Mr. X came home with new batteries for my basal thermometer today. I was glad to see that the package read, "No Mercury"!

Get Rid of Your Mercury Thermometers!!

2011-02-26T19:22:00.000-08:00

Seriously!! This is my public service announcement of the month.

Last night, Mr. X and I were both wiped out. He had a long week at work (and long nights working on the stuff he had to bring home from work), so I had a long week at home. But did we go to bed early? Nooooo. Of course not! We stayed up talking and then I realized it was after 11 and got grumpy, and we finally crashed. At which point, Sarah woke up. She had trouble going back to sleep, so I went in just after midnight and realized she was burning up. We gave her some ibuprofen, Mr. X started walking her, and she threw up all over both of them. (Side note--I would much rather be thrown up on myself in the middle of the night than have a baby throw up on something that requires more complicated cleaning, like the carpet, or their bed, or my bed.) We got everybody cleaned up, made sure she was feeling a little better, gave her some more medicine, and she went to sleep.

So, we were even more zombie-like today. We were having a slow day around the house, and Sarah was feeling pretty crummy. I could locate three thermometers: the digital rectal thermometer (um . . . no, only if it's absolutely necessary), my basal thermometer with the dead battery, and the old mercury thermometer. So I tried to take her temperature with the old standby, she squirmed, it fell on the hardwood floor, and then we had teeny tiny balls of mercury all around.

Mr. X moved the kids into their bedroom, and we opened the windows, got some paper and scooped up the mercury, and threw it away. Then I went in with the kids, who were clamoring for me, and Mr. X continued cleaning up . . . including sweeping the floor. Then he checked online to see if there were any other precautions we should take. And that's when he found this, at which point we pretty much wanted to burn the house down and start over again. I'll tell the rest of the story tomorrow, but if you've got a mercury thermometer, just get rid of it! It's so not worth the hassle!

When will I learn . . .

2011-02-24T13:12:00.000-08:00

. . . that when a kid throws up, he's probably sick? Boy, I feel like a dimwit! But Nick is just so cheerful that he doesn't seem like he feels sick. Yesterday, he woke up from his nap with a 103-degree fever, and when we were putting him to bed, be threw up again. Poor little guy! Mr. X found me a sub (I was supposed to be parent helper for his preschool class this morning) and I took him to the doctor . . . who diagnosed a virus. Darn it, he's just going to have to wait this one out. He cracks me up, though--he keeps referring to throwing up as "tummy spilled," and he was singing and dancing in the doctor's waiting room. Fortunately for my credibility, he still had a fever when they checked him, so they didn't think it was all in my head! We had chicken soup for lunch and then went to pick up Sarah from preschool.

The good thing is that we saw the doctor and I asked him about whether we should wait a while before going back to infertility treatment. He said no (for much of it, anyway), since some of the treatment I had (i.e., hCG and T3) reduces the risk of miscarriage. I'm scared to call the pharmacy about the hCG, because we've changed insurance and will have to pay for it out of pocket. I hear it's become really expensive since I last took it! We are going to wait on ovulation-inducing drugs to see how things level out with the hCG and T3 . . . and also because femara's not recommended while nursing. So, it we have trouble this time, I might need to wean Sarah to take the drugs. It's kind of wild to be back to the treatment stuff!

Potty Quest and Other Bodily Function Information

2011-02-22T21:09:00.000-08:00

So, the replacement potty arrived today! The kids were all excited to open the box. And when they did . . . they weren't sure what it was. Once I said "it's a little potty!" Nick grabbed it and started running toward the bathroom, saying "Bathroom! Bathroom!" and Sarah immediately pulled her pants down as far as she could, shouting "Pants off! Pants off!" Unfortunately, the potty is tiny. I mean, really tiny. It seems more like a doll potty to me, to be honest. And the little "shield" thing would not fulfill its purpose (ahem. Keeping little boys from accidentally peeing on the floor), but would really just serve to slow them down from slipping off the front. Did I mention it's TINY?

So, I had them each try sitting on it (full clothed, in the living room), then explained that we'd have to get one a little bit bigger, but still smaller than the big potty. They were fine with that.

Right now, I am taking a break in the disinfecting process of the hand-me-down potties. Because I am cheap. Right now we're really trying to get out of debt, so we're deep in the D.a.ve Ram.se.y "live like no one else" thing, and, hey, hand-me-down potties are saving me at least $40-60 based on what I saw at B.a.bie.s R U.s last weekend. But I am not only cheap, I am also somewhat germ-phobic, so I put on the rubber gloves and am hitting these suckers with all kinds of bleach. When the neighbor first brought the potties down (along with a ton of nice toys), we had the following conversation about them:

Me: I'm not so sure about the used potties.

Mr. X: Well, if you had a plastic cup that was full of poo, and then you washed it, would you drink out of it?

Me: (brief pause while I wonder if this makes me totally neurotic) No.

Mr. X: Me neither, which is why we're not going to drink out of them.

And now it's back to disinfecting potties, but only after bragging that I think I earned two merit badges today (I originally thought I earned just one, but when I told Mr. X I deserved a merit badge, he thought it was for another incident, so now I think I deserve two). Mr. X thought I deserved one because, five minutes before the babysitter arrived for our spirituality class and twenty minutes before Mr. X got home from work, Nick threw up all of his dinner, and I had him and his high chair cleaned up (with the laundry rinsed and ready to go in the washer) by the time Mr. X walked in. (Nick was fine--I think he just gagged on a piece of food, but the poor little guy was so pitiful because he was really sad about it, and kept saying "clothes all dirty" even though I told him we could wash them and make them all clean.)

I thought I deserved one because I checked on Sarah, who had been napping for fifteen minutes, and discovered that she had a poopy diaper. She's had such awful trouble with diaper rash lately that I didn't want to let her nap with it on, but I wanted her to nap, too. So I changed her out of her pants, onesie, cotton-prefold-with-Snappi-and-velcro-diaper-cover and into a clean disposable diaper (and pants back on again) without waking her up! All right, enough of my bragging. I have potties to sterilize!

Update on sleeping and potty training

2011-02-20T20:07:00.000-08:00

So, the sleeping is (mostly) getting better around here. Thank you so much for your comments on the climbing-out-of-the-crib situation. I have to admit that, so far, bribery is working beautifully. After that first night, the have not once climbed out of bed. Promises of a sticker along with chocolate milk/reading a new library book/watching a 20-minute video for any child (you get the picture) who stays in bed all night or all of naptime have proven irresistible so far. As soon as that fails, I have a few more ideas up my sleeve (probably either the tie-a-sheet-over-the crib solution or the plunge into toddler beds). At least I know that the promise of a sticker is great motivation indeed.

And we're about to embark on the new adventure of potty training. Nick's been talking about it, and I think it's time to take the plunge. I ordered a potty on A.ma.zon, and it arrived yesterday. We made a big deal out of it after naptime, having the kids take turns opening the flaps of the box and pulling out the packing paper inside, until Mr. X pulled out the smaller box containing said potty and curled his lip in disgust.

It was a used potty! Ewwww!

Now, we actually have used potties given to us by our lovely neighbors who have also given us a boatload of their slightly-older children's gently used toys. They didn't have one of the primary design features I was looking for (a shield), so I ordered a new one, too. And I expected to get a new one!

Apparently the potty's original owners opened the packaging, decided to return it to Ama.zo.n, taped it back together, more or less (on one side, the tape is still slit open), applied the return labels, and sent it back. Then A.ma.zon took the box with the return labels still on it, plunked it inside a larger box, and sent it to us! Go Am.azo.n!

And, no, I'm not sure if it was really used. We didn't open the box to find out because, I'm sorry, but even if this thing is sparkling clean, I'll still be convinced it was used and cleaned up before it was sent back. So, we are returning it to Am.azo.n, and I told them why. So we still have no potty, but we do have a large box containing a second-hand potty in the entry way. I wonder if Ama.zo.n will put it in a still-larger box and send it to another buyer! This could get into a disturbing Russian-nesting-doll-type scenario. My advice is this: if you order a potty from A.ma.zon, and it arrives in a refrigerator box, don't open it! Just send it back!

Back again . . .

2011-02-19T20:53:00.000-08:00

. . . in more ways than one. Boy! I guess I really need the every day habit of posting. We had company last week, and since no one but Mr. X knows that I have a blog, it makes it a little bit harder to keep up when we have visitors! So it's back to every day posts for me.

And not only am I back to posting, we're officially back to trying to conceive. The sleep training seems to have done the trick not only in getting everyone more sleep around here, but also in bringing the lactational amenorrhea to an end. It's CD2 right now. And I did drag Nick with me to the dollar store to buy pregnancy tests yesterday (negative, of course) . . . realizing now that it's a good thing he's not old enough to find that embarrassing! I have to say it is an interesting new experience trying to take a dollar-store pregnancy test (which, of course, isn't one of the easy POAS kind, but involves a cup and a dropper) with two toddlers who insist on coming into the bathroom with me. I thought it would be pretty wild if I had a positive, but I had about half a day of spotting, which happened when I was pregnant with Sarah, but doesn't usually happen before a period. So, I figured I'd test.

It feels kind of funny to be back to this, and I'm not sure what to expect. The good news so far is that I don't have cramps and the bleeding is actually red, which are two changes that happened pretty far into the infertility treatment I had. The bad news is that I only had an 11-day post-peak phase. I'm about to look back at my charts (charts! Yikes! I haven't charted in 28 months!) to see what I was taking the cycle Sarah was conceived.

Of course, this time is totally different in that I'm on the other side now. The dream of motherhood has come true. We want more children very much, but we're very conscious of the tremendous gifts we have in Nick and Sarah. So . . . here goes!

Glad I Said the Morning Offering Today

2011-02-09T21:32:00.000-08:00

Let's just leave it at this--my day involved two separate doctor's offices, two pharmacy visits, snow shoveling, and quality time with our plumber. On the up side, our plumbing is now working, we have a path through the snow to the front door, and the kids have only very mild illnesses and are sleeping peacefully after taking their medicine. Nonetheless, I am soooo tired! I'm collapsing into bed as soon as I put the sewage-befouled laundry into the washer.

Mommy's . . . what?

2011-02-08T12:48:00.000-08:00

Oh man. So, one solution to the climbing-out-of-the-crib scenario is lowering the mattress. The bad news is that, since we have them in the lowest position already, there are only a few inches left, and we'd have to re-engineer the cribs. I suppose we could put the mattresses all the way down on the floor inside the crib, but I don't know if that would solve the problem.

So, right now, I'm leaning toward putting the kids in toddler beds ASAP. The good news is that we have these cribs, which are very low to the ground and can be converted to toddler beds very easily (in fact, we had Sarah's in the toddler bed configuration when we had it side-carred to our bed). And, since they're so easy to convert, we can always convert them back to cribs if need be.

Mr. X is at work and I'm not sure where he put the hardware to do the conversion, so for naptime, I just sat nearby with the baby monitors on until they fell asleep, after promising great rewards for staying in bed. I determined that rewards were necessary because Nick put his foot up on the crib rail as I was leaving the room. I determined the nature of these rewards by asking him what he wants to do after his nap. Unfortunately, I had to shoot down the first two requests ("Outside" because we've already been out once to play in the freezing cold--we made snow angels and then pretty much came right back inside; and "ice-cold cocoa," which is the treat the snowmen have in Snowmen at Night, though I don't think Nick knows what that is, because of the stomach bug), so I settled on his third idea, "ricecake" (oh, OK, twist my arm to give the kids something as decadent as a ricecake) with the added bonus of a sticker on his shirt.

So, after jumping up and checking on the kids at the slightest sound, Nick finally settled in to sleep. As I left his room, I could hear Sarah on her monitor (we've given up on joint naps for the time being, and she's in the pack-n-play in our bedroom) saying "Mommy, Mommy." But she was saying it softly, not crying, and she sometimes does that when she's falling asleep. After several times, I went in the room.

She wasn't saying "Mommy, Mommy." She was saying "Mommy's, Mommy's." As in "Mommy's underpants that I'm trying to put on my head." Ah. She finally figured out that she can reach and open my dresser drawers from the playpen.

I guess I'd better find the hardware and tools to do that conversion and prepare for a rough couple of days until they settle in!

Oh, help!

2011-02-07T20:12:00.001-08:00

Oh. My. Goodness. Bedtime tonight has been a total fiasco. We tucked the kids in at 7:30. They were really rambunctious, and as we did the dishes, we listen to them carrying on on the monitor.

At 7:50, I went in to put the kibosh on the revelry. They both had messy poopy diapers (we have a bit of a stomach bug going on around here), so that took a little while and necessitated a change of pjs. We tucked them back in, and Mr. X went to walk Wonderdog as Nick started jumping in his crib (again! After he bumped his nose so hard we were afraid he had broken it last night). I gave him a stern "No jumping!" and he stopped. Then Sarah started, and before I could even finish saying "No jumping," she hit her chin on the crib rail, and her front teeth cut into her bottom lip. I carried her into the bedroom, cleaned up the blood, and gave her a cold washcloth to suck on. Nick requested the blankets, pillow, and animals he had thrown on the floor, so I told him I'd give them to him if he was lying down. I got the kids tucked back in and left again.

About 30 seconds later, Nick was screaming, and when I went back in, he was crying for the teddy bear he'd thrown on the floor. Once he was lying down, I gave him the bear and left again.

By now it was 8:12. Things quieted down as they started to settle. Mr. X got home at 8:30, and I was just telling him about Sarah's cut lip when we heard Nick start laughing really hard. Then we heard him giggling, "Open door!" and rattling the doorknob! We ran to the bedroom and then waited for a minute, trying to control ourselves so we wouldn't laugh in front of the kids. We opened the door to find not just Nick, but Sarah, too, standing proudly on the other side of the door. They both climbed out of their cribs! Mr. X made a big deal out of checking them for injuries and putting ice on the (mostly imaginary) bumps on their heads to try to reinforce the idea that climbing out of the crib is dangerous. We tucked them back in, moved anything hard or sharp a safe distance away from the cribs, and left. Mr. X went downstairs to catch up on some work, and I started looking up crib tents online.

I was in the middle of writing this post at 9:12 when I heard "Mommy! Mommy!" and the doorknob rattled again! This time it was just Nick, and he was holding his left arm. We checked out the arm (it's fine), threatened loss of major privileges (We won't visit the snowman in the front yard tomorrow! No educational-video-that-supposedly-teaches-babies-to-read tomorrow!) if they do it again, and now they're trying to sleep.

Oops! I spoke too soon. Sarah started crying really hard, and, given that she's chewing on her fingers and bashed her lip pretty well earlier, we gave her some ibuprofen and gave Nick some juice in a medicine cup. (I promise they're usually better behaved and we're not usually such pushovers, but they're both sick right now.) Finally at 10:00 they seem to be asleep.

Oh, help! We just moved them into the same room a week ago, and they've already taught each other how to escape their cribs! The cribs convert to toddler beds really easily, but I'm not so sure we're ready to have them wandering their room at night at 18 months and 30 months old. The crib tent idea sounds good, but from what I've read, they tend to be expensive, poorly made, and dangerous. Does anyone have any advice, please?

19 Posts

2011-02-05T22:15:00.000-08:00

Woohoo! It's only February 5th, and I've already posted more this year than I did last year.

I'm feeling sluglike. Let's see . . . I put away about four baskets of laundry this morning, took the kids shopping (totally annoying trip--realized once I had the kids buckled into the cart at Co.st.co that I didn't have cash or a check, my debit card doesn't work at Co.s.t.co, and my debit card is brand new and I wasn't sure if I knew the new PIN number for the ATM. I didn't. So after messing with the ATM for ages and calling Mr. X, who tried to find the PIN number, I went back to the car. I realized that Nick has a dirty diaper. I got Sarah into the car and set up the changing pad in the back of the van, but when I took off his diaper, it was dry. So I put Nick in his seat, drove to the bank, went through the teller lane, got money, went back, did the shopping, then lost my C.ost.co membership card somehow while I was shopping. It took forever!), came home, changed diapers, fed the kids, put them down for their naps, took a bit of a break while they slept, got myself ready for mass, woke Sarah and dressed her while Mr. X got Nick ready, went to mass, came home. Then we ate, bathed the kids, put them to bed, did the dishes, went in to change Sarah's dirty diaper, cleaned up the sugar bowl Mr. X accidentally broke in the kitchen . . . and now we've been pretty much vegging out. Oh well.

When I write it out, I think I got a fair amount done, but I'm still aggravated that I didn't do more. I heard K.imb.erly Ha.hn speak recently, and she talked about how there's not enough time to do our own will for the day, but enough time to do God's will. Hmm. That would probably not leave me so frustrated with myself, either. And would have the added bonus of, you know, doing God's will and all. Maybe I should give it a shot :)

Good Morning, Mary!

2011-02-04T21:50:00.000-08:00

This morning, we took the kids to daily mass. We went to a parish we don't normally attend (because it has an 8:30, and we were running late for the 8:00 at our regular parishes), and when we made it up the walk to the front door, Sarah saw the statue of the Blessed Mother right next to the door in front of the bushes. The statue was just about her height, and when she saw it, she said "Mary!" and ran to hug her. And I thought it was the most precious thing and was so happy that at 18 months she already has a love for Mary and wished I had a camera . . .

. . . and then she said "Mary! Hug!" and did it again. And then Nick, standing next to her, said "Mary! Hug!" and hugged her. And Nick and the statue toppled over into the snowy bushes.

Oops.

Fortunately, the statue wasn't broken, and Nick just got a little bit snowy. And no one else was there to see it!

Self-hatred = Bad thing

2011-02-03T20:56:00.000-08:00

Darn it, I missed posting yesterday! So, to make up for missing a day, I'll try posting on something a little deeper today.

I had really gotten away from posting here for a couple of reasons. Of course, things have been really busy. But, more than that, I think I'm feeling ambivalent about a lot of things.

I have been feeling like I'm not good enough. You know the kind of thing (maybe? I hope?)--the house is a disaster, so I'll just wait another week or two to invite friends over, because I want it to be nice when they come over . . . so that day never comes. I want to get some funding proposals done to make my life at work better so that maybe I can eventually even cut back work dramatically for a while until the kids are older . . . but I don't want to call the woman at the funding source until I have the idea just right.

I'm not sure where I fit. I started this blog to have a place to (a) talk about infertility and (b) share my story of using NaPro (because when I started there wasn't this wealth of great blogs about it like there are now). So . . . where do I fit now? I feel in-between as a mom, too. I had managed to compartmentalize a lot of things into the "I'll think about that when I actually have to deal with it" category. Like when a friend challenged me in college about Church teaching on contraception, and I said I'd think about that more when it became an actual practical issue for me (not my finest hour as a Catholic, but I've come a little way since then). And, more to the point right now, I had this dream of being a stay-at-home mom and a dream of having an interesting career . . . And since the kids didn't come along until I was 35, I just kept on going on the career, not feeling too pressing a need to reconcile that contradiction. So, now, I feel guilty for the time I don't spend with my kids. And guilty (though, let's face it, not as much) and fearful about work--if I don't do a spectacular job on this or that task, will people assume it's because of the kids? Am I cheating my employer if I don't give the absolute best I've got all the time? And I feel less than the stay-at-home moms I know, especially the ones who are already planning to homeschool their toddlers when the time comes. I feel like I haven't prioritized my family like they have, so they must think less of me. And I feel less than the working moms who don't have the flexibility that I do with my hours and time off. I feel like they must think less of me because I should be grateful for the flexibility I have instead of resenting the time and attention diverted from my family.

And I get so mad at myself for not doing more. For getting distracted. For being tired and lonely enough that, when I do have some time to get things done, I end up goofing off online instead of catching up on work or on laundry or on Christmas cards (for real! They really are Valentines now) or finally posting that stuff I have to sell on e-bay so I can get it out of my family room and throw a party without being totally embarrassed--or just calling a friend (or someone who might be a friend if I ever called them) already!

So. That's why I haven't been posting. And the spiritual formation class and my improved (though still wimpy) prayer life are really helping. The priest who's teaching the class talked about penance vs. self-hatred (penance--good; self-hatred--bad (that's a joke--he said incredibly insightful things about both, but, you know, one is good when it's used properly, and the other's always bad)). I've had some wonderful experiences in prayer that make me feel like I'm starting to get this Relationship with Jesus thing that has always felt just out of my grasp in the past. This is all starting to answer the questions of where I fit and what I should be and what I should do, both with my life and with those few minutes I get to myself. But those are really big questions, too, and it's easy to get discouraged when I fall behind at work and the kids just won't nap and there's a mountain of laundry to do. So it's a work in progress. And I think one big step for me is to just be real and let others see me where I am instead of waiting till I'm finished.

Random Tip of the Day

2011-02-01T21:27:00.001-08:00

If you make homemade play dough for your kids because you can't leave the house, wear gloves so it won't suck all the moisture out of your hands! I'm off to put on more hand lotion.

Wish Me Luck

2011-01-31T20:31:00.000-08:00

It's crazy cold here. OK, I do recognize that's a relative claim, and highs below zero were not unheard of where I grew up, but I think it's the first time it's happened in the eight years I've lived here.

So, anyway, I took the kids outside to run around in the snow for about 20 minutes before lunch, and after that it was too cold to play outside. And preschool's canceled tomorrow, and we'll definitely not be leaving the house. If I can't take the kids outside to play on a given day, I try to at least take them somewhere where they'll see or do interesting things (this, too, is relative, since running errands can qualify). But it looks like neither one will be an option tomorrow. So wish me luck in keeping the kids entertained tomorrow!

The Big Move

2011-01-30T21:48:00.000-08:00

We did it! We moved Sarah into Nick's room today.

Nick was so excited, and as soon as we had her crib put together, he threw in a pillow and then emptied the stuffed animal shelf into the crib for her. As we were listening to their looong attempt at taking a nap, we could hear him over the monitor saying "Sarah's bed right here! Nick's bed! Sarah's bed! Nick's bed!"

We decided to start with naptime, which was a bit disastrous, but I'd rather have a disastrous naptime than a disastrous bedtime. After almost two hours (and several visits from me and Mr. X to say "No jumping in the beds! Time to lie down!") Sarah conked out, and then Nicholas fell asleep about half an hour later. Ten minutes after that, Sarah woke up, and then I went back and woke Nicholas up twenty minutes later so he wouldn't sleep too late.

But at bedtime, I tucked them both in and walked out of the room at 7:20. Mr. X went back in five minutes later when they both cried, but he was able to reassure them and was only there about a minute. By 7:26 they were both quiet, and I heard one last little whimper from Sarah at 7:34. I can't believe it!

Making Friends

2011-01-29T21:21:00.000-08:00

Why is making friends so hard as an adult? I went to a women's one-day retreat at church today. I was excited to go, but I just hate going alone. I only knew for sure that one newish friend of mine would be there. But--and this is my goofy shyness talking--I knew that she would know a ton of people there and I didn't want to be the clingy, needy friend. It feels like when I was in junior high and got to be friends with a popular girl in art class but then couldn't hang out with her on the playground. (Totally my issue--she's a good friend, but I'm just weird about it!)

So, I walked in, expecting the room to be set up in rows of chairs, but instead there were tables, which just seemed so much more intimidating to me. And most of the tables were full. I was hoping that two women I know a bit from church (they're sisters with kids the same age as mine) would be there, so I looked for them a bit. I didn't see them, so I decided to get a bagel from the breakfast table first to stall before sitting down. I felt like a dork looking around the room, so then I decided to walk through the tables for a minute and look a little more for anyone I knew.

Then the organizer (whom I also know slightly) saw me and said, "Oh, I'll make an announcement for people to raise their hands if there's room at their table." So then I was embarrassed. I said a quick prayer and told myself to just bite the bullet and sit down. The organizer made the announcement, and I saw my friend raise her hand. I decided to stop being stupid about it and just go sit with her. But then I passed the table next to her and there were two women sitting there alone and I felt like maybe it would be rude to walk by them and go sit at my friend's table. Gee, overanalyzing much? So I sat with them. And it was awkward. I got back up and went to get a cup of tea, at which point I saw the two sisters sitting across the room. Argh! So I went back to my awkward table.

And slowly our table filled up. And the talks were good, and during lunch I had a nice conversation with the two women next to me. One of them is new in town and expecting her first baby. We were the only ones who stayed for the Q&A at the end, and I sucked up my courage and told her I'm thinking of getting together with some other moms of young kids (which I am), so we exchanged numbers. And afterward, I talked to my friend and her husband and they invited us to a party they're having. And I found the sisters and chatted with them too. So, overall, it was a great day for me on a lot of fronts. I wish I wasn't so paralyzed by shyness, but I'm trying to be a big girl and force myself to take the first steps. I wish it didn't make me feel like I'm back in the lunch room, stepping out of line with my tray and facing the long rows of tables, hoping to find someone who will eat with me!

Bathtime

2011-01-28T21:14:00.000-08:00

Tonight in the bath, Nicholas lined up all his Little People on the side of the tub. Then he took them down, said to me "Pushin' me. Kids. Time out." and put them facedown on the other side of the tub. Hmm. Maybe the discipline is starting to sink in. (Though, for the record, I don't put him facedown when he has a time out. I presume that was the Little-People-in-a-tub version of sitting on a chair.)

I've Got Nothin'

2011-01-27T21:39:00.000-08:00

My mind is a blank! But I said I'd post every day for a month to get back in the habit, and I don't have time to write anything big . . .

Oh! So I took the kids for flu shots yesterday. I took them to a different HMO location than we usually go to (which is also different from our usual NaPro family doctor, who's out of network). It was nuts! I got one, too, and it was kind of hilarious. I went first, and it freaked Sarah out to see me get a shot. Then Nick got the flu mist, which he thought was really weird, and he protested quite a bit and then seemed really surprised and confused once it was done. Sarah went last, and the poor little thing tensed her leg before the shot, and the nurse kept going on about how strong her legs were.

I always get really sore from the shot--my arm seems to hurt forever! But today I also have body aches like the actual flu. I looked up side effects online, and that seems to be a common one (I had to look it up online because they actually didn't give me the literature on it, and I'm one of those people who reads every word of the warnings. I only realized it as I was walking out the door with the kids, and there was no way I was going back in to get it. So, anyway, I'll blame my lack of brainpower today on that and call it a night!

She Did It!

2011-01-26T21:08:00.000-08:00

Hallelujah! Tonight was Night 13 of sleep training, the first night of tucking Sarah in and leaving the room. She did great! For the first time in the whole 13 nights, she was asleep before 8:00--and for the first time ever, we put her to bed and she fell asleep in her crib, by herself! Hooray!

Sleepy Post

2011-01-25T22:15:00.000-08:00

I had spiritual formation class tonight. Man, it rocks! I finally feel like I understand what people say when they talk about having a personal relationship with God. So, I'm working on it . . . slowly, but (with the help of the Holy Spirit, of course) I'm working on it.

At our class last week, we received copies of the personal revelations to Catalina Rivas about the mass (you can find it here if you click the "View PDF" link under The Holy Mass). I've started reading it, but haven't finished yet. It's pretty amazing so far, though.

OK, that's it for tonight!

Just in case . . .

2011-01-24T21:31:00.000-08:00

Today was Sarah's 18-month check-up. She did really well. She's still in about the 80th percentile for height, which clearly comes from Mr. X, because I'm 5'2". The assistant took her temperature, and when she (the assistant) said "thermometer," Sarah repeated it--not very clearly, but we all understood her. Apparently, she told everyone in the office, because when the PA came in, he had the following conversation with Sarah:

PA: So, I heard you said thermometer!
Sarah: Yeah.
PA: Did you say thermometer?
Sarah: Yeah.
PA: Can you say thermometer?
Sarah: Yeah.
PA: Can you say thermometer again now?
Sarah: Yeah.

And that was all she would say about that.

Tonight, I read Nicholas one of his favorite books, Goodnight Goon, as a bedtime story. It's a parody of Goodnight Moon (we actually sent him that book, along with video and audio recordings of us reading it, in a care package while we were waiting for the adoption to go through) with monsters. Our friends sent Goodnight Goon for Halloween, and it became an instant favorite. And just in case I'm ever feeling vain, I can just pull that book out, because both kids almost always point to Frankenstein's monster and say "Mommy!"

The Couch is Getting Old

2011-01-23T21:19:00.000-08:00

The sleep training is going well, thank God! But I want my bed back! Today, I was folding laundry on the bed (since we're not sleeping in the bed while we do Sarah's sleep training, the bed was actually made for a change!) and first Sarah wanted to sit on my lap and nurse, then Nick wanted to climb up and play, and then Mr. X came in and joined us, so we all lay on the bed for a few minutes. The couch is getting old! I have actually been sleeping on the guest bed the last two nights, because Mr. X has taken the night wakings for the weekend.

But even though I'm a little bit sad about not having Sarah cuddling with me at night, it will be really nice to have our bedroom back again! The plan right now it so finish up the sleep training (right now, whichever of us is putting her to sleep--usually me at naptime and Mr. X at bedtime) is sitting right outside the door, with the door open so she can see us, until she falls asleep. After two more nights of that, we'll start tucking her in and then leaving the room and checking on her every 5 or 10 minutes until she falls asleep. And if that goes well, then after three nights we'll move her crib into Nick's room and reclaim our bedroom! I can't wait!

Company

2011-01-22T21:24:00.000-08:00

We had friends over for dinner tonight. It was the typical scenario. We woke up, figured out shopping lists, got ourselves all stressed out, and spent the morning running all the errands. I got the kids down for their naps, at which point Mr. X got back from his half of the errands. We started in on the cooking, got the kids up from naps and let them watch the new Thomas the Tank Engine DVD we got from the library this morning while we did the panicked cleaning. By the time our friends arrived, the house was not totally embarrassing, the dinner was just about ready, and we were exhausted!

I'm glad we did it, though. It's so nice to get to spend some time with friends. We had a nice time, we've got lots of leftovers in the fridge, and the house will be in much better shape for relaxing tomorrow. Now I'm going to go collapse!

Indispensable Baby Stuff

2011-01-21T22:33:00.000-08:00

I've been buying baby shower gifts lately, which has me thinking about what baby items I think are fantastic.

I'm getting everyone I know the DVD of the Happiest Baby on the Block. Oh my goodness, this saved our lives. I never would have thought to turn on the hairdryer to calm a newborn, but it worked! (But not as immediately as the "womb noises" sound tracks on the DVD!)

I've also been buying swaddlers (this was our favorite, though if we're blessed with another baby, I want to try this one and this one, too). We swaddled Sarah for a looong time.

Speaking of swaddling, it was so frustrating to try to swaddle a baby in a standard size receiving blanket! Sarah is tall, but I think it would be hard even with a shorter baby, especially once the baby starts to grow. If we have another, I might just make my own.

We borrowed a swing and a co-sleeper, both of which were great, and I shudder to think what I would have done without a swing. Given that we immediately (well, once she was four weeks old, but close enough!) had a second, older child, having a place where I could put Sarah down and she would be happy for a little while was wonderful, especially since she would only sleep on me or in the swing for quite a while.

Hmm. That's all for now. We just got our first wool diaper cover (my mother-in-law bought it for us), and I'm really curious to see how it works. For now, I've got to sleep. Last night was really windy, which disturbed the kids, and I went in to Sarah three times and Nick twice between 3:15 and 6:00 this morning, so I'm beat!

My Baby's Growing Up

2011-01-20T21:43:00.000-08:00

I've sung Sarah the same two songs while I'm nursing her every night. Tonight, I sat down with her in the rocking chair and started singing. While nursing, she starting making little "mm-mm" sounds of protest. Finally, she pulled off, looked at me, and said "ABC song." So I sang her the alphabet song. She sang along for a while, and then nursed some more. When I was done, I asked if she had any other requests. She said "happy song." It took me a minute to realize she meant "Happy Birthday." So, I sang "Happy Birthday" to Sarah, Nicholas, and Grandpa at her request. I don't know why it struck me so funny, but it cracked me up to have this little person nursing and throwing out song requests at bedtime.

Last night, she slept just as well as the night before, so we'll see how tonight goes!

Peaceful Night

2011-01-19T20:33:00.000-08:00

Last night was night 5 of the sleep training with Sarah. In our spiritual formation class last night (Mr. X stayed home to put her to bed, and our babysitter came and helped with Nicholas), I was reminded that we need to ask in order to receive, and so I prayed specifically for a peaceful night's sleep for all of us. This might sound odd, but I also heard from someone I know slightly that she had been told that one of the ways Satan works against parents is through lack of sleep, so I said a spiritual warfare prayer, too. And she slept through the night! She made noises a couple of times, though once I could tell they weren't waking noises, and the second time I went in and rubbed her back, but she was actually asleep. She woke up and called me at 7:00, and when I walked in, she smiled, waved, and said "Hi Mommy!" Thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus!

Pretending

2011-01-18T21:01:00.000-08:00

Shortly before Christmas, I went to pick up Nick from preschool, and his teacher said, "Are you, by any chance, Catholic?" I said, "Yeeessss . . . what did he do?" It turns out he had been walking around the room, holding a book over his head and singing "Alleluia." And it turns out both his teachers are Catholic and finally figured out what he's doing!

One of Nick's favorite things to do is to play priest. He started out pretty simply, late this summer, singing "Alleluia"--interestingly, he sings the "Celtic Alleluia" beautifully, even though the parish we're currently attending doesn't use that setting. Then, one day, Mr. X draped a blanket around Nick's shoulders. Nick looked at it, then folded his hands and started slowly walking around, singing "Alleluia."

At this point, he sings the Alleluia, Amen, parts of the Sanctus and Gloria, and the Memorial Acclamation. He'll hold processions carrying a book over his head, a block or stick (which, he will tell me, is a candle or a cross), or his sippie cup. Sometimes, he convinces Sarah to join in, and she either holds a book and sings Alleluia or folds her hangs and sings Amen. He turns over boxes to make an altar, and then he'll put blocks (as candles), cups, and books on top. Sometimes he kneels in front of the altar. He shakes hands and says "peace-a-lou." In the past week, every once in a while, he'll say "Jesus Christ. Lamb of God. Take away sins of the world." He'll lean over to me at dinner and hand me a little piece of food (usually a pea) and whisper, and I finally realized a couple of weeks ago that he's whispering "Body Christ." But probably the most entertaining instance happened last week when he was standing in front of his "altar," chanting, and I was talking to Sarah. He stopped, looked at me, and said "Shh. Priest talk."

So, I think I'll choose to interpret the incident this morning, when he figured out how to open his sippie cup and ran through the kitchen, living room, and hallway splattering apple juice everywhere, as his version of a sprinkling rite. If only he had really had holy water, I wouldn't have had to wipe the floor down twice!

Let's Give This a Try . . .

2011-01-17T21:46:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am again. The goal this time is to post something, ANYTHING, every day for a month and then re-evaluate. I'll try for something a bit deeper later this week (maybe about why I haven't been posting, ha!), but for now . . .

I'm on a second maternity leave (the complicated policy at work meant that I could take one maternity leave when Sarah was born but couldn't take leave for Nick's adoption till now), hooray!

I'm feeling proud of myself because today we made it to daily mass (well, communion service), I got the kids to the park, I baked two dozen cupcakes from scratch for Sarah's preschool class tomorrow (with real buttercream frosting, thankyouverymuch), both kids napped, I vacuumed our disgustingly dirty carpets, I threw the dogs disgustingly dirty bed in the washer, and I caught up on dishes. Unfortunately, I forgot to wash any of my own pants, so I'll be wearing slightly dirty dress pants to be the parent helper in Sarah's class tomorrow. I am, however, feeling like a slug because I still have I-shudder-to-think-how-many Christmas cards sitting downstairs waiting to be sent. These are cards with this year's picture AND last year's BABY ANNOUNCEMENTS inside them. They WILL be sent, even if I end up writing "consider this a Valentine" on the envelopes.

We're on night four of sleep training for Sarah. Why, oh why did I wait till she was almost 18 months old??? The first night was pretty rough, but since then she hasn't cried at bedtime or naptime or night wakings for more than a minute or two at a time. We're using The Sleep Lady's Good Night, Sleep Tight, which Jennifer at Conversion Diary recommended. The first three nights, you (Mr. X in our case) sit beside the crib until the baby's asleep, then over the following days you move further away. She's doing so great. Of course, her crib is still in our room, and we thought it would be lunacy for us to try to do this while we're sleeping in there, too, so we're sleeping on couches for the time being, but the end is in sight. I think we'll finally be able to move both kids into the same room soon.

Speaking of which, I should jump ~~into bed~~ onto the couch since I am on duty for night wakings. There have been none so far tonight, but who knows what's in store.

Coming up for air

2010-11-10T12:40:00.000-08:00

It's been a rocky few days around here, but last night was an improvement, thank God! We made it through those first few nights of "nurse briefly, put the baby down awake," and then moved on to the "pick up and comfort the baby, but don't nurse." We were so exhausted by that point that we slowly worked up to doing the "no nursing" for seven hours over a few days. And then we hit the time change. And then Mr. X went out of town.

Mr. X left on his business trip on Sunday. On Sunday night, we had cheese ravioli for dinner. Nick loooves cheese ravioli. He kept asking for more, and since I had taken the kids for a loooong walk before dinner (because it was fun, and also in hopes that the exercise would help them sleep) I thought he had just worked up a really good appetite. I had the kids in bed and asleep by 8:30. Sarah woke up at 10:30 and I got to bed myself around 11:00. I had a really hard time falling asleep, as I always do when Mr. X is gone--I just feel so "on" and worried about taking care of both kids overnight. But I fell asleep, and woke up to Nick crying really hard just before 1:00. I went in the room, and he had thrown up all that cheese ravioli. He wanted out of the crib (no kidding!), and then seemed fine. I asked him if he felt OK, and he said "OK." Evidently, he just ate too much. It took about an hour to get him cleaned up and the sheets changed and room aired and settle him back in to sleep. Thank God, Sarah didn't wake up! But then she woke up at 3:30 and 4:30 and 6:00. On Monday night, I got the kids to bed pretty early, but there were many wakeups, I stayed up late working till after midnight, and they woke up for good at 6:30. So I took them to daily mass with friends, which was great, and then I planned on napping with them in the afternoon. But they didn't nap. I just about lost it! But I got them up and they were good as gold while I finished up the work I had to get done. Then our babysitter came, I went to my spiritual formation class, and she had them asleep by 7:30. And Sarah slept for eight hours! And Nick slept all night! And they both woke up at 7:30 this morning! So life is looking pretty great right now. Just two more nights till Mr. X gets home!

Night Weaning: The Saga Continues

2010-11-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

Oh, the drama! So, we've got two nights of night weaning behind us now. It's going OK. I'm so relieved that Sarah seems her usual happy self, so I don't think she's scarred for life yet! The system we're using has three stages. In Stage 1 (the first three nights), when the baby wakes up, you nurse briefly, then put the baby down awake and comfort her till she's asleep. You only do this for a seven-hour block, and outside of those seven hours, you can nurse or do whatever. So, we're working on night weaning from 10:30 to 5:30. Here's how night 1 went:

12:28 Sarah woke up. I nursed her for a couple of minutes, unlatched her, talked to and cuddled her while she cried for--honestly--one minute and then fell asleep. Score! Put her in the crib next to the bed and went back to sleep.
12:40 Sarah woke up. I nursed her for a minute, told her "we nurse in the daytime, we sleep in the nighttime" and that we'd cuddle and sleep. She fell asleep without crying. Yay! Put her in the crib.
12:52 Sarah woke up. Hmm. She said "nurse." I said we'll nurse for a minute and she said "minute" in a sad little voice. After a minute, I said "all done," and she stopped nursing, cried for a minute, and went to sleep.

She woke up four more times before 2am. She never cried for more than a minute, and she talked to me a lot like this:

Sarah: Nurse!
Me: OK, sweetheart, we'll nurse for a minute. [Nursing.] OK, sweetheart, all done, time to cuddle and sleep.
Sarah: Nurse!
Me: No, sweetheart, it's nighttime. It's time to cuddle and sleep. Do you want to cuddle with Daddy?
Sarah: No.
Me: Do you want to cuddle with Mama?
Sarah: No. Yes.

At 2:00, I got up to go to the bathroom and Mr. X walked her around. While I was in the bathroom Nick woke up and started crying. I went back to the bedroom, Mr. X handed Sarah to me, and she quickly fell asleep while he went in to Nick. I put Sarah down in the crib. Mr. X then was in and out of Nick's room for about an hour and a half while he cried. At 4:30, Sarah woke up again, nursed for a minute, then slept, and I put her in the crib. She woke up again at 5:50 and I brought her into bed, and she nursed and slept till the babysitter rang the doorbell at 8:45.

Last night, Mr. X and I were both totally exhausted. Sarah woke up once at about 1:30, we nursed for a minute, she fell asleep, and I put her in the crib. She woke up again about 15 minutes later. I nursed her, then thought it might be good if Mr. X tried cuddling her so she'll get more used to him comforting her at night. I nudged him and asked him if he would cuddle her. Still mostly asleep, he said, "No, I'll do it tomorrow." Huh. I said, "You'll do it tomorrow?" He said, "Later tonight. Later tonight." I debated saying: "Let me rephrase that: Your turn!" but by that point, she was almost asleep, and I figured I'd let him take the next turn 10 minutes later. He said, "It's really hot in here, isn't it?" (We have a terrible time regulating temperature in our house.) He got up and opened the window.

We all fell asleep. Next thing I knew, I woke up at 4:00, with my legs (which were uncovered) freezing and Sarah nursing! I could have sworn I had buttoned my nightgown, but the top couple of buttons were unbuttoned. She definitely didn't make any noise when she woke up, and I have no idea if she had been nursing for 2 minutes or an hour. I unlatched her, she stayed asleep, and I put her in the crib. Mr. X got up and closed the window. Sarah didn't wake up again until 5:44.

So, Mr. X and I are both working at home today, and we've been cracking up at his "I'll do it tomorrow" line (he didn't remember doing it until I reminded him, at which point he apologized profusely and promised to be on duty tonight) and at Sarah's stealth nursing. Maybe she's learning "If I wake mom up, she'll nurse me for a minute, but if I don't wake her up, I can nurse all I want!"

Anyone still there?

2010-10-31T21:17:00.001-07:00

Argh--more than two months since I last posted . . . I've logged on a lot, but was never sure what to say. Not that there's any big news to post! I've been back at work for a couple of months, and that always gets me down. I feel like I should be home with the kids, even though that's not possible for us right now. It makes me kind of feel like a failure. It's probably just trying to keep up with everything (work, kids, house, etc.) that's getting to me, on top of missing the kids. We're taking a spiritual formation class, which is amazing, and we're really working on figuring out where God wants us to go with our lives, so I'm hopeful. Maybe being home full time will never be possible for me, but I hope we'll figure out where God wants me to be and then make that happen.

So, tonight we start night-weaning Sarah. We said a novena to St. Jude a couple of weeks ago, after reading this post. On the fifth night, she slept for eight hours straight--longer than she has slept in her entire life! (She slept for seven hours once when she was about a week old, and since then, the longest stretch has been five hours.) The next day, she developed a fever due to teething (darn eye teeth!), and she's been having a rough time until the last day or so. I go on a business trip in just under two weeks, so we're giving this a shot. It's about the gentlest system I've come across. But I'm worried that she'll be hurt and that our relationship will be changed permanently. Am I nuts? She's 15 months old, and I just really need some sleep.

Anyway. Let's see if I can start posting here again--I think it would probably be good if I put some of my thoughts into words . . .

One Year Ago Today . . .

2010-08-21T20:45:00.001-07:00

. . . we brought Nicholas home. He was 13 days past his first birthday. Because Sarah was only 4 weeks old, he seemed like such a big boy, but when I look at his pictures, I see what a baby he was. Because they are only a year apart in age, I look at Sarah now and think about what it must have been like for Nick. Sure, she can only say a few words, but she understands so much more. She can point to her nose, her toes, and sometimes her ear if we ask her. She can find her doll or her lamb, she can gesture when she hears songs she knows, she can follow a simple instruction. What would it be like if she were suddenly plunged into a world where everyone spoke only Korean to her? And language is just the tip of the iceberg. I can't bear to think about what it would be like if she were to become someone else's daughter.

So, while I'm thrilled that we've had this year with Nicholas, I also think about what he went through when he came to us a year ago. In the last year, he has learned a new language (and seems to be meeting all the linguistic milestones on time, amazingly enough), become part of a new family, been baptized into a new church, and adjusted to a new climate, a new time zone (with days and nights reversed), a new diet . . . and more adjustments than I'll ever know.

Thank God he's such a sweet, happy boy! Today, we went to mass and out to dinner with the priest afterward. He was a riot. He chimed in on the conversation a couple of times when he heard words he likes to say. He waved to other people in the restaurant. When it was time to go, he insisted on giving me, Mr. X, and our priest all high fives and fist bumps (he holds out his fist and says "bump" which cracks me up). We're going to the aquarium tomorrow to celebrate this anniversary.

So, I thank God for Nicholas, for the foster family who raised him for his first year with such great love (we keep in touch and plan to visit), and for the birth parents who must wonder about him. I pray for the grace to be the mother that God would want him to have.

Nicholas' Second Year

2010-08-21T00:23:00.000-07:00

12 Months

13 Months

14 Months

15 Months

16 Months

17 Months

18 Months

19 Months

20 Months

21 Months

22 Months

23 Months

2 Years Old!

New treatment

2010-08-19T21:29:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post to say I started taking hydrocortisone for adrenal fatigue today. Dr. H diagnosed me with moderate adrenal fatigue just as I found out I was pregnant with Sarah, so I never started treatment. I've been hounding several of my family members to get tested for it, so, while I was at it, I asked about being treated myself. I've taken two doses so far. For those of you who are on this treatment, did it work for you right away? I feel so much better already. Is that weird?

Fingertips

2010-08-17T13:43:00.000-07:00

So, for . . . oh, I don't know, the last year-ish or so . . . I've been feeling like I'm just barely hanging on by my fingernails. I'm trying to focus on the positive, but between kids, work, finances, the house (oh, the house!), and all the little obligations (don't get me started on thank-you notes), it's really hard to feel even marginally competent.

Summer is rapidly winding down--but there are still a couple of weeks, I tell you!--and I'm trying to at least to where I feel like I've advanced from fingernails to fingertips.

So, as of today, the kids can play downstairs! Oh, you have no idea. We have a bi-level (or a raised ranch, as we called it where I grew up). For the last year, we have lived almost exclusively in the upstairs. The downstairs has been reserved for guests (the guest room), work (on top of piles of paper in the office or on top of piles of junk in the family room), laundry, and late-night Ne.t.f.lix viewing or work on finances. We had one little oasis of a five-foot diameter play yard, which the kids hated unless one of us was in there with them. And as of now, it is babyproofed enough that I can bring the kids down and they can play while I fold laundry, do some work, whatever. Hallelujah!

And another thing! We started D.a.ve R.ams.ey on Christmas Eve this past year. And thank God we did! We started using a budget (we are AWFUL at it, but we're doing our best) just when Mr. X's business started slowing down. We cut back our spending, and we're continuing to try to cut whatever we can. Our intent was to pay off our debts, but between slower work and even slower payment from clients, we haven't made much of a dent. But--and this is important--we're doing fine financially, because we started paying attention. If we hadn't been paying attention, we could have gotten into a bit of a mess here. It's also giving me hope about the whole work situation because, for the first time in a long time, we know how much we're spending on what. Once we figure out how much we can cut our expenses, we'll have a much better idea of how much income we actually need . . . and whether I can cut back on work at all to spend more time with the kids. I feel like I have to say that it's not as though we spent money wantonly in the past. Our big area of frivolous expense was eating out. And now we don't :)

I'm so behind with the blog. Nicholas had a birthday, too, but I was weirdly sick on his birthday (woke up in the middle of the night with severe vertigo that gave me motion sickness), so I still haven't finished the photo post for his birthday. I may end up posting it for his adoption anniversary (Friday! Already!) instead. And now, I'd better get back to the little bit of work I'm trying to finish up during the simultaneous nap so that I can keep what momentum I have going.

Too funny not to share Edited

2010-07-26T21:06:00.000-07:00

UPDATED TO ADD: Hmm. I just read my own post. I really like the quick takes posts, but all my posts read like quick takes, minus the bullet points. Welcome to my stream of consciousness!
******************************************************************************************

I came across this blog post today, and considering the state of sleep around here and the fact that I threw Nicholas' dirty socks in the kitchen garbage today, I just had to post a link to it here. It made me laugh really hard. Sarah's sleeping is getting better. Under the category of "totally obvious" we have the fact that the swamp cooler (yes, we live in a climate dry enough that we add humidity to the air to cool the house--a totally foreign concept to this girl from the humid Midwest) was (a) making a lot of noise, and (b) blowing right on her when it kicked on at night. By turning off the swamp cooler at night, we've reduced the night wakings significantly, but we've also increased the temperature significantly. We're still working that one out. Last night, she fell asleep at 9:00 and slept until 2:00. When she woke up at 2:00, I thought I'd suffocate in the stuffy warmth of the bedroom. So, once she fell back asleep, I moved her into the crib and turned the darn thing on again. As soon as it kicked on, she pushed up to her hands and knees, crawled over, and snuggled up to me. I can live with that.

Mr. X is on a business trip, and our heaven-sent babysitter came to help me for a few hours today, two of which I spent napping. Oh my goodness. I haven't slept without listening for a baby in sooo long. It was wonderful!

The birthday went well. It was low-key. The kids adored the horse show, and Sarah hated the cupcakes. She thought the whole candle thing was interesting, but to a baby who's never eaten anything sweeter than a banana, that's an awfully overpowering amount of sugar.

We went to mass. Here's the story on that. We've been attending another parish pretty frequently. We went there initially because the mass time (10:30) was long enough after the kids wake up that we don't have to rush, but long enough before naptime that they don't (usually) fall asleep in the car on the way home and ruin their naps.

It turned out to be a small parish with an aging congregation, but a great young couple who are friends of ours often go to the 10:30 mass, we know the deacon, and people are just very friendly. I had taken the year off from our regular parish choir because I just couldn't make the rehearsal commitment. But after we'd been attending for a few weeks, the deacon announced that the music director was inviting anyone who would like to sing to just come up to the choir loft and join the (tiny) choir--no rehearsal required.

So, the next week, I went up and sang, and Mr. X had the kids downstairs. I just ran back and forth, and finally took Sarah up with me during the Liturgy of the Eucharist. There were three little (like ages 7-10) girls up in the choir loft, and they rushed over to ooh and ah over the baby right away.

So, I've been going up to sing, bringing Sarah with me, whenever we make it to that mass. A couple of times, the whole family has gone up there and Mr. X has sung, too.

Then, two weeks ago, we went to the Saturday mass, and we sat in front of a really sweet older couple. Nicholas was having a rough time, so Mr. X was in the back with him for most of the mass, and the couple behind me was very sweet to Sarah, who was squirming a whole lot. We came back the next week, and sat in the same spot, but the kids did great that time. And the music director, who is the only cantor for Saturdays, asked if I'd like to cantor the Saturday mass.

In many ways it would be ideal, since I would only have to come down to the ambo for the psalm and would sing the rest from the choir loft. That way, we can bring the kids up to the loft, Mr. X doesn't have to wrestle them both for the whole mass, and they won't distract the congregation since we're behind them (in our regular parish, the choir and cantor are up next to the altar).

So, we tried it on Saturday. I discovered that it's tough to cantor with a 28-pound toddler on your hip, no matter how well-behaved he is, or with a 21-pound squirmer on your hip, for that matter. But it went OK. At one point, I looked down and caught the eye of the wife in that nice couple who sat behind us for the past two weeks, and she smiled and nudged her husband. After the mass was over, she came up to the choir loft and told me that she and her husband had been praying that I would sing for the Saturday mass--and they offered to come sit with us and help us take care of the kids during mass so I can sing!

How cool is that? I've been feeling bad about not singing, but I was feeling hard-pressed to figure out how to sing for mass, attend mass as a family, but not leave Mr. X to wrestle the kids on his own. I'm going to start singing at our regular parish, too, but we'll probably all go together on Saturday, and then I'll go on my own on Sunday, too. This way, we can all attend together, and I can sing.

Sarah's First Year

2010-07-24T21:54:00.000-07:00

Newborn

One Month

Two Months

Three Months

Four Months

Five Months

Six Months

Seven Months

Eight Months

Nine Months

Ten Months

Eleven Months

Happy Birthday!

A Year Ago . . .

2010-07-23T22:47:00.000-07:00

One year ago right now, I was in labor, into the fourth hour of pushing. Everyone thought her birthday would be the 23rd--the nurse finally had to call and have her wristbands rewritten just about now. I've frosted the cupcakes, plugged in the camera battery, washed and hung her little birthday outfit to dry, saved a photo post for tomorrow, and it's time for me to get some sleep. Her birthday gift (this doll, but in a red dress) probably won't arrive tomorrow, since I only ordered it on Wednesday night, but that's OK. I just hope her molars give her a break and she has a happy day!

We're going to a horse show in the morning as a surprise for Nick, who is still obsessed with horses. I can't wait to see his face when he sees all those horses in one place! Then I'm going to cantor at a new parish in the afternoon. It will be my first time cantoring since Sarah was born.

My life is so different now than it was a year ago, and I can't imagine a world without my little girl in it!

Seriously?

2010-07-12T15:17:00.000-07:00

Oh, holy cow. May 30th? I really haven't posted since May 30th? Sigh.

So, yesterday was the anniversary of Sarah's due date. Her birthday's not till a week from Saturday, but the big due date has me thinking about what last summer was like. That and the fact that I'm finally doing things like getting the maternity clothes out of my dresser.

I think we're finally starting to get our feet back under us. This has been one intense year!

The latest news is that Nicholas is OBSESSED with horses. Seriously. We live in a weird area that is a mix of single-family subdivisions, apartments, and horse properties, so, fortunately, he has many opportunities to see horses. Unfortunately, that also means that every time we get in the car he says "Neigh! Neigh!" It's adorable when he's all excited, but can drive a person crazy once it's been half an hour and it's become a plaintive wail. And seeing horses doesn't seem to diminish his need to see horses. As soon as we drive past some horses, he will immediately say "More! More! Neigh! Neigh!" Mostly, though, it's very cute.

And Sarah, it turns out, is not so much sleeping. She's been cosleeping with us for most of the last year, and for most of that time, she would just wake up, nurse, and fall back asleep. Now, she moves. And she cries. So Mr. X and I both wake up. Since she's almost a year old, we thought we'd start trying the N.o-C.r.y S.leep So.lu.tion. To start with, you keep a log of the baby's nap(s) (just one nap in our case), pre-bedtime routine, and night wakings. The night we did it, she fell asleep at 8:20, woke up for the day at 7:30, and woke up TEN TIMES in between. I really had no idea she was waking up that often. I'd just try to get her settled as quickly as I could so that both of us could go back to sleep, so I really wasn't keeping track. So, we took one side off her crib and attached it to our bed (to give her more room so that my movements at night won't wake her up). And Mr. X has started putting her to bed--she nurses until she's sleepy, and then he walks her around and sings to her. The first night, it took him 15 minutes to put her to sleep, and she only woke up 4 or 5 times. Unfortunately, the last couple of nights, she's started rolling and crawling in her sleep a lot more. She'll nurse, fall mostly asleep, pull off, roll over, stay there for a minute, then roll again till she's in the middle of her crib. Then she'll sleep for a few minutes. Then she'll roll over, push up on her hands, start to crawl back to the bed, and crash for another minute or two. I woke up last night at one point to find that she had turned around in the crib, crawled back to me, and was sleeping with her feet in the crib and her head on my shin. So, there are still some details to work out.

To deal with the sleep disturbance, we (that is, Mr. X and I) have been napping more than usual. I tried this afternoon, but just couldn't fall asleep. So, right now, everyone but me is napping. Still. It's getting awfully close to dinner time. So, much as I hate to wake sleeping children, I fear a bedtime fiasco if everyone doesn't get up soon!

The great diaper experiment

2010-05-30T21:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I made it. I had my last class of the school year this week. The summer is stretching ahead of me (well, once I finish up the end-of-the-year stuff, it is).

The last two weeks were tough. Mr. X was out of town for the second-to-last week, and for the first time I had no family in town to help. That Wednesday, I went in to the office and was rushed from one thing to another all day, and finally had to rush home to relieve the babysitter without having a chance to pump all day. I wound up with an excruciatingly painful plugged duct that took until Sunday to fully resolve.

But, on the good side, we took that week as the opportunity to see if Nicholas could fall asleep by himself . . . and he did it! It's been two weeks, and he's fallen asleep on his own every night. We had been gradually preparing him for the transition, because we weren't going to let him cry it out. Especially with all that he's gone through being adopted at 1 year old, we wanted to make sure he feels secure and knows that we'll come to him if he needs us. We do go back in if he cries for more than a minute or two. Tonight, I was putting both kids to sleep (Mr. X is working for a client in Asia this week, so he's home but online all night long. Weird, but better than having to travel!), and Nick fussed for 30 seconds, then played in his crib for a while, and then, half an hour later and just as Sarah fell asleep, he started wailing again. I went in, and he had thrown everything out of his crib and unzipped his pjs. I got his pillow, blanket, and tiger, zipped him up and tucked him in, and he went right to sleep.

So . . . to get to the whole diaper thing . . . at long last, I tried cloth diapering the kids today. I have two dozen (I think . . . maybe it's three) full-size prefolds and four 15-to-30 pound diaper covers, so I figured we'd give it a shot for one day to see what it's like. I think it will be good! Of course, Sarah had an amazing blowout on the way to church. The church we've been attending has better mass times than our parish, but absolutely nowhere to change a baby. So, I changed her on the front seat of the car. Thank God, there was just a tiny bit of poop on the little pants under her skirt. I made a rookie mistake and got poop on the new diaper and cover, so we shot two of the diaper covers right away. But I got the clean one on, and we did fine for the rest of the day. We went through 13 diapers and all four covers, but we're using disposables at night and for Nick's nap. I've put everything through the washer once on cold, and I'm about to throw it all in on hot before I go to bed. But Mr. X is on his lunch break, so I'm going to go talk to him before I sleep :-)

Congratulations are in order!

2010-05-13T14:50:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I'm away from blogs for a couple of days and miss announcements of two pregnancies and an adoption. God is so good!

This is a quick one. I'm already running late. I had to take the kids in for Sarah's follow-up follow-up appointment. Praise be to God, it looks like her tongue has healed! I thought the mass was back, but the doctor said it's just the scar from her incision. (No, I'm not as dumb as that makes me sound :-> It's just really hard to get a good look under a nine-month-old's tongue!) I had both kids with me, and the doctor was running an hour and a half late! I'm so thankful that I have sweet kids who were angels that whole time. I'm also thankful to the staff who provided animal crackers and juice boxes to the kids in the waiting room, since that helped with the angelic behavior. And I'm thankful that I didn't get trapped in the elevator today like I did after Sarah's first follow-up appointment.

I'm about to leave the office so I can make a couple of the dishes we're cooking for friends who just had a new baby. We're supposed to bring the food to their house (5 minutes away from our house) about 15 minutes after Mr. X usually arrives home from work. And he's the one grilling the steaks. We'll see how this works out!

Thinking of you . . .

2010-05-09T15:10:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post for Mother's Day. On my way to mass this morning, I was thinking about my friends through blogging and in real life. I was so happy thinking of those of you who are celebrating Mother's Day as mothers for the first time, and my heart ached for those of you who are still waiting or missing the babies you've lost. I want you all to know you're in my thoughts and prayers today!

Has it been a week already?

2010-04-30T04:50:00.000-07:00

1. So, you know the crazy week I mentioned last week? I think I doomed myself, because the craziness really began last Thursday morning. It continued unabated until midnight this Wednesday. Remind me not to exaggerate next time by calling a couple of crazy days a "crazy week."

2. Unfortunately, the craziness continued on Monday with Sarah falling down the stairs and hitting her head on the ceramic tile at the bottom. I'll pass on that kind of excitement in the future, thankyouverymuch. Thank God, she is fine--a little bruised, but fine. My heartrate is almost back to normal, too. Mr. X was working from home, and the babysitter was here. She thought the gate at the top of the stairs was closed, but it had bounced instead of latching shut, and Sarah pulled it open and rolled (thank God she rolled) all the way down. She cried for about 15 seconds, and that was it. We grownups, meanwhile, freaked out. Mr. X kept trying to call me at work, where I had my ringer turned off. I had to sneak out of class multiple times to try to call him back, and when I finally got through, he had already talked to the doctor (Have I mentioned that I love our doctor? Only a million times? Ok, then.) and concluded she was all right. I still left work early to come home and wake her up from her nap. Even though Mr. X and the babysitter had already woken her up once.

3. About two hours after I got home on Monday, I was chasing Nicholas in the living room when I heard Sarah whimper in the babies' room next door. She had managed to collapse the wooden folding chair in there, and it was lying on the floor next to her.

4. So, I took the kids outside. The doctor called me back (I had called to ask if we needed to monitor Sarah while she slept that night. I love our doctor. One million and one.), and while I was talking to him, I saw Nicholas putting something in his mouth. It turned out to be the cap from the propane tank for our gas grill. I didn't even mention it to the doctor. I just picked Nick up, carried him back inside, washed his hands, and called poison control. Of course, it was fine. So, I owe my kids' guardian angels some big thank-yous for Monday. And it only took me four hours after they fell asleep to relax.

5. Tuesday was pretty calm. Then, on Wednesday, I got a ticket on the way to work. Argh! It was for not stopping when I turned right on red at a stoplight. I'm pretty sure I stopped. But, anyway, then I was running late for work. So, instead of parking at my assigned lot four blocks away from my building, I parked in the pay lot across the street. The wind was gusting so hard that it threw me off-balance while I was standing in line for the meter. I finally got to the front of the line, started to pay, and a gust of wind picked up the traffic ticket in my purse and blew it a block away. Seriously--a block away and into a parking garage in five seconds! At that point, I was late and I had to drag all my junk a block away to the parking garage and start looking under cars for my stupid ticket. I didn't find it. Since I couldn't go back home and crawl into bed, I figured I would entertain people at work with the story for the rest of the day.

6. Then, Wednesday night, Sarah, who is usually sound asleep by 8:00 (though she does wake up to nurse several times, of course), turned into All Night Party Girl and stayed up till midnight. And thus ended my crazy week.

7. And, by popular demand, here are a few baby pictures:

Nicholas thoughtfully arranges books on the floor:

Sarah does not much enjoy her first taste of applesauce:

And the best shot in my attempt at a nice picture of the two kids on Easter Sunday ends up looking reminiscent of the Wanted poster for a gang of Wild-West outlaws:

More quick takes are here.

Seven Quick Takes

2010-04-23T10:58:00.001-07:00

1. I've been meaning to join in the 7 quick takes for ages. I've also been meaning to blog regularly for ages . . .

2. It's been a crazy week. Exhibit A: Took Sarah to the ENT for a follow-up appointment yesterday. To make a looong story short, she had a sore under her tongue (that we think was caused by her tongue rubbing against her bottom teeth while nursing) that grew a benign (thank God!!) mass. The mass was removed and biopsied on Good Friday. She handled the general anesthesia and hospital stay better than I did. It turned out to be just granulation tissue. But when I took her in for her follow-up yesterday, it seems to be returning. Argh! Any insights would be welcome! So far, we've seen our family doctor, two ENTs, a dentist (who ground the sharp edges of her bottom teeth so they're not quite so sharp). We've contacted La Leche League and a lactation consultant, who's also going to contact a naturopath.

3. Exhibit B: Arrived home from the doctor yesterday, and Mr. X and I got ready to go to work when we discovered that a clog in the waste pipe leading from the kitchen sink was causing the water to back up through the waste pipe vent. So dirty water was pouring through the family room ceiling below. Great.

4. Exhibit C: Woke up this morning to discover that Wonderdog had pooped on rugs in the living room, kitchen, and dining room and tracked it all over. The rugs are in the garage while we decide whether we'll take them to be cleaned or throw them away. On the up side, our wood floors are REALLY clean now.

5. We had a great weekend last weekend. We got lots done around the house, had a lot of fun with the kids, and got together with friends. We had dinner with a family who has a daughter exactly the same age as Nicholas. She's a very sweet little girl, and she loves her baby dolls. She was a bit concerned that Nicholas might try to take them. By the time we had been there five minutes, however, Nick walked past the doll highchair where the favored doll was sitting, gave the doll a look of mild interest, said "woof-woof," and continuted on his way. Sarah only discovered the baby dolls about five minutes before we left, and she reports that a nice baby doll head makes an excellent teether.

6. Five more weeks till summer! I can't wait to be home with the kids all summer long. It will be a good test to see if I would love being a stay-at-home-mom as much as I think. (This is not to say that I think in any way that it would be easy, but it just feels so much more important than anything else I could be doing right now.) Right now, we can't swing it financially for me to be at home all the time, but I think this summer will be a time for us to figure out a lot of things. We've realized that we really need to set goals for our family. For so long, we were really focused on having kids. Now that we have them, our perspectives on a lot of things have changed. I'm hoping the summer will be a time of discernment for us.

7. It's snowing!

More quick takes are here!

Non-update

2010-04-13T11:35:00.001-07:00

Wow, I can't believe it's been almost three months since I've updated. Things are generally good. The kids are great. I'm really struggling with what I should be doing. I absolutely hate leaving the kids to go to work. Hate it. This morning, I left while Mr. X was still home. As I tried to make my lunch (Mr. X was in the bathroom), both kids grabbed my legs and cried. I just lost it. I want to be home with them so much. Right now, we can't make it work financially. But it's just so much harder than I thought it would be. I don't even work that many hours, and we do some tag-teaming, and I do some work at night when the kids are sleeping, but still. I feel like I'm running constantly to get half of what I'd like to do done. Anyway. I have a lot to think through, but nothing's going to change immediately.

Checking in

2010-01-28T20:23:00.000-08:00

Well, it seems like forever since I've posted. Things have been really busy around here. I went back to work on January 4th. The first several times I was in my office, I was really shaky and thought I just might burst into tears if anyone looked at me funny. I really wish that I didn't have to work, but I do. Fortunately, we have schedules flexible enough that we can get by with part-time babysitters. I can work from home a fair amount even when the babysitters are here, so I can nurse Sarah while I type and take a break to put Nicholas down for his nap and things like that. I'm starting to get more comfortable with that, and I'm counting the days till summer when I can be with them all the time.

The kids are doing great. Sarah's six months old as of Sunday. She has one tooth and is working on a second. She seems to be bypassing sitting up in favor of crawling, and is far more mobile than I thought she would by at this age! She's sleeping about 12-13 hours at night (waking up several times to nurse, of course) and really doesn't like to nap during the day. At six months, she's doubled her birth weight, so she's now 16 lbs. 10 oz. and 26.5 inches long. My family is stunned, since that's what I weighed at 11 months. It's so much fun to make her laugh, and she's started patting me on the back when I pick her up.

Nicholas is almost 18 months, and we'll finalize his adoption in a month. He's starting to learn more English words. We're working on parts of the body, and he can reliably identify his belly button and usually his nose, ears, toes, thumb, and knees. What really cracks me up right now is that Mr. X "beeps" his nose, but he says "a-00-gah" when he does it. So, now Nicholas can't actually say "nose," but he points to his nose and says "a-oo-gah" all the time. He also loves to say "dog" and "woof-woof." But right now, everything says "woof-woof" . . . including the babies in his favorite book. Yesterday, I had to go in to the office, and he actually grabbed my legs, looked up at me, and shouted "mama!" I hate to leave when he's unhappy, but it seems like a good thing (attachment-wise) that he doesn't want me to go.

So, anyway, I've been a basket case since my last post about leaving them and going to work. I've been dreading it for a long time, and I've gone through such a jumble of emotions. I'm sad and worried about leaving them, guilty when I sit and enjoy a few minutes alone, embarrassed and overwhelmed with all of the tasks that don't get done, thrilled with the kids and how much I love them . . . it's been a lot to sort through.

Well, that's all for now. Time to hang up some laundry and figure out what else needs to be done before bed!

Hooray for nice nurses

2009-12-02T20:57:00.000-08:00

Sarah had her 4-month checkup yesterday. I was getting her ready, and really wanting to appear to be Super Competent Mom at the doctor's office. Because it's so dry here, you're only supposed to bathe babies 2 or 3 times a week. It was bath day, so I was getting her all ready. I started working on her cradle cap. Hate the cradle cap! I think I've got it all, and then I'll see her head in a different light, and I'm horrified that I missed a ton of it. Mr. X thinks I'm obsessed. So, I was trying to loosen the cradle cap so I could get it off while she was in the tub. Finally, Mr. X said "um, she just has to be clean, right?" Fine, fine. Point taken.

So, I gave her her bath and got her all dressed. I grabbed an extra outfit because she did have a blowout once at the doctor's office, and I wanted to be the Prepared Mom. We finally made it (late), and I walked in . . . and realized I had left the diaper bag at home. Great. I really need to remember these when I want to impress people that that whole "pride" thing really doesn't work out for me!

The assistant weighed and measured her, and then, while we were waiting for the doctor, I nursed her. And then she pooped. Great. Thank God, I had extra diapers and wipes in the car. I ducked out of the exam room (with the baby in her diaper and wrapped in a blanket) and said to the assistant, "I'm just running out to the car. I have extra diapers out there, and she just pooped." The guy in the waiting room was laughing as I ran by. At least he wasn't laughing in a mean way.

So, she's 14 lbs. 15 oz. How serious are the bassinet makers about that 15 pound weight limit? She's in a cosleeper bassinet in our room (just for when I'm not in the room--when we sleep, she's in the bed with us), and then we have a pack-n-play set up as the bassinet, and she likes to look at the mobile and roll around in there every once in a while. But, of course, they both have a 15-pound limit. I don't know what to do in the bedroom once the bassinet's gone. Her crib's a little bit big to fit next to the bed. We've thought about just putting rails on the bed so that she can sleep on the bed if we're not in the room, but the mattress is soft enough that we worry about her being in the bed unsupervised. (When I'm in the bed, she lies on her side, right up against me. If I move even an inch or two away, she scoots over in her sleep until she's right next to me again. And she's still swaddled for sleeping, so she really can't roll in her sleep yet, since her arms are constrained.) Right now, I'm thinking of putting a firmer mattress (like a little pack-n-play mattress or bassinet mattress) on top of our mattress and then putting rails on the bed. Oh, well. We'll see.

She's also 25.5 inches long, which means she's long for her weight--and tall! Clearly, she takes after her father. She'll probably be taller than me by the time she's 10.

Today, I took her for her immunizations. Because of our insurance, we take the kids to the HMO instead of to our family doctor (my NaPro doctor) for their immunizations. Thank God, we got a good nurse. We're doing the Dr. Sears staggered vaccine schedule, so she's had immunizations at 2, 3, and 4 months now.

At 2 and 4 months, she's had the DTaP shot and the oral rotavirus vaccine. At the 2 month appointment, I didn't know what to expect, since I hadn't done this before. I had Sarah on my lap, and the nurse stuck the ampule with the rotavirus vaccine into her mouth, squirted all the liquid in at once, and then squeezed her jaw shut. The poor little thing screamed, and half the liquid came out, and the nurse said "that's fine. That always happens. She got enough of it." OK . . . Then, she had me put her down on the table for the shot, and she cried and cried.

Today, we had a different nurse. She squeezed a little tiny drop of the rotavirus stuff into her mouth and let her taste it and swallow it, and then gave her a little bit at a time until she'd had the whole thing. It took a couple of minutes, but she was happy and got a lot more of the vaccine inside of her. I mean, it's sugary, so most babies should like it if they get to actually taste it, shouldn't they? Then I held her on my lap for the shot, and she didn't cry at all! I couldn't believe it! Not one little tear. She immediately turned her head and started rooting, so she definitely wanted to be comforted, but there was no crying! What a difference! It really made me annoyed with that first nurse, though.

Next week, Nicholas has to have his second dose of H1N1 vaccine and the varicella vaccine. Ugh. He's really good about getting shots, but I hate to see him cry after he's had the shot. He's amazingly tough for such a little guy. He cries, but only for a few seconds, and then he's back to his happy little self. But, especially since he hasn't been home for very long, I hate to hold him while they give him the shots, because I feel like he's just learning to trust me.

So, wow--two posts in one day! Pretty crazy. I should run. The kids are asleep, and I want to make some progress on the screen we're making to cover the railing in our living room where the spindles are too far apart. Here's hoping for a good night's sleep!

Birth Story Part I

2009-12-02T20:55:00.001-08:00

When I went to bed on Wednesday night (July 22nd), I was really hoping we'd be going to the hospital the next day. My induction was scheduled for 6am on Friday, and I really, really did not want to be induced.

I woke up at 4am. I had been having contractions off and on since the 10th, but the contractions were finally starting to feel uncomfortable. I decided to time them. I dozed off and on while sort of timing contractions until 4:30. By then, the contractions were about 3-4 minutes apart. I got up for water and to see if changing position slowed them down. It didn’t. I got back into bed with the Bradley method book to check out the signs of labor. Mr. X half woke up and we had the following conversation:

Mr. X: Are you OK?
Me: I think this might be it. The contractions are uncomfortable, and they're three or four minutes apart.
Mr. X: OK (rolls over and goes back to sleep).

Hmm. Clearly not really awake.

I kept on reading the Bradley manual and timing contractions. Then, at 5:05 I felt a sharp pain. It felt--really--like the baby had punched me in the cervix. Then I felt the water come rushing out.
This time, I woke up Mr. X for real and told him “this is it—contractions are 3 or 4 minutes apart and my water just broke.” I managed to scoot myself out of bed and walked like a penguin (with my knees together, that is) to the bathroom and into the tub. I managed not to ruin the mattress or the carpet, thank you very much.

Once I was in the tub, I was a bit concerned because the water was light brown, like weak tea, and there was a lot of it. It really broke with a gush. Mr. X called the doula to let her know what was up. I talked to her, too, and called back a few minutes later because I was concerned about whether there was too much pink in the fluid—she told me it was normal and that we should wait for a good pattern of active labor before going to the hospital. In spite of all my reading, I wasn't sure what that actually meant. She told me that, at that point, I wouldn’t be able to talk to her while I was having a contraction.

I hung up and got back in the tub. I was a bit worried because I hadn’t felt the baby move in a little while, and I wasn’t sure if she had moved since my water broke, so I started drinking a root beer in hopes that the sugar would make her move around. I started to feel her move pretty soon, so that calmed me down a lot. Mr. X brought me a stool to sit on in the tub. After each contraction, more fluid came out. I realized that my fears that my water would break and I would think I only had wet my pants were groundless, since there seemed to be tons of it. (Apparently, the body keeps producing amniotic fluid until the baby's actually born--I didn't know that before.)

Mr. X brought me a chicken sandwich and a sports drink so I’d have some energy, and I ate them in the tub. After a little while, I showered and put on the clothes I had put aside for labor—yoga pants and a t-shirt—and got back in bed. Mr. X started timing contractions. The contractions got to be stronger and more uncomfortable, but not closer together. During the relaxation practice we did for our Bradley classes, back rubs and guided relaxation/massage (where he would say “you’re in a hot shower and the water’s running down your arms . . .” while massaging my arms, and that sort of thing) were what I liked best. Mr. X did some of that in between contractions, but during contractions I was OK with him just keeping a hand on me, not doing anything that would jostle me at all. Between 9 and 10, we decided to get ready to go to the hospital. Mr. X loaded the car and called the doctor and the doula. The hospital’s about half an hour away. My parents were all excited and decided to follow us to the hospital after a little while, expecting there would be a baby by afternoon. It turned out to be quite a bit longer than they expected . . .

Hello again

2009-11-29T19:44:00.001-08:00

Wow, I can't believe it's been more than two months since I've posted! Time just passes so quickly. If I don't respond to e-mail immediately, then by the time I get back to it, weeks have passed. So, before the next thing happens, here's a super quick update.

Things are going pretty well around here. Mr. X has gone back to work and even went on a week-long business trip. Our little guy is sleeping through the night (mostly) in his crib in his own room, and the baby is still cosleeping with us.

I've been wavering on what to call the kids, since I don't want to use their real names, so I'm just going to give them names that I like but can't actually use because they don't work with our last name. Their blog names are hereby Sarah and Nicholas.

So. Nicholas started walking a month ago and is getting to be really good at it. In the three months he's been home with us, he's cut eight teeth. Eight. Teeth. Two of his eyeteeth came through last night. He's working on his molars and eyeteeth simultaneously.

Sarah is four months old. About a month ago, she discovered her toes and rolled from back to front on the same day. She rolled front to back two days later. She also started teething a bit before she hit three months. I didn't think babies started teething that young, but both grandmas saw her drooling and gumming everything in sight and declared her to be teething. When both grandmas say so, there's no arguing with that. No teeth yet, though.

The kids were baptized, which was amazing. We had them baptized at mass, which our parish rarely does. Nicholas was an angel and charmed the whole congregation when he clapped along with them after the baptism. Sarah was a bit fussy because she was hungry and wearing an uncomfortable dress. By the way, the christening gowns you can buy today are slippery! The one I wore when I was baptized was a sweet, simple cotton dress (that was way too small for Sarah), but I couldn't find anything like it!

The kids are adorable and happy, and they seem to like each other, too. Sarah loves to watch Nicholas play, and she gives him some of her best smiles and giggles. Nicholas actually talks baby talk to her. Of course, with the language change, he doesn't say many words yet at all, but he babbles constantly. We can tell he's talking baby talk to Sarah because he smiles and his voice gets very high-pitched. It's so stinking cute! He is very gentle with her (most of the time) and offers her his Cheerios, which are one of his absolute favorite foods. He's doing really well with the transition, and in the last few weeks, he's been giving me lots of big hugs, calling me "mama," and even gave me a kiss for the first time.

So, I'm going to try to post again. I'm starting to get a handle on things. I have the first installment of Sarah's birth story saved on blogger, but it's so boring! I wrote it right after she was born, and it's bare bones because I was just trying to write down the facts so I would remember them. I'll try to make it a bit more interesting and then post it. We'll see how that goes!

Tough Day

2009-09-17T00:00:00.001-07:00

I feel kind of bad even posting this with all the blessings I have, but today was a little bit rough. I woke up just feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. I mean, Mr. X and I have both been home with both kids for almost four weeks now, but I feel like we're barely taking care of things. The kids are happy (well, the little guy is as happy as he can be in this adjustment phase), healthy, fed, and clothed, which I know is the important thing. It just makes me nervous for when he goes back to work--and for when I go back to work. How are we going to do everything? And then I really hate the thought of someone else taking care of my kids! I'm feeling better now. After having a stupid argument with Mr. X, I finally told him I was feeling overwhelmed, and talking about it helped.

The babies are doing really well. The little guy is adjusting to us, and he really is just such a happy little boy! He cracked me up today when I came out of the bathroom (where I had been crying) and saw that he had put his favorite ball inside a little plastic bin and then squeezed his feet in there, too, and tried to sit down. When he saw me, he smiled and started bouncing up and down where he was sitting on the edge of the bin. The baby is doing great. She gained 13 ounces this past week, so I think we are out of the woods for now with the weight gain concern. She's getting chubby cheeks and multiple chins, so that's a good thing. Right now, we're trying to figure out how to keep her diapers from leaking. I have to admit that we haven't gotten the cloth diapering going. We put a cloth diaper on the baby for the first time when she was five days old. It was the middle of the night, I know I didn't get the diaper on her right, and she woke up two hours later with her clothes and sheets soaking wet--and that's when we saw that I was hemorrhaging and went back to the hospital. So, figuring out the cloth diapers became a low priority! Mr. X brought up the idea again a couple of weeks ago, but I suggested that we wait until our son was home a month before revisiting it--and that's coming up in a few days, which is kind of hard to believe. The issue with the baby's diapers (I think) is that she's not a round, chubby baby--she's thin for her height. So I think the issue is that the elastic around her belly and her legs just is not very tight, so when she has a really full diaper, it just goes everywhere. Right now, we have her in a disposable diaper (we just moved her to size 1) with a diaper cover over it. I think it's kind of funny, but it seems to help a bit.

Anyway, I have to run and get some sleep myself. I'm trying to hire someone as a mother's helper to come in just a few hours a week. Right now, that's definitely pushing it financially, but we can probably afford just a few hours, and I think it could make a big difference. Just to be able to get a few more things done, having someone to help so Mr. X can paint the bedroom doors, or someone to clean a bathroom or fold the laundry, or watch the kids while I shower, would be such a great thing!

I hope I'm not coming off as too whiny, but I think it's good to acknowledge the realities of the situation. I talked to a good friend when their twins (adopted as newborns) were about six months old. We had commiserated about our fertility problems and lost babies, and I was thrilled for them when they adopted. Six months in, she said to me "hard-won babies are still hard." I talked to a (married, with small children) Catholic missionary after mass on Sunday, and he said that he likes to make sure the college students he works with understand that marriage and family life are about sanctification--he said he tells them that you shouldn't get married because you want to, but because you're ready to die to self. Those have been good reminders when I feel like "we waited and wanted these babies so badly, we should do everything perfectly and be happy and grateful all the time." I do try to be grateful all the time, and I love these babies more than I knew was even possible, but it's still harder than I imagined!

The Result

2009-09-10T18:44:00.000-07:00

About five minutes to fall asleep, and a 2 1/2 hour nap in the crib! No way!

Jen asked where he's been sleeping--he's been on an air mattress on the floor with Mr. X for the past three weeks. Mr. X tried to get another crib nap out of him, but he wasn't really tired, so that didn't work so well--but it wasn't mutiny, just playing for a while and then whining.

In other news, I made it more than 24 hours without ibuprofen! And I have been wearing my favorite pre-pregnancy jeans--yes, they stretch, and no, I'm nowhere near my pre-pregnancy weight. Of course, I'm not trying to get to my pre-pregnancy weight right now--I've started eating more to promote milk production and, as a result, I gained a few pounds this week. But I now love my favorite jeans even more because they are so forgiving :)

And I realized I've never posted a picture of the little guy, so here are two from his first experience with Cheerios:

Contemplating this new food . . .

And declaring it good!

The Crib

2009-09-10T11:29:00.000-07:00

Oh my. Mr. X just put the little guy in The Crib for the first time. We'll see how this nap goes . . .

It's not actually the first time--we had the crib on the high setting before the little guy arrived. We used it for his little sister for her first couple of weeks for naps and for part of the night (my mom slept in the babies' room for a while and would take her for a feeding at night), so we had it on the highest setting. We still haven't stained the second crib (which, it turns out, is fine, since we have the bassinet and the baby is co-sleeping with me now), either, so we just have the one crib in the babies' room. Since the little guy got home, we've used it just for diaper changes and sponge baths. So, the little guy is used to being in the crib for that reason.

This morning, Mr. X lowered the crib mattress to the lowest setting and we put the little guy in it to see what he thought. At first, he thought it was great fun, and if Mr. X reached his hand through the slats, he would squeal and scoot to the far corner like this was a great new game. Then he got a little fussy.

So, right now he's in the crib for sleeping, and Mr. X is on the mattress next to it. I don't hear any sounds of carnage yet . . . I'll report back later, though!

10 ounces!

2009-09-09T12:46:00.000-07:00

My baby gained 10 ounces in 8 days! Hooray! I thought she was looking a bit chubbier, but it's hard to tell. Over the 8 days, I took reglan, we co-slept, and I made sure to rest, eat, and drink as much as I could. No supplementing and no pumping. I'm so relieved!

Quick Update

2009-09-05T20:25:00.000-07:00

Quick update while both kids are sleeping: Oh my goodness! Things are pretty wild around here. The little guy is adjusting really well. He is clinging to Mr. X, but he likes me now, too. It's clear to see that he's basically a very happy and easy-going little boy, and I can't wait until we're able to bond with him and make him comfortable enough to feel that way all the time (or at least as much of the time as any toddler can be). Our baby girl is doing well, too, but she's not gaining as much weight as she should. :( So, I am nursing her like crazy. We go back to the doctor on Tuesday to see how her weight gain is doing. I started keeping track, and she's nursing about 8-10 hours per day. At the doctor's advice, we cut out all pumping and supplementing this week to try to maximize stimulation for milk supply, and I'm just nursing her as much as she wants. I'm trying to rest and eat as much as I can. And I started co-sleeping with her, which means we're both getting more sleep, though I'm not sleeping as deeply. Fortunately, the doctor and the lactation consultant both say the baby looks great--very healthy and well-hydrated--so I'm not panicking . . . yet, anyway! I feel bad that nursing so much makes it harder to spend time with the little guy right now, so I'm trying to take every opportunity I can to play with him, talk to him, and feed him. Argh. Right now, it's whatever works. And I have a feeling the policy will be "whatever works" for quite a while.

I have been thinking about why the timing worked out this way with the kids. One lesson I'm learning from all this is humility--I can't be the perfect mom. I feel like we waited and hoped and prayed for these children, and I want to do everything right. But this situation has brought home to me--maybe faster than I would have acknowledged it otherwise--that it's just not possible for me to do everything perfectly according to all the "rules." So I'm praying that God will help me to be the mother that he wants me to be (rather than the mother I think I should be), recognizing that I need an awful lot of help to do that!

He's Here!

2009-08-21T20:30:00.000-07:00

No pictures yet, but we're all at home. Everyone in the house is asleep (or on their way to being asleep) but me--I'm going to wolf down some food so I can take my ibuprofen and then see how much of a nap baby girl will give me. Mr. X and the little guy had a rough trip--they missed their connecting flight last night because a delay + a short layover + the airline closing the gate half an hour before the flight (seriously? It's been at least 10 years since the last time I saw that happen) = an hour and ten minutes to make it through immigration and customs and get to the new gate four terminals over. Unfortunately, their connection was the last flight of the day, so they had to spend a very long night in a hotel and just arrived home this morning. Fortunately, the little guy was good as gold for the whole trip--he didn't start screaming until I held him at the airport!

The poor baby screamed the whole time we were at the airport (so, though a friend came and took pictures, I don't know if we have any that don't feature a screaming child) and then fell asleep in the car on the way home. He screamed for a few minutes once we got home, then fell asleep on Mr. X's lap. He cries if Mr. X puts him down for a second. He's started to smile at me, though, and even waved at me across the room and then smiled and clapped his hands. He also spontaneously started to play peekaboo with me tonight. He's having a rough time right now (who wouldn't if they'd been through what he has?), but it's obvious that he's usually a very happy little boy. I'm so thankful that they've made it home safely!

Now I'm off to see if I can get a little sleep!

One more hour . . .

2009-08-19T22:51:00.000-07:00

. . . until I'm a mother of two real live babies! God willing, Mr. X will receive custody of our son in about an hour, and this time tomorrow we'll be arriving home from the airport as a family of four.

Our little guy is crawling, pulling up, and cruising on the furniture, but not really walking yet. In between feedings I'm trying to clear a few areas so they'll be safe for him to play on the floor--for now, the babies' room and the family room. Any recommendations for feeding a one-year-old and for supplies to have on hand for teething?

Incidentally, the nursing is getting better, and I've changed my attitude about using nipple shields--instead of feeling like a failure, I'm looking at them as a tool that is helping us keep on breastfeeding while we get everything figured out. And I'm down from using them every time to using them about half the time.

Thank you, too, for the nice comments on the last post. I've done exactly what Beth suggested (put the baby in the Moby wrap) for the other two trips I've had to run errands, and it's worked perfectly. She has slept the whole time, just getting fussy at the very end when it's time to eat.

So, while the baby is snoozing (I really doubt she's down for the night, but we'll see), I'm going to run back to my cleaning!

Bad Mom Moment

2009-08-16T23:31:00.000-07:00

Mr. X left on Sunday, and he'll be back on Thursday with our little boy. I can't believe it's really happening!

The baby is sleeping, so I should run and jump into bed myself in a minute. My mother-in-law is here to help me while Mr. X is gone, and the other day we needed to go to the grocery store, where I had my first public terrible-mother moment. ]The baby cried the whole way there. I grabbed a cart and put her infant seat in it, and she immediately stopped crying once the cart was rolling across the pavement.

She was happy halfway through the store, and then started wailing (I think it was a combination wet-diaper and hunger situation). I didn't know what to do! We had two carts because I wasn't sure how to put the infant seat in the front part of a cart, so we had a baby cart and a grocery cart. I didn't want to take her out of the seat and hold her with one hand while I pushed the cart with the other, because that just didn't seem safe. After a minute or two that seemed like hours, I stopped in an aisle and took her out of the seat to calm her down while my MIL ran to other aisles to pick up items.

Finally, we just had a couple of last things to pick up (bread and milk), so I reluctantly put the baby back in the seat, where she immediately started crying again. I ran through to grab the bread and milk as fast as I could, but then my MIL remembered one more item, so we went across the store. Fortunately, most people were very friendly, probably because they saw how tiny the baby is and how tired I look (and how stressed I was that the baby was crying)! But as I was waiting in that last aisle, a young woman came over to me and asked me to let her hold the baby and comfort her. She seemed very sweet and genuinely distressed that the baby was crying, but I didn't want to let a stranger in the grocery store hold my new baby! And I felt just terrible because I felt like I'm this awful, heartless mom who just lets her baby cry in the shopping cart to the point that perfect strangers beg her to let them take care of the baby because they'd clearly do a better job.

Right after that, we got into the checkout line and I did take her back out of the seat and held her until we left--actually, she was so calm by then that I did just hold her with one hand and steer the cart back to the car with the other. She cried as soon as I put her in the car seat, but as soon as the car started moving and I put some static on the radio, she fell asleep.

Next time, I think I'll probably abandon the cart and go out to the car to try to calm the baby down. But, hey, at least I've had my first bad-mom moment in public only three weeks in, so I won't have to dread it!

Victory!

2009-08-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

The baby is sleeping in the M.oby wrap! First time I've gotten her comfortable in a carrier (though I put it on too loosely, so she's pretty low near my waist--as a result, I'm not doing anything too crazy). I was able to make and butter my toast while holding the baby!

And our son is now one year old and will be arriving home next Thursday. I'm getting nervous about his transition, so any prayers you can spare would be greatly appreciated!

I'm working on writing the birth story as well as about the whole hemorrhage/surgery thing. In the meantime, here are some random thoughts:

1. Thank God for blogs--without them, I would have been totally unprepared for how difficult nursing is. As it is, I'm only partially surprised. How do you get a baby with a tiny little mouth (and a mind of her own, too) to open wide enough?

2. I have heard reaffirmed by medical personnel in the last few weeks that redheads (a) bleed like crazy and (b) can just expect a lot of soreness while starting to nurse. Aren't we lucky?

3. Stitches after delivery are painful. Stitches after your original stitches from delivery have torn out are even more painful. More about that when I write about the big stuff.

4. Babies are amazing. I could just sit and look at her all day. One nice thing about nursing is that I get to spend a lot of my day doing just that.

5. A lot of people have offered to help. It's the kind of offer that I have often made--the "let me know what you need" thing. I know I'm sincere when I say it, and I'm sure they are, too. I know we're really going to need the help in the next couple of weeks. How do I actually take them up on it? I know friends who have had someone set up a Care Calendar for them--would it be bad if I did this for us myself? I feel kind of tacky doing it myself.

Eventful week

2009-07-30T19:07:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post--we returned home this afternoon from another stay in the hospital. It turns out that I had retained placental tissue, which caused me to start hemorrhaging terribly yesterday. It was probably the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. I had an emergency D and C under general anesthesia and, thank God, it looks like they got everything. They estimate I lost 1200 cc. of blood, but my blood count has stayed just high enough to avoid a transfusion. We're all totally exhausted, but I'm just really grateful to be alive right now.

Oh boy!

2009-07-28T10:29:00.000-07:00

The phone rang this morning . . . we have permission to travel and bring home our little boy! I'll update when Mr. X has his travel plans . . .

She's Here!

2009-07-27T20:38:00.000-07:00

Our little girl has finally arrived! I will write the birth story soon, but for now . . . I did actually go into labor Thursday morning, about 24 hours before my scheduled induction. And 20 hours later, she was born--just after midnight. She weighed 8 lbs 6 oz and was 21 inches long, which was much bigger than we or the doctor expected!

A few things about the birth:

We ended up doing the opposite of the majority of the things on our birth plan, but, since the main objective of the birth plan was me and the baby both in one piece, that was OK.
It was not at all like I imagined.
I very carefully packed a labor & delivery bag, wanting to not be the woman who overpacks.
I used absolutely nothing I had packed during labor & delivery.

The funniest conversation I had in the hospital was the talk I had with the new post-partum nurse who came on duty 7 hours after the baby was born:

Nurse: Are you having any vision problems?
Me: Not really. I felt kind of cross-eyed when they wheeled me over here, but now it's OK.
Nurse: It might just be the anasthesia.
Me: I didn't have anasthesia.
Nurse: No anasthesia.
Me: No.
Nurse: None at all.
Me: No.
Nurse: How'd that work out for you?
Me: It was tough.
Nurse: Yeah. That's how I had my babies, too. They didn't have epidurals then. It was kind of like pushing out a grand piano.

I'm just incredibly grateful to have made it to this point--at home with a healthy baby. I'm humbled by this amazing blessing and the knowledge that God has given us the gift and responsibility of being parents to this beautiful little person.

I'm not sure how long I'll leave it up here, but here is one of my favorite pictures from the hospital.

Nothing yet . . .

2009-07-21T23:30:00.000-07:00

Nothing new since yesterday around here . . . but I can't believe I forgot to congratulate Hafsa yesterday! I hope the pregnancy announcements keep on coming!

Almost double digits

2009-07-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

I went in for the biophysical profile today, and the baby came through with flying colors! She got an eight out of eight, and we got to see her on ultrasound for the first time since early March. She looks a bit squished in there, but otherwise great. And--wonder of wonders--she has hair! Most babies in my family are bald or just have a tiny bit of fuzz. But we could see her hair and her eyelashes, too!

Then I had my doctor's appointment and we talked about induction. I'm at 3cm now, so that's a bit of progress. I also said I was OK with stripping the membranes, so he did what he could. I'm so glad that I heard that would be painful in advance, because, man, did it hurt! We scheduled induction for first thing Friday morning, just in case, so I'm really hoping she decides to make an appearance before Friday morning!

I finished making a matching sun hat for the little dress, too. And my dad made it into town today, which is great.

Tonight, I dragged myself out to go for a short walk with Mr. X and Wonderdog. Thank God we went when we did! It was just starting to sprinkle when we left the house. By the time we returned, the rain had stopped and the wind had whipped up. And we could actually hear the train noise of a tornado in the distance. About 30 seconds after we came inside, it started to hail--grape-sized hail! Our bedroom window was open, and a piece of hail broke the screen and landed on the carpet. It lasted about 20 minutes, and in the end, our street was flooded, with water all the way up the sidewalks. I'm just so glad that we didn't leave the house five minutes later! (And that I didn't immediately go into labor when the storm started!)

So, that's the latest from our house. I hope we have more news soon!

. . . Plus Six

2009-07-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

Still waiting here! I called the doctor today to ask what induction might entail, just so I'll have a better idea of what might be ahead next week.

I'm really hoping not to need to be induced. Fortunately, the baby definitely dropped today. My mom and I were at the store and I suddenly felt like I had a lot more pressure on my bladder . . . and I blamed it on the elastic in my shorts and the can of root beer I had just finished. But when I got home, and went to the bathroom, I realized that (a) my bladder was not nearly as full as it seemed and (b) there's a bit more space up high (as in, my belly isn't actually touching my b.r.easts anymore). So, yay! Progress! Lately whenever I sit or lie down, it has felt like the baby is trying to crawl up under my ribs, so now she's moving in the right direction!

I finished the little going-home dress I made, and--are you ready for this?--here's an actual picture! (I can't remember the last time I actually posted a picture.)

It's cotton yarn, so it's actually pretty heavy, and it took forever to dry when I washed it, but I'm happy with it. The buttons are little bunnies, which is kind of hard to tell in the picture. My mom and I tried to find some ruffly white pants to go under the dress, but I haven't been able to find any! Well . . . I haven't been able to find any at a store, and the ones I've found online are about $15 or more a pair! That's crazy money! So, I found a little pair of plain white pants among the hand-me-downs we've received from friends, and those will have to do. After all, we'll basically put it on her, drive her home, and take it off again. And she might get to wear it to church once or twice before she outgrows it.

We're getting fairly close to ready on the other stuff. The babies' room is about half painted, and we have clean bassinet sheets and have washed all the newborn-sized stuff.

Beth asked about diapers, and we decided to try prefolds and diaper covers. We have some Indian and some Chinese cotton prefolds, and we have an assortment of diaper covers (Th.irsties, Bum.mis, and Im.se V.imse, some of which are hand-me-downs), so we'll see how it goes! I bought a few doublers and some wipes, and we did get a lot of disposable newborn-size diapers, which we're planning to use for the first few days. I think we'll be OK to get started.

Oh, and since I never posted it before, here is the 39-week belly shot:
Right now, I look pretty much the same, except that my belly is a tiny bit lower--considering that I'm short, there's not that much space for the baby between my hips and my ribs, so even though she's dropped, there's not much visual difference. She's pretty much had to grow straight out. It's pretty funny, though, to run errands, because everyone asks when I'm due and is a bit startled when I say "six days ago." My friends have pretty much stopped calling and e-mailing, and my doctor told me he ran into the L&D nurse I know at the hospital, and she asked him if I went to a different hospital to have the baby! Any guesses on when she'll decide to arrive?

Due Date +4 and Counting

2009-07-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

Still here, waiting for the babies! I had a doctor's appointment yesterday--2cm dilated, 60% effaced, and the baby's still floating. People told me that having a cer.v.ix check would be "uncomfortable." But, hey, isn't every exam in that area uncomfortable? Um, yeah. Really uncomfortable, and moreso than usual for that area. I just say this so that maybe others won't be surprised!

I made an appointment for a biophysical profile for Monday, in case the baby hasn't decided to put in an appearance by then. If everything looks OK, the doctor's willing to wait until the end of next week to induce.

So, we're getting closer to "ready." The diapers have finished their last pre-wash, I'm finishing the little "going home" outfit, and the house stuff is getting done. Still no adoption news, though.

And, speaking of news, congratulations to Sew Infertile!

Still No News

2009-07-11T22:41:00.000-07:00

Still no news over here. I had contractions semi-regularly for a little while last night. They're still not painful, so I really had to kind of poke my belly to see if the muscles were still tight. I'm thinking if I have to poke myself to check whether I'm having a contraction, I'm really not there yet.

My mom and I went to B.abies R U.s today and bought the last few essential things, along with a shower gift for the baby shower I'm going to tomorrow. After the contractions last night, I also spent some more time on packing the hospital bags. We have one bag for stuff we'll probably use at home, but will also want to take to the hospital, then one for labor & delivery, and one for postpartum. I promise it's not as bad as it sounds! It'll end up as one large briefcase-type bag for labor & delivery and one small duffel bag for postpartum. Plus the camera and laptop, of course. :) I just realized that I forgot to pack underwear, though. I should probably do that. I know, pretty pitiful packing the hospital bag on the due date, isn't it? We also bought the paint for the babies' room today, and I hurt my back when we worked on sanding the second crib yesterday in preparation to stain it. But the rest of the house is actually shaping up! (And we do have the bassinet and one crib ready to go, so even if both babies were to arrive tomorrow, they'd both have a place to sleep!)

I should probably go and get some sleep. We're going to an early (relatively--for us, anyway) mass at the local Irish Festival tomorrow. They actually asked me to sing for the mass, but I didn't think it was a good idea to commit to singing on the day after my due date!

40%

2009-07-08T22:48:00.000-07:00

I had my doctor's appointment on Tuesday, and found out that--according to his scale anyway (how accurate are the scales in doctor's offices, really?)--I have now gained 40% of my body weight! Oh my goodness. I gained four pounds in the last week--how can that be possible when my stomach is so squished? Probably some of it is water retention. I just didn't think I was really going to continue getting bigger at this point! Mr. X is cracking up because he is a full foot taller than me (though, in my defense, he's very thin), but I now weigh only five pounds less than he does. Fortunately, the doctor doesn't seem worried, and everything looks fine with the baby, thank God! He did do a cervix check--my first one. Definitely not the most comfortable exam I've ever had! He said I was dilated maybe one centimeter, and maybe 20% effaced. The baby is still floating, too. Of course, I know I shouldn't be reading too much--or anything, really--into that, but I'm thinking she's not in too much of a hurry, which is OK by me.

My mom arrived today, which is great--that means she made it in time! Unfortunately, I hurt my back closing the back hatch to the van at the airport today, so I've been pretty much useless since this afternoon. It drives me crazy to sit when there's so much to be done! I'm telling myself that I should appreciate the ability to just sit and be quiet, since I'm sure that will be a very rare opportunity in the near future. I'm so glad my mom is here. And, as a surprise, she brought my christening gown and bonnet and an adorable little white suit so that both babies will have a baptism outfit. I spent some of my sitting time today working on the "going home" outfit I'm making--a little green sundress and hat. I think the dress will be done with about another hour's work. And if it's not done in time to bring the baby home from the hospital, it's not the end of the world.

Anyway, I should get ready for bed. I know I'm overtired, and I'm hoping a good night's sleep will help my back heal quickly!

Last Hurrah (Sort of)

2009-07-06T22:24:00.000-07:00

We're into the single digits now! I think my doctor won't strongly push me to induce unless I've gone two weeks past the due date (provided everything looks good), and I really don't want to be induced if I don't have to. So, we could still be in for a couple of weeks' wait here, but we're getting close. My mom's arriving on Wednesday. I just printed our birth plan to put in the bag we're packing for the hospital.

Mr. X and I went out for a real date last night, since it would be our last chance to go out as a couple pre-baby. We actually got dressed up and went to dinner and a movie. On a friend's recommendation, we ended up seeing A.w.ay W.e G.o. We both liked it a lot (though I'll warn you that it is pretty crude in parts), and we had a really fun night. Mr. X took pictures of me once we got home, since I was looking presentable and I have friends who are clamoring for belly pictures. Once I get the pictures downloaded, maybe I'll go nuts and actually post a picture or two.

Today, I was completely wiped out. I'd been going on my little nesting marathon last week and over the weekend, and I don't know if it finally caught up to me or what. I skipped my exercise class tonight and just got some more sleep. But now I should probably get back to the nesting--the house is sooo much better, but we still have a long way to go!

House Progress!

2009-07-03T00:51:00.000-07:00

Thank God, we are making progress on the house! Mr. X commented today that we're finally unpacking. (Five years we've been in this house--five years!--and I'm finally getting through the last few untouched boxes). Tonight, we moved a bunch of stuff out of the home office and set up the desk we bought for Mr. X at I.k.ea.

I've been sloooowly dredging through all of our junk. We have very little storage space in our house (tiny closets, no basement or laundry room) and way too much stuff. And because of the continuous remodeling we've been doing for the last five years, we haven't been able to get to all of that stuff. But it's starting to get better. Every room in our house is actually functional right now--all the major projects are done, and none of the rooms are under construction. Right at this moment, we're both sitting at our desks in the office. You have no idea how amazing it is that we actually have a home office where we can both sit and have reasonable work space.

Even though it's been a pain to go through all of the junk, some if it's been kind of nice, too. Tonight, I finished going through the boxes of old pictures, knick-knacks, and the stuff that would be in scrapbooks if I ever had time to put it in scrapbooks. It's been good to think over the good times from the past (and even some of the rough times) as I'm getting ready to move into a new part of my life.

I found a card my grandma wrote me when I was in college, and just seeing her handwriting made me happy. I found a gift I made for my other grandma when I was ten (it was a little plaque, and she wrote my name and the date on the back--my grandpa gave it to me after she died). I found the letters and drawings my baby sister sent me when I was in college, cards my friends sent when I was devastated over a breakup, the piece of scrap paper where I wrote down Mr. X's name and phone number when we first met.

You can see why it's taking me so long--some of this is great stuff, but there's a lot that isn't that special, or, to be more accurate, doesn't have the same meaning for me right now as it did in the past. So, I've parted with about half of it. In a couple of years, I'll probably be ready to let more of it go. But, for now, the things I've kept are the reminders of how blessed I have been. Sometimes I forget. Right now is a good time to be reminded and to appreciate that I have amazing family and friends who have shown their love for me in a thousand small ways over the years.

And if anyone has ideas for where I can store the roasting pan and stock pot that I only use on Thanksgiving and that are too big for the kitchen cabinets, or where on Earth a good place would be to put the 50 pounds of flour and 50 pounds of rice Mr. X brought home from S.a.m's Cl.ub one day, any help is appreciated!

No news is . . . no news

2009-07-01T17:31:00.000-07:00

So, things are just going along here, which is a good thing. No big news on either baby, which is OK. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, and he estimated that she's now 7 1/4 pounds (but last week, he estimated 6 1/2 pounds, so he said that shows the accuracy of weight estimates!). Mr. X and I were both healthy but relatively small babies (6 1/2 pounds-ish), so we'll see how big this baby will be!

I talked to our adoption agency last week. Their latest estimate is that we will get "the call" in mid-July. Hmm. Did I say that things are about to get interesting?

We're making some good progress around here, though. Today, Mr. X and our very nice neighbor moved a bunch of our old office furniture out of the babies' room, and Mr. X and I just finished setting up the first crib! It's actually starting to look like a babies' room!

The crib took us waaay too long to finish--we stained it, but the grain popped, so we had to sand and re-stain. Then, tonight, we got ready to fasten the first two pieces together, and we were missing a cam hole! So much for I.kea's quality control! Mr. X managed to improvise with his drill bits (which, of course, weren't metric) and drill a hole that woould work, so we now have one standing crib. And, miracle of miracles, the mattress fits!

I've started having (or, probably more accurately, noticing) contractions every now and then, which is pretty wild. A good friend of mine called today to point out that I'm about to go in to the single digits on the due date countdown. I got two big projects for work crossed off the list today--fulfilled all my obligations for the next couple of months. I still have a few more projects to go, but it feels good to have those two squared away.

I posted a ton of stuff on c.raig.slis.t last weekend (no bites on the big items yet, unfortunately), and Mr. X has loaded up the van with junk headed for Goodwill and the used bookstore. I've been trying to check off the items for our hospital packing list (bought nursing bras last week and a nursing top and pads yesterday).

We still have a ton of stuff to do, but I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and not a moment too soon!

More craziness

2009-06-24T23:54:00.000-07:00

Argh, has it really been two weeks since I posted? Things are going all right around here. I had my 37-week appointment today. (I'm really 37 1/2 weeks, but who's counting?) Oh my goodness, that means the baby is full term now! Hooray! I had my last progesterone injection (at least until the baby's born) this weekend. The baby is doing great, and the doctor guessed she's about 6 1/2 pounds now, which is good. I've gained 38 pounds by my doctor's records. We'll have to take some pictures--we haven't documented just how huge I am yet!

I'm trying to get the basics in order by Saturday, which will be two weeks to the due date. I'll have plenty to do after that, but at least I'll feel like we'll be OK if I go into labor. So far this week, we've got our birth plan pretty much written, hired a doula (our Bradley instructor, who is great), I bought two nursing bras, we're in the process of washing some cloth diapers (we're planning on prefolds and covers, so we bought two different kinds of prefolds to see which we like better once they're washed), and we've got most of (what seems to me to be) the important stuff. We have the newborn carseat (but not the convertible yet), we have a bassinet, and we're finishing the staining of the cribs. For the rest of the week, I'm going to be working on listing a whole bunch of stuff on craigslist, getting the babies' room ready (can't believe I don't have that done yet--it still needs to be emptied and painted before we can move in the furniture), writing thank-you notes, packing for the hospital (which will include buying some pajamas and a robe, since Mr. X has noted that my robe is now too skimpy to be appropriate for the hospital), washing baby clothes, and figuring out what else we need!

We've been spending a lot more time with friends lately, which has been really nice. I know we won't have much time to spend with friends for a while after the babies arrive (especially since we'll be trying to keep things low-key for our son as he adjusts to us), so it's been fun to do that now. We've got two more parties to go to this weekend, we're going to try to have a barbecue for the friends who wrote our adoption references over the weekend of the 4th, and I'm invited to a friend's baby shower on the 12th (which is due date + 1, so we'll see about that one).

TCIE asked on the last post about the adoption stuff . . . I promise to write more about our process (I am, of course, writing down what's happening so I'll remember and so I can post about it later) once we have our little guy home. I just feel uneasy about posting too much now. But the short version is that, yes, we have been matched with a baby who is almost 11 months old. And I thought he'd be here much sooner than this. But my best guess is that we have at least two more weeks to wait . . . and, yes, we are 2 1/2 weeks from my due date right now. Things are about to get very interesting around here!

Looking back

2009-06-10T21:40:00.000-07:00

The other day, I refilled our hand soap containers with the last of a refill bottle I found way back under the sink. When I had my surgeries in Omaha, Mr. X brought lots of disinfecting wipes to make sure the hotel room was clean, and we brought bottles of antibacterial hand soap, too. Usually, we use a different soap, but the refill bottle I found is that same antibacterial hand soap we used in the hotel room. Every time I wash my hands, the scent reminds me of the surgeries and the recovery--which was about 6 weeks for the big laparatomy.

It's interesting to be reminded of that right now, when I'm able to appreciate and be thankful for all that those surgeries did for us. My due date is almost exactly two years after the laparatomy.

When we decided to move ahead with the adoption process last fall, I was really happy about that decision. We knew we wanted to adopt, we found the program that fit, and I felt like we had done all of the "major stuff" in terms of infertility. I had the two surgeries, then went back for the follow-up HSG, and it seemed like anything else would be just tweaking what we'd already been trying. I felt pretty confident that we'd have a biological child someday, but that day might be years in the future, and I was very excited to adopt a child.

When I was single, I was pretty confident that I'd get married someday. But I thought about how wonderful it would be if someone could just tell me when I'd meet my husband. It would take away so much of the suspense and uncertainty. Now, as I'm getting ready to give birth and adopt--both within a matter of weeks--I think about how much easier it would have been to face the surgery two years ago if someone had been able to tell me, "in two years, you'll be getting ready to bring home two children." I wonder what I'll be thinking two years from now, looking back on this time, and what I'll wish I could have known.

35

2009-06-08T17:45:00.000-07:00

. . . that's weeks for the baby and years for me (and look how nice you guys are, guessing I'm younger!). It's just nuts around here. Panic is beginning to set in! We have new furniture in the house, in boxes, with one crib half-finished being stained (we ran out of stain and are waiting for the rest to come in the mail). We have home improvement projects half-finished, and the babies' room is still full of junk. Help! I don't know how we're going to get this stuff sorted out before the babies are here. There isn't one room in the house that's the way it should be. We'll see how it all turns out . . .

Exotic Vacation to I.KEA

2009-05-24T18:40:00.001-07:00

So, here we are on vacation! We made our second trip to I.K.EA today. Oh. My. Goodness. Mr. X commented that it's a good thing we brought such a small van :) Otherwise, we might try to bring home the whole store. So far, we've bought two cribs and two dressers, with one changing-table top thing to put on top of the dresser. We had to go back today, because there was only one crib available yesterday--they had to put more out on the floor for today. Today, we also bought a new desk for me and a drawing table/desk for Mr. X--he's wanted one for years, and I'm so happy we bought it! I have no artistic talent, but he really does, and I'm glad he's got the drawing table. We found a kitchen cart that will work to get our printers (we have three!) off the floor and desks. I think we'll actually have a functional home office when we get home! We bought legs for a table top that we want to put on the back porch (the table top's been in our downstairs for five years. Five. Years.). And then we bought a few random items--a cutting board Mr. X really liked, some glasses (most of our glasses have broken over the last couple of years and we never think to replace them), some little child-proofing latches. It was really funny, because neither of us had ever been to an IK.EA, but Mr. X is always coming up with ideas for designs of different items and will sketch them out and tell me about them--the drawing table and the cutting board we bought (along with several other things we saw in the store) were almost identical to his ideas. The good thing is that we've spent almost exactly what I anticipated, but ended up with a lot more for our money than I thought we'd get!

We may go back again tomorrow.

So, let's see, what else . . . My progesterone dropped again. The nurse from PPVI called while we were on the road and told me to resume the injections. Unfortunately, I left everything at home! My local doctor (have I mentioned how great he is lately?) called in the prescription for me and we actually were able to get the progesterone and syringes locally with little trouble, thank God! Things seem to be going fine with the baby girl. I was having some really bad round ligament pain for a couple of months, but that seems to have pretty much stopped--I guess the ligaments gave up and just stretched already. We've gotten really good news on the adoption in the past week, too. We made it past three more paperwork steps. I'm still keeping track of everything so that I can post about our process once we've got our little guy home . . . which should be soon, I hope! So, all is well on the baby front right now.

The nearest I.KEA to us is in Utah, so we had a looong drive, and we're spending the weekend here just relaxing, which is great. This morning, we went to hear the M.ormon Tab.ernacle Ch.oir. It was pretty cool--they had a military band as the special guest and performed patriotic music, so it was a fun thing to do for Memorial Day. Temple Square was really interesting, too. Afterwards, we went to the cathedral for mass, and found to our delight that they have an amazing choir. The deacon gave a really good homily, and the music was a few older, traditional English hymns, and then Renaissance music for the mass setting and a few motets. When I heard the choir without seeing them (they were singing in the chapel for Lauds as we were coming in for mass), I assumed it was an adult choir, but most were children or teenagers. It was really impressive!

We're going to head out for dinner in a little while, and we're going to spend some more time tomorrow in the U.inta Fo.rest (we did a bit of exploring yesterday) when the weather is nicer (I forgot an umbrella when we were packing and got completely soaked walking to mass). Yesterday was actually my birthday--yay! Any guesses how old I am now? :)

Weirdness

2009-05-10T20:08:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend the other day about Mother's Day, and we agreed that people who say that "once you are a mom, all the pain of infertility goes away" are just wrong. It isn't that you aren't happy, but you still remember it all. So, I did have a lovely Mother's Day today--Mr. X gave me tulips and a card yesterday (I saved the card till today), and I got a card in the mail from my parents. Lots of people wished me a happy Mother's Day at church, which was really sweet, and I stood up for the blessing at the end. I did remember vividly how I felt last year, and I prayed for all my friends (blogging friend and other friends) who are waiting.

The weirdest thing happened today, though. After singing for mass at my own parish, we went across town to another parish for a family friend's first Communion. And we heard the worst homily I've heard in years. Seriously. It was so bad, Mr. X finally got up and left for a few minutes. The priest was talking about the importance of community, and he talked about how we need to have dialogue in order to grow in our faith. He talked about how we are the church. He said that to blindly accept something the church (meaning the Magisterium) teaches even if you don't really believe it lacks all integrity, but to say "what I believe must be right and the church must be wrong" lacks all humility. Then he gestured to the white wall behind him and asked if he told us that the Magisterium had just infallibly stated that the wall is red whether we would believe it. What??? He said that, if the Magisterium tells us the wall is red, but everything in our experience of life tells us the wall is white, and that's what our community believes, then, since our community is the church, the wall is really white. Huh??? (This is the point when Mr. X couldn't take it any more.)

He never gave a concrete example, just talked once about "proposition A" versus "proposition B" and then spent the rest of the time on the whole white-wall-is-red thing. It was a total straw man fallacy--I mean, how often is the church going to give us a teaching on faith and morals that is demonstrably, objectively false? Though Mr. X pointed out that it's particularly insidious to be giving this kind of homily at a first Communion, where the children's senses tell them that the Eucharist is bread and wine, but the church tells them it's the body and blood of Christ! I'm not up on these things, but is it actually heresy to tell the congregation that we can reject an infallible teaching of the church if we come to a conclusion as a group, based on our experience, that it's wrong?

Just had to get that off my chest. For the most part, it's been a really nice weekend!

Well, so much for that resolution!

2009-05-07T20:24:00.000-07:00

Still working on the de-stressing thing . . . not working out quite as well as I'd hoped!

Things are going along well, though. Our adoption paperwork is hung up in process right now, so I'm working on my patience! I'm already almost 31 weeks, too, which is kind of surreal. Every once in a while I have an "oh my goodness, this is really happening" moment. The doctor was able to tell that the baby is head-down at my appointment this week (hooray!), and last night at choir practice, she seemed to have decided her foot really needed to be lodged under my ribs, which makes singing quite interesting. My progesterone has been high for two tests in a row, so no injections!!

I really, really need to start working on the babies' room, though. It's still full of junk. Our kitchen and bathroom are fully functional, so I think it's time to move on to the baby prep. We've picked out furniture--finally settled on I.KE.A for cribs and dressers. Unfortunately, we live more than 8 hours from the nearest store, and shipping is outrageous! So, after wavering for ages about our last pre-baby vacation as a couple . . . we're going to drive to I.K.EA in our new minivan! Aren't we the most exciting people ever? Just so you know, our original plan (ages ago) was a month in Italy. With the uncertainty of the adoption timing, we scrapped that idea and opted for a cruise instead. I was just getting ready to click "buy now" for the cruise tickets when I read the fine print that no woman more than 24 weeks pregnant is allowed on a cruise ship (really glad I read that before clicking "buy now"). Then we were going to have a Florida Keys snorkeling trip, but booking the plane tickets using miles was getting a little crazy. So. We had much more thrilling plans originally, but I.K.EA it is!

OK, there are other attractions to the trip, we're not just going to I.K.E.A. We're looking forward to having a little road trip and relaxation. I think I'll turn off my cell phone, too. Or at least program special rings for people I'm willing to pick up for. The only hitch in the plan so far is that I called customer service at IK.EA today, and they will not hold merchandise or let you order to the store. I guess we just have to hope our cribs and dressers are in stock!

So, that is the latest update, and in the interest of reducing stress, here is something that made me laugh out loud today.

No More Stress

2009-04-21T18:33:00.000-07:00

Things have been a little crazy these last few weeks. I was letting a lot of things get to me--waiting for adoption paperwork and worrying about whether anything had gone wrong, buying a car in a way more complicated way than I ever imagined, and lots of stress at work. I think I may have to cry "uncle" because my go.ogle re.ader now has more than 100 unread posts, and I don't think I'll be able to catch up. But I decided that the stress has got to go! I hit the third trimester on Saturday, which is so hard to believe. The previous night, we were driving around in terrible weather, and I was feeling a bit sick to my stomach. When we came back home, I had the tiniest bit of spotting. I called my doctor and got into bed and then started berating myself for letting things get to me, for not eating right (we're almost finished with our kitchen remodeling, but our kitchen hasn't been functional for the last two weeks), and for falling down on my exercise program. The doctor called me back and said that if the discomfort and the spotting stopped, then it was probably nothing to worry about. Thank God, they went away and have stayed away so far.

So. No more stress. I'm not saying that spotting and stress are connected--I have no idea. But it made me realize that I have to start putting things in perspective. I'm doing better at handling the tough things. Last night, I was exhausted after a really rough day. We did our relaxation practice that we're supposed to do for the Bradley training, and I wasn't able to focus my mind on it. But Mr. X checked my shoulders, which are usually like iron bars if I'm stressed, and they were actually relaxed. I made it through a really tough day today, remaining much calmer than I usually would. That's my new project: remaining calm and relaxed. I'll let you know how that works out . . .

5:30am = Bad time for phone to ring

2009-03-29T22:47:00.000-07:00

I just finished some work for a deadline tomorrow! Yay!

That reminded me . . . last week, I was happy when my employer used the emergency notification system (on which I have registered our home phone, my cell, and Mr. X's cell) to let us know that we were closed for the day due to weather conditions. All of our phones rang simultaneously at 6am. But that seemed appropriate.

The next day, all of our phones rang, in sequence, beginning at 5:30am. The recording said that the weather was fine (which I knew) and that we would be open for the day (which I would assume unless I got a call saying otherwise). The result was that I stumbled sleepily around the house, turning off phones and muttering nasty things.

I'm hoping for no phone calls before 8am tomorrow!

Good progesterone news!

2009-03-26T14:44:00.000-07:00

Thanks for checking on me, TCIE! I'll post more later this week, but I thought I'd do a quick update now. Today, the weather is so hideous that we're holed up inside (it took Mr. X 2 1/2 hours to drive 15 miles home from work!) and I'm in a great mood! I've been feeling really overwhelmed between adoption training, childbirth classes (we're taking the Bradley method course), work deadlines, finding a new car, refinancing our house, remodeling the bathroom and kitchen, and general getting ready to be parents (trying to eat well and exercise, read up on parenting, shovel out the office-turned-babies' room, and figure out what stuff we have to buy!). The weather may be nasty today, but it gave me a reason to cancel everything and stay home to catch up on things.

So, I heard from PPVI this afternoon, and my 24-week progesterone level is in Zone 3! Woohoo! I get to stop the progesterone injections (at least until my 26-week progesterone test--depending on that level, I may have to start again). If it's good for the baby, I'm happy to have the injections right up to birth, but it's nice to see a good high level and know that I can skip a couple of needles!

Speaking of which, I have to get back to work, but I finally scanned in the latest ultrasound pictures, so I'll leave you with a picture of our little girl! She's on her side, facing the camera with her head on the right. This is a pretty good shot of her face, and she looks like she's smiling!

It's a . . .

2009-03-10T21:37:00.000-07:00

GIRL!

It was really kind of funny, because Mr. X and I both have thought the baby was a girl all along. Of course, we had a 50/50 chance of being right, but our reaction was more of a "oh, yeah, that's what we thought" than a big surprise. Still very cool, though. The ultrasound was funny, because the ultrasound doctor (my regular doctor doesn't have an ultrasound, so I have to go to another doctor) was held up (had to assist on a delivery in which the baby came out and the IUD didn't--yikes!). So, the PA and a med student came in and said they wanted to play with the machine before the doctor came. It was a riot. So, we had lots of time on the ultrasound, and Mr. X (who is really good at visual stuff) was able to identify the baby's sex before they were. Then, the doctor came and confirmed that everything was OK. It was amazing to see the baby's heart (we could even see the valves working) and her little hands opening and closing into fists. She was moving all over the place, too! Unfortunately, the pictures we ended up with are mostly of the "alien baby" variety. I haven't scanned them in yet, but I need to in order to post them here and send them to family.

Last week was insane between a ludicrous deadline I had for work (deadline was online submission by Friday, and I finished on Friday night . . . at midnight) and my parents coming to visit (which was great fun). My parents helped us out a ton with things around the house. My dad put in lots of baseboard and helped Mr. X install some new cabinets in the kitchen, and my mom and I ran errands all over town to do returns and donations from all the junk we have piled up in the babies' room.

I had kind of a scary day today. I was on my way to a doctor's appointment, and I had probably the worst car accident I've ever had. I was driving on a four-lane highway with a full lane in the middle for turns. I was in the left lane and the man in front of me in the right lane decided to make a (not so legal) U-turn. He pulled right across my lane and then just stopped. I honked my horn, and he moved a little bit, but then stopped again with his car across my lane. I tried to slow down and go around him, but by that point, I couldn't. I just caught the side of his car near his rear bumper with the driver's side corner of my front bumper. My airbags deployed, tearing off the passenger side visor and shattering the windshield. It scared me to death! I called 911, and he pulled into the middle turn lane. I waited till I could judge the traffic and then pulled over onto the shoulder. Since I wasn't in pain, the fire fighters who arrived just told me to go ahead to my doctor's appointment. By the time I got to the doctor's office, I had been feeling the baby move, and I still wasn't having any pain, but I still couldn't relax until the doctor checked her heartbeat. It was fine, and he said that I should just go home, take it easy, and call him if I had any bleeding, pain, or contractions. Evidently the main concern with an accident is placental abruption (the placental separates from the uterus, and the baby isn't getting enough oxygen or anything else, for that matter), and if that happens at 22 weeks, there's not much they can do. He described the uterine muscles hardening during a contraction, and I did panic a while later when I felt a little twinge and the muscles seemed hard, but only on the right side, where I'd been feeling the baby move. So, I called, and he said that it's common at this point for the baby to hang out on one side, with the result that the uterus feels squishy on the side with the fluid and harder on the baby's side. It looks like everything is OK, thank God!

The man in the other car seems to think this was my fault! From what I've been able to figure out, it sounds like he thought he was in the middle turn lane, not a traffic lane. But, given that he pulled his car into the middle turn lane after the accident, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for him to stick to his story. As we were exchanging information, he said, "Now, remember, this was your fault!" Ha! We have to go down and make police reports because the police in that town don't come out for accidents. Should be interesting. He told my insurance company his version of the story, so it sounds like we may have a battle between insurance companies on our hands! Not fun. My car is totaled. And Mr. X's car is a stick, which I can barely drive (I practiced tonight, but I get very nervous, and I have a really hard time starting again after I stop). We reworked our finances to cover our adoption expenses, and a new car is really not in the budget right now. We'll probably get between $3000 and $4000 for my car. It's a bummer, because the car was 11 years old and nothing fancy, but it was very reliable and had several good years left. At this point, I'm just very grateful that we seem to have come through without injury. At this point, I think I'm going to take a bath and relax a bit and then get some sleep.

Maybe Kick-boxing (Sport of the Future)

2009-02-26T21:46:00.000-08:00

I'd been starting to wonder a bit if it was normal that I wasn't feeling the baby move. I had had a couple of moments over the last few weeks (and really just a couple) when I thought maybe I was feeling movement. But when it happens once and then not again for a week, it's really hard to say!

Yesterday, I was working at my computer and, in the back of my mind, I noticed a muscle twitch near my belly button. Then it occurred to me that maybe that wasn't a muscle twitch after all! I looked down, just in time to see a little tiny bit of my sweater jump! Now that I can identify that feeling, that baby's really going to town in there! Mr. X is still on his business trip, so I called and told him, and we're trying to figure out what this baby's up to. He, of course, believes we have a future soccer player on our hands, but I think we may have a swimmer practicing flip turns.

Just a few more days till the ultrasound! Once we know the sex of this baby, I think we'll need to really get serious about names. We've tossed a few around, and we generally have the same sort of taste in names (generally good, solid names with family connections). Mr. X has a lot of great suggestions, and some I'm . . . not as crazy about (Melchizedek? Really?), but I have plenty that he's not crazy about (but, of course, all of my suggestions are lovely and completely reasonable :-> ). We're both fairly convinced that the in-utero baby is a girl. I'm not entirely sure why, but it was confirmed by an expert last week--the saleslady at T.J.M.a.x.x.

So, before I left for my business trip, we made an emergency shopping trip to said store, because I read in Baby Bargains that they're a good choice for maternity clothes. I had exactly one hour to shop, and, never having shopped for maternity clothes before, I never realized that our local T.J.M.a.x.x doesn't have a maternity section. Great. I asked the lady behind the jewelry counter, and she said, no, they didn't carry maternity clothes, but I should be able to find something that works. So. Mr. X and I started looking and found some dresses and tops in styles that might conceivably work. I tried on a cute red knit dress. It fit really well, had an empire waist, and was gathered in the front, so it would have worked . . . except for the plunging neckline that made it totally inappropriate for work or church, the two main places I might need to wear a dress.

I came out of the dressing room to show him anyway (hey, at least my husband can appreciate the low neckline, right?), and ended up standing right in front of the jewelry counter. The same lady was standing there and said she liked the dress. Then, she said "So, you're having a girl." I said "Really." She turned to Mr. X and said, "Oh, yes, because she has a derriere! Look! See how it sticks out?" Uh-huh. OK . . . so, we talked about the dress a little more, and whether we could do anything about the neckline to make it more appropriate. The lady said, "Turn around!" And, silly me, thinking she wanted to see the back of the dress, I did. She pointed. "There! See? See her derriere?" Oh my goodness, lady, this is not how to sell clothes! Don't point at a woman's behind in the middle of T.J.M.a.x.x!

We did not buy the dress, but, just as panic was setting in, Mr. X found me two very nice tops in the blouse section, and I had something decent to wear on my business trip.

(By the way, I haven't been writing about adoption stuff really at all. It's not because I'm not excited about it or because it's not going well. Actually, things are going quite well, but I'm so nervous that it won't work out! I'm writing everything down both so that I can post it here later and so that I can share it with our baby once he's old enough to hear about it, but I just can't bring myself to write about it publicly right now because it feels too risky. So, I decided that, for the time being, I'll write about what's going on with our other baby and anything else I feel the urge to write about! Any further public discussions with strangers regarding my rear end will probably be on that list.)

One more week . . .

2009-02-24T21:22:00.000-08:00

Well, after all that, the ultrasound was cancelled! And Mr. X is on a business trip this week, so we have rescheduled for next week. The day of the appointment was very odd. We had appointments all afternoon, and Mr. X's car broke down! So we had to reschedule the first appointment (which was about the adoption) while I ran to get the parts he needed and then bring them to him, then he made it to the second appointment while I ran a couple of errands, and then we were on our way to meet at the ultrasound when the doctor's office called to cancel (he had to perform an emergency C-section). It was just really weird. So, the upshot of it all is that we have one more week till the ultrasound!

I'm feeling a little lonesome with Mr. X gone. I usually do miss him, but today's just been a particularly off day. It seems like everyone's annoyed with me, and I missed Mr. X's goodnight call because I was at choir practice (a day early because of Ash Wednesday) and had my phone turned off. I'm going to do a couple of things around the house, eat some more vegetables (I promised I would eat my vegetables while he's gone--the major aversion to vegetables I had during the first trimester is pretty much gone, but it's left me a bit reluctant), do a short exercise video, and go to sleep. Hmm. Well, if I can do all of those in a reasonable amount of time.